BellaOnline Forums Family Child Abuse Is It A choice?

I would like to invite my readers to express their thoughts on my last article, "Why Does Abuse Happen?"

What are your thoughts on this topic? Does the person that abuses children have a choice in what they do?

If drugs or alcohol is involved, are they capable of making a choice, or recognizing that it is a choice?

I can tell you in my case that the abuse is happening because my ex-husband is a narcissistic abuser in addition to his rage at me for leaving him 10 years ago. My son is his pawn in his game of revenge and my boy has suffered with depression and suicidal thoughts. That's just one view, I guess.

MySonNeedsHelp,
I'm so sorry to hear that your ex-husband is using your son as a pawn in his abusive game. Sadly, that is the case with many children when their mother leaves their abusive father. I hope that your son is in some sort of therapy to help him through this rough time. It sounds like he is being very much affected, since he is depressed and has suicidal thoughts. Thank you so much for sharing your point of view on this. I appreciate your taking the time to share on the forum.

I think it is a choice. I think that all of us who grow up in an abusive home have ghosts of the abuse around us at all times. I think we act like our parents, without wanting to. Good things as well as bad. I know I pronounce certain words like my dad, I carry myself pysically like my grandmom, I catch myself saying things like my Mom {non-abusive) and I also have the itch to act like my father when I am angry at my kids. I stop myself when I hear myself say "You have no idea what it was like when I was growing up, yadda, yadda, yadda etc " It is right then that I ask myself, "How did you feel when Dad said this to you?" I remember thinking that it wasn't my fault that he had a [censored] childhood and I didn't want to hear it or think it was fair I had to listen to that [censored]. So I catch myself and shut up. Look at the big picture and change my strategy dealing with my own children. Yes, I think it is a choice. I make the choice for the abuse to stop with me. THIS generation will not pay for the past three generations. My children create a new legacy.

I am sorry that I had censored words. Technically they weren't swear words. The words that now can be imagined are much worse than a word that rhymes with scrappy. Please excuse the terms as I am Christian and try hard not to offend others with my choice of words.

I believe in many cases it is a choice. But I also have met some people who are so mentally ill that I am not so sure anymore that they make a choice to be the way they are. These people, the mentally ill abusers, need to be locked up because no amount of help will fix them. The abusers who do have a choice are those who maybe grew up abused too, and no of no other way to be, who can be helped, and stop the cycle.

Stephanie,
Thanks for stopping by the forum and sharing your thoughts on this topic. I agree with you that people do have a choice. But, I do wonder about those that are substance abusers and whether or not they can actually make a choice when in the midst of their addiction. It's a tough call, I think, but agree with you as well.

notjustme,
It sounds like you are such a great mother and I like how you make the effort to stop and ask yourself how it felt for you when your parents did it to you. I know I vowed to myself that I would never let my kids go through what I went through and then ended up marrying an abusive man. You are a great parent, I think!

Please don't worry so much about the censored words. I think I know which words you used and am not sure they are considered cuss words either, but for the benefit of everyone involved, the system automatically censors the words. Please don't worry about it.

Thank you. I vowed to myself when I was a child that I was never going to treat my children the same way I was treated. I try very hard with my kids to first always put myself in thier shoes before reacting or giving answers to requests or punishing them. I correct my children, I don't punish them. I don't hit them and don't have too. I don't need to belittle them to make them understand what they did was unacceptable. I find that turning off the TV, taking a toy away or sending them to bed early is all they need. My parents never did that. They hit, yelled and screamed. My mom never did anything, but say "wait till your dad gets home". I don't leave it up to anyone, I deal with it then and there. Sometime losing markers and paper does alot to wake my kids up. I am sure that is all I would have needed too. I feel good knowing that my grandchildren won't suffer because I chose to do what is right. Thanks for your kind words.

You are handling things very well! I also don't hit my kids. When I was married to my abusive husband, he would hit them because he said that if they didn't get spanked, they would 'end up in jail one day.' I remember the day we left their dad. It was October 22, 2000. Their dad had hurt our son pretty bad at the local park. While he was gone at work, the kids and I took the wooden spoon that he used to spank them with, and broke it in half. Then we buried it in the dirt in the back yard. We left it behind. Then we left the home for a safer place. My kids have never forgotten that day that we buried the wooden spoon.

The other day I was driving and while circling the parking lot at Foodland, I saw a mother tightly gripping her son's left arm and holding it up in the air, while walking briskly with him. She had such a mad look on her face. When his arm became obviously sore and he tried to lower it, she then fiercely grabbed him by the back of the neck, lifted upwards, and shoved him forward. I was so angry! I wanted to jump out of my car and tell her to stop and help that poor boy. Then I thought if she did this abusive behavior in front of everyone, what in the world was she doing to her son in private, behind closed doors? Scary thought!

Anyway, pat yourself on the back, you are doing a wonderful job with your kids!