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Joined: Jul 2009
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Well first off I want to apologize for this extemely long post. I didnt intend for this to be so wordy, but I just started typing and this is what happend...hehe....Hopefully its just because its the first one. So I just joined this forum after reading some posts for quite some time. This is the first time Ive ever posted a personal issue, however after hearing how supportive and knowledgable everyone is, I decided that this would be a good thing for me. I was actually on the verge of finding a therapist. I think talking to women who have actually gone through some of the same issues is much more beneficial. And Im very glad to have found this. So real quick I will let you know a little about my back ground. Im fixing to turn 23. I married my highschool sweetheart at age 19 after 4 years together and have now been divorced a year. No Children however (which I do thank God everyday, becuase the ex-husband was a dead beat, but also I would not have been able to handle it) I grew up a little too fast which Im now just enjoying life and have been dating someone new for 8 months now. But I might add that I did do a little dating between this new guy and my ex. So its not like Im just settling. So now we're at the point where its starting to get serious. Talking about the future, possibly moving in together, Im sure you know the "talks". He is 27 has also been divorced, and has a 5 year old son. Hes a great father and very mature and exactly what I want and need. I knew him for a year before we started dating so we knew a lot about each other before we ever got serious. I didnt know how dead set on not having anymore children he was though. I myself have not completely made up my mind, but now we're in this situation where I feel like I need to make a decision because he knows what he doesnt want but Im not sure about what I DO want. Either way their totally different. Even though some of the issues are a little to soon to be really discussing, it would be so much easier to figure them out now instead of a few years down the road, we hit this block, neither one of us will compramise and we waisted all this time. Hes even mentioned that if he knew it wouldnt be a "deal breaker" he would be snipped already. I would never force him to have another child if he knew that the 1 was enough for him. Heres where I stand... I used to always want to be a young mother and have a big family. When I was 13 my sister had a child at the age of 18. In order for her to keep her job since she couldnt afford daycare, also because her husband was in prison, my mom took me out of school to homeschool me and I would watch my nephew all day, 5 days a week until she got home. So for 10 hours a day, 5 sometimes 6 days a weeks at the age of 13 I was taking care of an infant. Which I dont regret at all. I love my nephews more than anything in this world. But I got a taste of what its like for a child to be 100% dependant of me. The older I get, the more I am ok with not having children of my own, but I feel the "old fashion" raising and beliefs kind of take over and I start feeling guilty. I love kids, but I just wonder if I could really have some of my own. Im one of those women that cant get it out of their head that your just supposed to have kids. As if your not "complete" as a woman if you dont. Thats what women are supposed to do! Right? You grow up, get married, start a career and have kids! I know this is not 1950s anymore and that this is just things stuffed in our head from our mothers and grandmothers. Its not set in stone. But every women in my family have at least 3 or more kids. Everyone in my family is financially struggling, unhappy in their marriage or divorced! Some divorced multiple times. I feel the pressure to also have children from my family, but at the same time, I want to break the cycle of this unhappiness and obligation my family has to go through. One of the biggest reasons I decided to get on this forum was because I read a post and someone had put a quote that read "More women regret having kids than not having kids" That has just stuck with me and I can completely see that with my own family. And pretty much anyone that I know that has kids. Now Im only 22 but 75% of my friends from highschool up until now already have children. On Myspace and Facebook, they have their pictures posted and they just seem like a happy perfect family. Then I see them and they are just not the same as they were in higschool. Im not one to judge, their personal life is none of my business but I cant help but wonder if a chicl is worth it? Now I say all that to say this. I would like opinions from people who have or havent had children and either are glad or do regret and wished they had done things differently. Im at such a head with myself because as I said in the beginning, Im at this point where if I do decide I want kids in the future, then there might not be a future with my Boyfriend and I. But when I think about that though I feel like I would rather have a future without children as long as Im with him. I just dont want to wake up one day 30 years down the road and regret not having children. I know this is a personal choice only I can make, so this is why I would like to hear womens opinions who understand my situation. Thank you so much for your time and listening, and again sorry for it being so dang long! :crazy:

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Joined: May 2009
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Welcome linneybaby! smile

Seems to me you're at your deciding point. Most of us child free women understand this because many have asked themselves the same questions. Been there myself until recently.

First thing, clear everything out of your head. All the things people have told you, just forget it all. Now stop and ask yourself, "What do I want?". Where do you see YOUR future going? Because when it comes down to it, YOU are the person who will be undergoing pregnancy, childbirth, the stress of raising children, dealing with bills, career etc. No one else is going to share in your personal burdens.

Having children is a very personal decision one has with oneself. It does not involve family, or anyone else. Don't compare your life or situation with those around you. You must decide what's best for you whether people like it or not.

Do you truly desire to be a mother? Is this something that you believe will make you happy despite the negatives? You will need to make a decision before making any major commitments.

As for your relationship, I think it's great that everything between the two of you is out in the open, as it should be. You want to be clear as to what you want and need in life. You both have a right to know what you both are getting into. It's only fair after all.

Your decision is an important one. So let your partner know that you are still considering whether or not you wish to have children some day.
It took me 4 years to finally make my decision to be child free. I basically sort of waited for a desire to grow within me, it never did. My husband knew from the very beginning that I may never give him children and he's fine with it.

I hope you don't allow for anyone to influence your decision. I wish you and your partner all the best. Please keep us updated.

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Great, great post, Jellyroll -- made my day!! Those are my thoughts exactly!

Sometimes its tough to erase your mind of other people say about having children. But you must do this and be honest with yourself when weighing whether or not to become a parent. For the two years I have been posting with MNK, I have gone through this same type of self-realization exercise with the kids or no kids questions. I believe that I have made my final decision not to have children, and I have never felt so free!! And I am starting to be very open about it with friends and acquaintances, although I'm still staying mum with family members.


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Jellyroll ~ I agree with you totally....well put!

linneybaby ~ please stop worrying about what other people think, say, and expect you to do. DO what YOU want to do. Lead you own life ~ don't let anyone make YOUR decisions for you.

Now, even though you seem to know what it's like to look after a child it would be a completely different story to raise a child 24/7 for 18 (or more) years. The financial strain alone is astronomical. The stress of someone (the kid) depending on you at all times would be extremely draining. Marriage is very often crippled by a child ~ 'mom' has to devote so much love & attention to the wee one that 'dad' feels left out and tends to find other things to do with friends, thus the marriage drifts apart.

Good luck and keep us posted.

cp

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When I got to a point where I was thinking maybe I should be wwanting to have children, or maybe I think I don't but I really do... and all those questions we tend to ask ourselves my huband said something that was sooo true... he said "Babe, I know you... when you want something you get it. If you wanted a baby you would have one." The self doubting is not really self doubting....its external forces causing the doudting. We know ourselves so well..... its very important as the other posters have said to block out the world, it helps to even stand and look at yourself in an actual mirror and see if that is really who you are....I liked the mirror trick.. it was awesome

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Originally Posted By: Andso?
The self doubting is not really self doubting....its external forces causing the doudting. We know ourselves so well..... its very important as the other posters have said to block out the world, it helps to even stand and look at yourself in an actual mirror and see if that is really who you are....I liked the mirror trick.. it was awesome


Sooooooo true. Too late for me, though, lol. The funny thing is, for me it worked the other way around. I didn't want children, found no rational reason to have one, the desire was absolutely not there, but if ever had a little doubt, (pe: looking at my boyfriend being all sweet with a little kid) I would construe that as a repressed maternal feeling. I was so silly, soooo influenced by those "external forces", that I even tried to believe that my lack of interest in children was the consequence of my feelings towards pregnancy and birth (namely, the worst thing that can happen to a "healthy" body"), and that maybe if I overcame my disgust, which, according to everybody was "irrational", I would be like everybody else.
I can't believe I was so naive, that I knew myself so little!

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Oh my goodness...Everyone thank you so much for your replies! Ya'll are all so right. Coming from neutral parties have just made it so clear. When I do think about just me and what I want, I dont really have the desire to have children of my own. If I have such doubt, its probably best for me to not even consider it. At this point I feel as if the old saying "The hardest thing is usually the right thing" could not be more true. It would be so much easier to just give in to what everyone else does and says is just "normal" and "acceptable" and "the way of life" but be financially struggling and obligated just like everyone else around me. But I feel its a more difficult decision and wiser decision to be able to say that I want to live full and happy life with just my significant other and I, and that I dont feel I can bring a child into the world and give it all the love and attention that they fully demand. I cant express to yall enough how gratefull I am to have found people that do understand and know exactly what Im going through within myself and how I feel. So thank yall again for all the wonderful advice and opinions.

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Congratulations linneybaby ~ sounds like you made a wise decision. So glad we could help. Now, enjoy your life ! smile

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Good luck with "coming out" there may be times when you start to wonder wether this was the right descision or not... but ig=f you go back to being introspective you will know... deep down in your heart you will know. I honestly feel that this is just a phase we are all going through because of the general age group... I have no evidence but I believe that as we get older we prob won't be so aware of it... its just that all our peers at the moment can talk about nothing but having kids... so the pressure can be quite intense... I'm sure tho that after a while, when people know you, and you know you... you will see how much more fulfilled you are in making the descision that was truly personal

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Right now I'm guessing that most of our friends' children are preschool age or younger. In that age group, mothers tend to be all-absorbed with their kids. Usually when those kids start elementary school, the parent's "detaching" process begins. We should look forward to that!! I had a friend a few years back that had a six-year-old son. I couldn't help but notice that she was very interested in spending time with me and wasn't necessarily 100% focused on her son. And her little boy was very nice to me, and I could talk about so much with him also! So I always remind myself that my "mother" friends might gravitate back my way once they let their children out into the real world for a little while.

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