BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids How to explain no kids to family - suggestions?

My husband and I got married 1 year ago after being together and committed for 5 years before the wedding. Family and friends seem to think that we only "put off" getting married for 5 years because we weren't ready to have children. . . . and NOW they assume little ones will be on the way any day now. The truth is that we're child-free by choice, and satisfied. At an outing with friends recently, I abstained from alcohol because of medication I was taking. 8 different people came up to me ready to spit out, "Congratulations, when are you due?!" (I am not pregnant.) At a family holiday party recently I scooped up an escaping toddler-cousin from the floor and instantly heard cooing from my family members, who told me I "look very natural with a baby." We respect our loved ones' choice to become parents, but they don't seem so accepting of our choice to remain child-free. My husband and I have chosen to remain child-free together, and are happy with out choice. Up until now, we've been telling everyone we're "not ready" to have kids "right now." They all say we'll change our minds, and we chuckle politely and change the subject. But that's a cop-out and we're done with it. We're ready to politely tell the truth to friends and family - that we are content to manage our small business together, and not interested in having children. Not now, not ever. We're not crazy, and we're not infertile - it's a choice with which we're happy. But I'm concerned about sharing my true feelings with loved ones who are SO intent on seeing us have children. Any suggestions on how to let them down easily, so to speak? I want to be respectful, but firm.

Hi Living....

A reply that I often used was "a person just can't rush into things like that".

Actually I don't think you have to explain your wishes to ANYONE ! It's a very personal issue and really no ones buisness, IMHO

You could switch it around and say " Why did you HAVE kids?

Keep us posted.

cp

Well, I recon they eventually get used t oit. I have one person who still kinda bothers me about it... aka she's not very bright ans seems to have selective hearing. However with most people in my life, they have come to a point where they don't talk about it with me anymore ... more at events where this must be said because its always a subject making for exciting conversation... but not in a derogetory fashion. Once you and your husband got our story straight, we "came out" Interestingly tho' my husband doesn't want to tell people he had his vasectomy....Good luck

Don't be surprised if they are not as respectful in return. I have been scolded by family members from time to time as if I was a child. I've had to put a few in their place. And when I told my Mother in Law, she looked as though she was about to break down in tears. I'll never forget her face. It was like I shattered her whole world. I felt terrible.

Understand that some may not accept your decision. So be very clear about how they should react towards you. Be sure to let them know that they should respect your decision whether they disagree with it. It would probably be a good idea to also let them know not to bring the subject of having babies up with either you or your husband in the future.

Good luck to you both.

I just realised with regret that I am actually hardly the right person to comment because I don't live with much family infact the only people I am in regular contact with who have some significance are a few friends, fellow church members and my workmates... so yeah sorry. My mother has stopped bringing it up tho' and my mother in law is late...but thats about it.

Thanks, all of you for your responses. This IS hard - appreciate all the support.

Living4theCity, I sure can't help you with this, but I 100% sympathize with you. I also have not told my parents and in-laws that I don't intend to have children. I have decided to wait until they bring it up or finally just ask me outright. I don't think it's appropriate to bring something like that up out of the blue.

You're right -- this is VERY hard. I don't think there is a parent on earth that doesn't want to be a grandparent. I've been married for eight years, and I have only one brother who is single, so I don't know what might be going through my parents' heads right now. Sometimes it seems that my parents have taken up with some young children at church as though they were "surrogate" grandchildren. If there was one reason I would ever have children, it would be to make my parents happy, overjoyed grandparents. I have always prided myself in making my parents happy, but you and I know that this is an inappropriate reason to have children.

I'll be keeping you in my thoughts!!

I have avoided being nice to kids for a great part of my life to avoid such comments. Most times I didn't have to do an effort because I always felt uncomfortable around them, but I am not a child-hater either, so if I found one particularly sweet or funny I would interact with him/her without overdoing it. And still, if you don't behave like an ogre, if you answer one of their stupid little questions kindly, someone will go an say: "See? You do like children". As if being nice two seconds to a kid had something to do with having children!!!!