BellaOnline Forums Family Step Parenting Help, I'm at my wits end...future step-son issues

I'll try to make this short though I could write a novel on it. My fiance and I have known each other for over forty some years. We both are divorced. I have one daughter and son-in-law who have been married for over seven years now. He has one son, age 17. We both own our two farms. We dated three years and then he asked me to move in over at his farm (just a couple miles down the road). I did, and have been here for one year as of this month. Over the last four years I noticed lots of behavior issues with his son. He has asked my advice. We shared how we'd work through these issues together as a team. Now here comes the problem. Doesn't matter what we come to agreement on, the kid still gets his way. Refuses to clean his room. A pig wouldn't live in there. He gets upset if I don't cater to what HE wants for dinner. Refuses to do chores (on a farm there are lots of chores). The kids something he gets it. No matter the cost. He goes on trips that he is suppose to work to get the money for, but doesn't so daddy pays for it. He pretends to go to the field with his dad and then disappears. My fiance's Mother who also has a farm of which we farm too, calls and wants to know why the kid isn't out there helping his dad. I have to tell her. Then she's mad and want's me to do something about it. I try to talk to my fiance about it and he just acts like it's no big deal. Well, it is, his mother is in her 80's and she gets upset when the men aren't in the field getting the job done. Yesterday was one of those moments. My fiance's sister phoned wanting to know why their mom was so upset. I explained and she asked if I'd follow up on where the kid was. I did. And yet again his father took the kids side of it and as of this morning he told me it wasn't any of my business where his son was and to stay out of it. So...any suggestions. When the kid is not here, i.e. visitations with his mom which are rare or gone on the trips, the fiance and I get along just fine. Another thing we have discussed is the fact that the kid continually disrespects his father, and dad just lets him get away with it. Even other family and neighbors have asked me about it when they witness it. He has even smacked his dad. HE intrupts any adult conversations his dad tries to have, not just with me but other adults as well. He has raised his fist to me once and I reminded him that I may be little, but I would fill charges against, that is if my son-in-law don't get to him first. When he wants something he is all so nicey nice. I'm not falling for that any more. But now he's mad because I won't help him with his Boy Scout stuff. I feel so sorry for my fiance. He is a very gentle and wonderful man and I love him dearly. But this behavor of the kids, and the fact that his dad just won't deal with any confrontations, and the fact that now I been asked to stay out of it. So much for team work. Anyway, this is just the short version of everything that is going on, but I'm at my wits end. I don't want to leave Charles, but I refuse to keep dealing with these kind of behavors. And the kid still has one more year of school before he graduates. And I am tired of trying to balance the situation with him, his 83 year old mom, who I adore, and his three sisters. Everyone is concerned but they put it all on me to handle with my fiance. HELP! Thanks for reading and any comments.

OneTiredMom, welcome to BellaOnline.

You wrote:

"And yet again his father took the kids side of it and as of this morning he told me it wasn't any of my business where he kid was and to stay out of it."

If this is the father's attitude, then I would seriously consider whether or not you want to stay in this situation. Do you still own your own farm? Can you move back there until the "kid" has grown up enough to move out on his own? Or - if the "kid" is going to stay on his father's farm forever(why should he leave when daddy gives him whatever he wants and the kid does not have to do anything to deserve it)?

If your fiance loves you, it is time that he puts you and your relationship first and make the kid tow the line. If he cannot do this, then there is no future for you other than what you have right now.

So - in my opinion, there are two options: tell the father to straighten up the kid and his own thoughts on how to handle the kid, teach him respect and responsibility and how to share in the family workload or get out. If the father cannot do that, then I would get out of the situation and return to my own farm. I do not think you would enjoy a life of playing second fiddle and having no respect or rights.

I was typing fast, thanks for the note on my typo. I corrected it.

It was not the typo I was focusing on, it was what you wrote about the father telling you it is none of your business. If he feels it is none of your business and that you should stay out of it - then why does he want you around? Sorry if that sounds cruel - but, your fiance needs to put you in a better light and give you the support you need to help this "kid" grow up and take responsibility and show his elders some respect.

Oh, okay, exactly, that is all true. But it helped me catch a typo too. Thank you so much and I totally agree with you, I just can't get him to see the light of the issue. Your words are not cruel at all. The whole situation puts me on guard...meaning, wedding date? There isn't going to be any wedding date set until he follows through on some parenting issues. I'm just a wits end on how to get him to understand my side of it all and his own side of it. His denial of it all. I've even suggested going to a counselor, nope, so I suggested going to counseling with our minister. I was told that we don't air dirty laundry in the farm community. So I'm just stressed and at a loss right now on how to handle it. Because one minute he's in denial, the next minute he's all lovely dovey and saying he loves me, appreciates me, and does want me here. I feel very manipulated at times. And at almost 50, I'm too old for these kinds of games. Again thank you so much for your sound words.

If you are thinking of a wedding date - then you are thinking of his farm being your home, too. If it is going to be your home, then you have the right to set down some rules. A marriage, even a relationship without marriage, calls strongly for compromise and support of each other.

If couseling with an outside person is not acceptable to him, would a family gathering/counseling session be acceptable? I feel it is important for all the adults in the family to come together so he knows that everyone (not just you) is aware that there is a problem with the son. Maybe the first session should be without the son - just you, your fiance, his mother and his sisters. If you all come to some agreement and compromise, then you could have another session including the son and to let the kid know that all the adults are aware of the issues and this is how it is going to be. He is a minor, living in his father's home and there should be definite rules and boundaries. He also needs to understand (and so does your fiance) that you are part of the parenting team and should have respect in that role.