BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage Lack of sex

Ok, don't know where to start but here goes... We have been married for over 15 years. Before marriage we had sex all the time. 1 week before marriage, I found out he masturbated to porn a lot. That really bothered me. I felt rejected. I took it on as it was a rejection of me, but now realize that masturbation and sex with me are 2 different things. Feeling rejected and confused, I would say no to sex a lot after we were married. I wasn't considerate to his feelings. He was hurt and pulled away. He never initiates anymore. I am the one responsible for making sure it happens, but it doesn't happen much. I am nervous about opening myself up to rejection so I don't initiate a whole lot. So, it's a bad cycle of not having sex much, he doesn't initiate, I do all of the initiating yet I am terrified to initiate - fear of rejection, not sure of myself, not comfortable about my own sexuality. I want to be a wild sexual woman with my husband, but don't know how to move forward. Today I came home unexpectedly and he was masturbating. I was so upset. He knew I had come home, so he closed the bedroom door - so we never saw each other. I left him a not saying that I was sad b/c I feel like he's not interested in having sex with me. I blame myself to some degree for turning him down in the past - I am sure he is afraid of rejection and, thus, doesn't approach me. I am so upset right now. I want to make this better. I am trying to be more sexual. I was not molested or anything like that, but I am so uptight when it comes to sex. I want an active sex life, but become frozen by emotions when I try to move forward. I really hope someone can help me. Sorry if this doesn't make sense. Thank for listening.

p.s. I envy my friends who are comfortable with their sexuality and have fun with it. I just want to be like that.

It's not uncommon for these sort of sexual problems to occur in a marriage. We all go through slumps, we just have to learn, as a couple, how to get out of them.

First, I think it's important that you both get to the bottom of his porn/masturbation habits. How often is he doing this? Do you suspect that he may be addicted? And have you truly expressed how it makes you feel?
If your husband does have a problem, you both need to get that resolved first. Only then will he be free to work on your sex life together. You may both decide that professional help may be needed here. And he must be willing to seek that help.

When you mentioned that you had left a note, makes me wonder how well the communication is in this relationship. Although there's nothing wrong with notes, this is something that should be said face to face. Avoiding each other will only worsen the problem.
Obviously there are things not being said. You both have to sit down and talk things through regardless of how awful either of you feel. Without constant, clear communication your marriage is bound to fail.

If he's rejecting you now because you had rejected him before, don't be afraid to initiate sex. Do you both date each other? If not, how is romance being introduced?
Try having a romantic dinner together. Wear some sexy lingerie, let him know how much you miss him and he'll eventually come around because he's been waiting for you. Men rarely have women pursue them and it makes husbands feel good knowing that their wives want them sexually. Over time, you both can take turns on initiating sex.

Please talk with your husband. And listen to each other because it's very sad when a beautiful relationship goes sour especially after 15 years. It can possibly be fixed easily if only both parties talk honestly with each other.

I hope I helped you somewhat. I wish you both all the best.