BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Thank you so much for this forum

Just a note to say that I honestly thank so much this forum for existing - it saved my life! I recently decided to be child-free and this forum helped me SO MUCH, you have no idea. Before finding it, I thought I was the only one in the world that didn't like the idea of having children, and had I not found it, I don't know how long I would've been on the fence and what I would've done. I cringe at the thought that maybe I would have had a kid "just because that's what you do in life", and then I would have become a permanent poster in the "I hate being a Mom" section instead of this one. But finding out that there are so many women out there that never want to have kids gave me courage, strength and a new vision in my decision process. I am very lucky in that I'm also surrounded by a lot of ppl that either encourage the child free lifestyle or don't care either way. But it's definitely this forum that helped me the most, and I will forever be grateful. I am very excited about the future and I have this huge smile on my face whenever I think that I have the rest of my life to MYSELF. Just a year ago I was so worried about when (and if) I would get pregnant, how my husband and I would raise the child, with what money, what type of mom I would be, etc...and all the while thinking "IS THIS WHAT I REALLY WANT?" My husband has yet to give me his final word on this issue but he's starting to show me that deep down, he feels exactly the same, he's just scared to admit it, and understandably so. I don't think it's just women that are told over and over again that having babies is the normal way of life - men are victims of this too. Anyway, just wanted to say thank you. I will forever be grateful of the day I found this forum.

I must say, finding this forum was a great thing for me too. I also thought that I was the only one. Unlike you, gulivera, I always knew that I did not want any children. My problem was, that, deep down, I thought there was something wrong with me. On the one hand, I was very honest with everybody about my feelings about maternity and children. I was long ago telling the things I write now on this forum. But on the other hand, I kept looking for possible traumas in my past. I even blamed a primary school teacher because he spoke too openly about the biological facts in the 4/5th grade. When I met my husband and he came out with the topic, I was 34. I remember trying very hard to imagine what would be like to give him a child. Most of the time I ended up angry at him, but from time to time, I could imagine his happiness and it turned me on to be able to give him that. I misconstrued that as a buried, repressed maternal feeling, it just fed my theory of the trauma and the something wrong with me that I had to overcome.
I went so far as to feel even more abnormal because, after a horrible birth experience, I was not magical transformed in a mother as everybody told me it would happen.

Reading through so many posts in this forum to which I can relate, finding that there are so many people out there like me has helped me know myself soooo much better. I know that maternity was not for me. It never was. Only a hormone high can begin to explain why I thought getting pregnant "by accident" would end up as an enlightening healing experience. Now I know that I am not alone. That I am more normal than I thought. I know that not wanting children had nothing to do with a psychological flaw. It was just me.

This is a great forum; I agree with both of you. I always knew I never wanted kids, and even though that was "weird," I was never going to budge on it. Finding this definitely helps when you realize you are understood.

Solalux, I'm so sorry that you had to become a mother against your wish - it must be a terrible experience. I sympathise with you very much because that could've been me too, although not for the same reasons. I think had I not found this forum I would have just given in to all the already-made ideas and preconceptions about motherhood and kids. My husband was not helpful because he kept saying that either way was good with him, although he didn't want any at the moment. Finding this forum came at a critical time because I was so torn and felt so bad inside to even QUESTION having kids or not, when all my life I thought I would have 2 kids for sure. I was turning in circles and just getting deeper in the hole and was heading straight for a depression. But this forum just opened a door to a whole new world out there and I'm so thankful for it. Frankly, I'm surprised I made my decision so fast - I gave myself another 2 years but instead it was only a few months! My husband asked me exactly when did I decide to become CF. I told him: "when I realized having kids was a choice and not an obligation". I just wish more women knew this!