BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids My girlfriend doesn't want kids...I'm not sure

If she never wants to (have any kids), would you still love her and be with her? And, which is most important, would you admit and respect her right to have a decision of her own - whether to have or not to have any children? in other words - can you admit "NO" as an answer? And never discuss the topic again? Maybe this is the more important issue in your case - not other people's decisions and situations. Plus...one point from me (if you'd like to know it) - a woman either wants or doesn't want kids. There is no "middle - position" about it - trust me. As well as a woman cannot be half pregnant, nearly married, or a little bit dead! She can't be "half- wanting" to be a mother. Or just...not exactly,... very... completely - sure about it! A woman might leave herself under pressure. She might even bear children - just in order to satisfy her husband's, parent's, in - law's (pressing) wishes and demands - this is something else. But she can't change her mind on this matter. Just the idea of saying: "I DON'T WANT to have ANY KIDS - NEVER EVER" - to set the point so directly and brutally - clear, is very hard for any woman, especially when she loves and doesn't want to hurt or lose the loved one.... But love cannot and should not change the person we are. So, here comes the question about you - can you love your woman - just the way she is, without trying to change her, even if it means not to have any kids....or are kids more important in your life than her ? Wichever answer you give yourself - there's nothing bad or shameful about it - as long as it is a true one. Sometimes there are - "either/or" - situations. You have to admit them, and if you try to avoid them by forcing circumstances and people...by convincing them somehow in something...wich they arn't...wich is against their nature... - you'll certainly lose everything - and will make many people unhappy. Or, as a proverb in my country says, "By force beaty doesn't happen" Best Malena

[quote=Nancy R Callahan]A good friend of mine was dead-set against having children for years, while she was with a particular guy. They broke up, and she met someone else, and then her perspective changed. She said she could never "see" herself bringing kids into the first relationship (I never pressed her for a reason), but that, once she was with the second guy, she decided she wanted kids. So that's one example of someone changing their mind regarding children. (It took a change of partner, though, for her to see things differently.) [/quote] That's interesting because part of my decision to remain child free has been because of my husband's behavior. Don't get me wrong, he's a great man in many ways but he has serious communication issues. He and his family are not emotionally connected and so because of this, he's had a problem connecting to me as well. We've been going through so many problems throughout our 4 year relationship. I don't even know if we'll be together in the years to come although I hope we will be. I can't see him as a great father. A good father yes, but not great. I know he wouldn't be as involved physically or emotionally to his children and would leave me with most of the work. I know my children would be connected to me more than they would with him. I know he'd neglect to teach them and talk to them intimately about morals and values we want to pass on to them. Looking at him this way makes me realize more and more that having children with him would be a horrifying disaster. Hell, most of the time I feel like I'm his mother, and I'd have to be mother to kids as well? That just isn't going to happen. Sometimes I think I would consider children if I were married to a different man but I don't know for sure. I've never wanted kids, ever but I have considered it. So I can see how your friend made her decisions.

Sorry, but I don't think that is a real change of mind. She was set against having children with a particular guy, not against having children. There are different kinds of childfree. Some may be very rational about it, "my partner doesn't want one and I have learned to accept it", "my partner wouldn't do a good job", "we are not in a good financial situation", "I might lose my prospects at work". They are just setting priorities, which is a fair thing to do. But those are external circumstances not to have children, if such circumstances change, the childfree option can be reconsidered. On the other hand, there are a lot of childfree who would never ever consider having children regardless the circumstances. They don't have rational reasons, the wish is just not there: no interest in kids, love of freedom and peace, repulsion toward the whole bodily process. I very much doubt that these can ever change their mind. I had to hear for over 20 years that I would change my mind, and I could never understand what exactly could happen to make me change my mind. This post has discovered for me where all this changes of mind/ heart come from. It has been very enlightening.

[quote=Aquarius] So, here comes the question about you - can you love your woman - just the way she is, without trying to change her, even if it means not to have any kids....or are kids more important in your life than her ? Wichever answer you give yourself - there's nothing bad or shameful about it - as long as it is a true one. Sometimes there are - "either/or" - situations. You have to admit them, and if you try to avoid them by forcing circumstances and people...by convincing them somehow in something...wich they arn't...wich is against their nature... - you'll certainly lose everything - and will make many people unhappy. Or, as a proverb in my country says, "By force beaty doesn't happen" Best Malena [/quote] Thank you Aquarius for getting right down to the issue at hand and thanks to everyone who replied and took the time to offer their thoughts and experiences. UPDATE ON MY SITUATION Well, I tried. I tried to figure out if she would be enough for me. In doing so I also tried lying to myslef that raising a child wasn't that important to me. I sat down with her 2 months ago and told her, I didn't want kids today, which is true (I'm 27). I also told her I didn't want kids for at least another 5-10 years, also true. I would love to spend that time with her a cherish her until I came to a decision if I needed to have kids. Everything was fine for a short period but soon the problems started. She never felt at ease with that decision. She knew I wanted kids. I also would notice kids in the street and would say to myself "who're you kidding, you want to raise a child don't you". Every week was a different hurdle between us and it all started 2 months ago with the kids talk. I love her I trully do and she loves me. We are so perfect for each other, I never thought I'd meet someone like her. She is my best friend, but since last week, no longer my lover. We decided to break up. It was mutual. There was no way around it. She wants me to find someone I can have kids with. We decided to remain friends no matter what (work in progress). It's painful but I know it was for the best. I love her, but most importantly through this forum and the many women who have posted here, I now also understand her and her feelings for not wanting kids. I don't hate her for not wanting kids and I also know not to take it personally, hell I was the only man she ever considered the option with. I hope to cherish our friendship for as long as we both shall live.

Hi Eddie, I think you have done the right thing.

I was in a relationship many years ago with a guy who was certain he wanted to be a father. I was equally certain that I never wanted kids.

One day I asked him "Will you leave me one day if I don't give you kids?" And he replied "Yes." It had to be over from that point on. Otherwise I'd have woken up every day wondering if that would be the day he would decide to leave. Or the next. Or the next. He is now very happy with someone else and has the family he always wanted, and I am also in a happy CF relationship.

You did the best thing in being honest with each other - it's so hurtful to spend years with someone only to find that they'd always hoped to change your mind and never taken your wishes seriously.

Wishing all the best to you both.

Sorry it didn't work out for the both of you Eddie. But you're both better off for it.

Fortunately you have experienced true unconditional love from a person you consider very special and gave that back in return. That's something most people don't ever get to feel or experience. About 95% of people I know have never been truly loved or don't know how to love.

I hope you find a great woman who will happily raise wonderful children with you. She's out there, waiting for you.
I wish you all the best. May many blessings fall upon you

Hey Eddie0, In this day and age when we have so many lifestyle options, this is always a dilemma. If we knew our whole life is to till the farm and stay put, starting a family is an inevitable part of life's equation. Pondering your dilemma... First you have to know for sure that you want children before you even start convincing her... including all the responsibilities and work that come along with parenting. I truly believe if the love is strong enough, your love can change her mind when you're ready to start a family. But first, find out what's stopping her from starting a family. Sometimes it could be as simple as assurances from you - that you'll stand by her, be faithful and help her bring up the baby. That you'll not be an absent father, you'll help out with the feeding at night, give her weekend off to pamper herself etc... That she is NOT trading her life for a baby she did not want in the first place. On the flip side, if she is clear she doesn't want a family, you have to respect her decision. Then it's your choice to stay and not have a family, or you might have to consider moving on... Regardless you should let her know what's on your mind. She may have her own decisions to make as well. I should know... My husband n I married late, in our early 40s. So we didn't want kids.... well at first. But my husband changed his mind after one year of marriage. He, being a kind and responsible man, gave me the courage to change my mind. I was afraid I'll be saddled with a baby alone and him working his tails off to support the family. If he was sharing the responsibility, then I would happily share his enthusiasm to start a family. To cut the long story short, I lost our twins which was kinda common for the first pregnancy, and a high-risk one. Given our age, we didn't try again. It wouldn't be fair to the kids. We were also very clear we didn't want to adopt. Guess it was not meant to be. Someone asked if I missed being a mum. The truth is I don't know... and never will. Now we're happy taking our vacations every year... planning to buy a second home, perhaps a vacation home in the near future. I doubt these can happen if we had kids. Life's about opportunities and choices. You make the best out of everything you are given. Hope this is helpful.

i know exactly how you feel and i'm interested by your progress. i need some advice regarding my relationship with my girlfriend. although i have only known her 6 months, i believe that she is the love of my life and that we are perfect in many aspects. she says the same and she is very committed to me. we are each others best friends and spend every day together. i honestly cannot think how miserable i would be without her, and the thought of losing her is too much for me. however, there are many issues which bother me very much and make me doubt whether she is the one for me. i try to give her what she wants and i am very nice and i think i cannot be faulted for how i behave as a boyfriend. not much more can be expected of me. she however is sometimes very inconsiderate of my feelings, and i don't think she gives as much as i do to the relationship. i am very nice and have only love to give, whereas she can be very hurtful, and i feel that she does not love me as much as i do her, which she sometimes admits she thinks also. she also sometimes says that she wished she were single so she weren't tied down, that she feels claustrophobic in a relationship, which worries me, because i know i do not smother her in any way. she also asks whether i think we will grow apart and become bored of each other later on, and says she hopes it doesn't happen. despite this, she always talks of marrying me, how she cannot wait. she talks of moving in together and traveling together. there is no question that she loves me and wants to spend a very long time with me. however, she has said that she hates kids, and never wants to have children, even though i would be the only one she could consider, she wants to never have any children. i most certainly want children, not right now, but certainly not at all. she has been in relationships before where she was in love with an abusive, cheating boyfriend who did not care much for her, and she admits she is attracted to bad guys. she was constantly treated badly and still kept running back to him despite this until he left her. her father was an alcoholic and physically abused her as well as her sister and mother before the mother eventually kicked him out when she was 17. i can't help but think she cannot appreciate my love and kindness, and she needs to be treated badly or become bored in our relationship. if i'm nice, she says i'm a pussy and weak, and she says she thinks she controls the relationship because she loves me less, which is always the case for everyone. however i feel a successful relationship should be equal and mutual, but it feels like she thinks love is a competition, and because of this, i feel like i am losing her supposed competition because she always needs to win it. i want children very much. not immediately, but i'm struggling to overcome the fact that if i stay with her i may never have any children of my own, which would just be unacceptable. i am afraid that no matter how good a boyfriend i am she will always be inconsiderate in return, and she does not treat me good in return. i think that she see's our relationship as a competition, and that i suffer from her attempts to win the battle, whereas i only try to give as much as i can, she takes all she can get and thinks i'm weak. if i can, how am i supposed to fix my relationship, and what can i do, or are our differences too great, because i think sometimes no matter how much i love her i can't be wasting my time with someone who does not appreciate me and does not want to share children with me, which i could never live without my whole life. i'm so confused. :(

Dear Neo89, you sound like a sensitive sensible young man, and you answer yourself in your post in many ways. Sorry that I am too blunt here, but the way I see it, even if she wanted children, you have to seriously reconsider this relationship.

She is inconsiderate, hurts your feelings, calls you pussy if you are nice, and brags that she doesn't love you as much as you love her. That alone is SOOOOOO unhealthy. And then, she feels tied down but wants to marry as soon as possible: really immature.

I don want to be mean about her, but he comes from a dysfunctional family and enjoys dysfunctional relationships (she likes bad guys, sees a relationship as a competition...) she has too many issues to resolve before she can be in a serious, adult, loving relation. And it is not your job, it cannot be your job to change her ways. People say we cannot chose who we fall in love with, but that is only partially true. We have to learn to identify people who will hurt us and run away from them, before our feelings are too involved. You have only been six months with her. That is nothing compared to a lifetime of drama.
I wish you all the best.