BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage help- on the verge of divorce

My husband told me he doesn't feel that he loves me anymore and doesn't feel the spark we used to have. We have been together for many years and always had the best relationship. I can count the times we fought in 1 hand and used to be really close with each other. He told me that over the past 2 years or so I started changing and doing things that bothered him which I didn't realize until that day. He kept it all inside and never told me till last year. We took some time apart and realized we wanted to change (he too had changed with me)things were good so I thought but this yr the issues came up again and so did his feelings. On top of his feeling he started to be someone I didn't recognize. His attitude changed and so did his actions. I tried to changed but it was hard to show him that I loved him while feeling unloved. I was willing to stick together and try to work things out but then he cheated and changed everything. His feelings haven't changed and now I really don't feel that I can love him the same way or even enough to still give him love while knowing I am not getting that love back. We talked about divorce and more and more time passes by the more that seems to be were we are heading. Any advise?

Hi! Change is all around us. You did not mention how S-E-X is between you... are you having relations? Try different positions? Give him a hot oil rub down making for a special night? Something has affected him and subsequently you and your marriage. You both could benefit from coumciling. Are things OK at work for him? You need intimate "together" time to push things back. Be kind and gentle...its going to take time. With the good weather, go outdoors for a weekend, or up to the lake. Also keep an "eye" on his friends. Sometimes men reclude into their :little circle" shying away from us. But above all be honest, sincere, and honest...let me know how you made out! Gal_Nancette

People change thoughout their lives. Sometimes for the better; other times for the worse. But change can be good. Everyone thrives on positive growth.

If you both found that there were negative changes taking place, it was a good thing you discussed it.

What are the issues he brings up? What "things" do you do that bother him? When you say his attitude and actions changed, what do you mean?

Is he still cheating? Does he have regret about cheating?

You both can make your marriage work but it will take patience and effort, especially because his discontent has been festering for two years.

If you both want to make this work, you can. And you may not "love him the same way," you may love him better. You CAN create a new, better, stronger and more vibrant marriage if you both face the fact that you both need growth and change. Start talking about what type of life and marriage/partnership you want. What do you hope for in a marriage partner? What sort of lifestyle do you want to lead?

Make lists and then exchange them. Grow together! Don't confuse stagnation for lack of love. The spark can return when you find there are new things to discover about each other.

Good luck and check back with us here!

I recommend two books by Susan Page that could be very helpful. I have had thoughts of whether or not my marriage of over 20 years could last more than another couple years.



The books are "Why Talking Is Not Enough 8 Loving Actions That Will Transform Your Marriage"
and "How One of You Can Bring the Two of You Together
Breakthrough Strategies to Resolve Your Conflicts and Reignite Your Love". I have read the first and am just finishing the second book. They have given me a new perspective on how to solve problems and become closer in your relationship. I am just beginning to attempt to put these ideas into action. The whole idea behind these books is about a philosophy that Susan Page calls having a "Spiritual Partnership". It is about creating a harmony within yourself and in your relationship with your spouse. For further information of the concept of a Spiritual Relationship see: Spiritual Relationships
I highly recommend these books. I have enjoyed them and find them very helpful.

This is why communication is sooo important in a marriage. Without it, marriage dies and I see it every single time. This situation obviously has nothing to do with sex. It's more of an emotional issue which I'm sure in turn, affects sex. I think you and your husband need to sit and get everything off your chests. Sit and listen to everything he has to say. Then you both can decide whether or not the marriage is able to be saved. Although he feels as if he's lost his connection to you, if he still loves you deep inside and wishes to somehow restore the old spark you once had, there's hope. Counseling would also be a good idea. But suggest it after you both have discussed things thoroughly. Best of luck to you. Please keep us updated.