BellaOnline Forums Family Child Abuse I'm new here and hoping to get some answers!!!

Hi all! I am a 33 year old happily married woman with 3 adorable children ages 8, 5, and 2. I have been crying all day long hoping to find some answers regarding my mother. I am wanting to write her a letter to finally after 33 yrs, let her know that I am done with the "headgames" she plays. She was very mentally, emotionally and verbally abusive while I was growing up. I am the only girl and I REALLY want to have a good relationship with her. I feel as though I have given her several 2nd chances. I have finally realized that although we do have our "good times", that she makes me feel really bad about myself a LOT of the time. Since Easter I have been physically sick with anxiety because everything came to a screaching halt on my part that day. I got the cold shoulder all day long (which I have gotten used to and basically ignore), but when we left her house (we hadn't seen her in about 2 months.) my 8 yr old dd asked me "why is grandma mad at me, what did I do to her?" When I asked her why she would think that, she told me that grandma had acted "mad at her". I guess that this was the last straw for me. I DO NOT want my children pulled into this little game. So, when we got home, about a week later, because of me sobbing everyday, my husband and I wrote my mother a very loving letter that did tell her how much we loved and appreciated all that she does for us but we also told her that the head games had to stop and that it was affecting our family in a very negative way and that I was not going to take it anymore. It said that I was willing to sit down and talk to her so she could tell me anything that I had done to her to make her 'mad at me'. Well.....this only ended with her making my stepdad call us and give us the "how dare you treat your mom like this speach" and I could also hear her in the background saying things to him like "she told me that she hated me and that I was not her real mom", and wierd things like that that I KNOW never EVER came out of my mouth. I knew at that point that she would not be ready to sit down and talk like adults. I have also now heard that since this email, she has mad jokes about it, and has said some very hurtful things about my family. So now, I feel like I just need to make a 'final' letter telling her what i need in order to have a relationship with her and then she can decide what she wants to do. I think that she probably thinks that if she is "quiet" about all of this that I will eventually have to see her and that everything will just blow over like it always does and then everyone can get on with thier lives....but I don't want that anymore! It saddens me that she is mentally disturbed so it makes me feel guilty for being so hurt about all of this, but I just can't deal with it right now. She can be a very good grandma and mom when SHE WANTS to be and WHEN OTHER PEOPLE are watching her interact with us, but man can she get nasty. (seriously,we live about 1 hour away from her and the ONLY time she comes up to see us is when she needs a haircut from me. Then she gives the kids a treat, gets her haircut and is gone. It has ALWAYS been MY job to call HER, to visit HER and to fix 'everything'. She loves to make me feel confused about what is going on with us!) Since I got married about 15 years ago, there has not been a lot of 'fighting' outloud, it has mainly been her making me feel bad by the way she treats me and just basically acting like she doesnt care about me. In the past she has said very very very hurtful things and done very hurtful things that I have never ever ever brought up because I just wanted to try and have a good relationship with her (plus I know that she would have a very 'selective' memory when it comes to what she has done to me)....but she just can't seem to grow up. I was diagnosed with a very serious disease that makes me physically hurt almost everyday about 3 years ago. (we had been trying to figure out what I had for about 5 years before that.) My mom never acknowleges my illness, (which hurts, but I have just learned to deal with it). she actually makes me feel like a hypochondriac a lot of the time and i have even heard her make jokes about my disease, but I have just ignored them in the past. I just can't handle trying to be a mom, a wife, trying to learn to accept myself and my disease PLUS the anxiety and guilt that my mom likes to dump on me. I want this letter to be loving and I don't want to bring up the past. I don't need to play the victim.....I just don't want to be a victim any longer. Do I need to feel guilty about my feelings??? How do I do this??? I NEED HELP!!!! PLEASE!!!!! I try to be a very good mother and I know that I am definitely being the mother to my children that I wish my mother could have been to me, but I just feel so guilty and sad all of the time! I don't want to deprive my kids from there grandma, and I don't know if by writing this letter I am "playing the games that she likes to play"!!!!! I just needed to get this off of my chest! Thanks for letting me vent and any advice would be wonderful!!!! Thanks so much!!!!!

WOW!! That was loooooong winded!! SORRY!!!!! =)

my mom is very much the same way. we live 3 blocks away though. she always visits (rarely) when on the way home from the store so she can say she has ice cream melting or whatever in the car. my dad drives by 1,2 and 3 times a day and waves or not. my kids have been seeing this for 12 years saying,"why doesnt grandpa stop? doesnt he like us?" Ive cried, Ive told my parents to please come by. Ive been the one to go to their house. Ive said,stop driving by! nothing works. have you read the posts on grieving? Ive just slowly said good by to the idea of the family dream. we are not currently speaking because they are mad because I insist they change. but im not wanting that anymore because i dont trust that they will even if they said that they would. sorry for your saddness. it truly is devastating! keep believing in your self!! you sound like a nice lady and a good mom:)

I also get an upset stomach,cant eat,headache and want to sleep or cant sleep. my mind races. wear holes in the carpet,jumpy about the door and phone. its hard to just live life free. but Im trying and trying. One day at a time.

oh and dont be sorry about being long winded here........type and type all you need to. I think this is the best place to vent that ive ever found!!!!

thisisme,
First, welcome to the forum! There are many supportive people here!

I was so sorry to read of what you have endured. You do not need to feel guilty about your decision to write the final letter. I think what you are planning to do is very wise because it is about what is in your best interest and the best interest of your family.

When I read about what your daughter said, it broke my heart. My parents were both alcoholics, but my mother was a 'mean drunk.' Most of our abuse came from our mother. When she was sober, she was the nicest person you would want to know. But when she was drunk, which was most of the time, she was downright mean. I vowed that my children would never have to experience what I did.

Well, as my children grew up, they began making comments about what they had witnessed with their grandmother and they also felt that their grandmother was mad at them or didn't love them. I felt so bad because I felt like I hadn't protected them from her alcoholism. They witnessed her drinking at family events and when visiting her in her home. They witnessed the difference in her behavior, words, and actions once she was drinking. That spoke volumes to me!

From the moment they began verbalizing what they were seeing and their understanding of it, I worked very hard at not being around my mother when she was drunk, for the best interest of my children. I encourage you to do whatever you need to do, as a mother, to protect your children from her mind games. They do not deserve to endure those games, and neither do you! You all deserve to be respected and loved.

Feel free to post as much as you would like here!

freemenow,
Good for you for continuing to try! Continue to stand firm and do what is in your best interest and take care of you! I'm proud of you for trying. And yes, it is something that you can only do one day at a time!

To all who have replied.....Bless your hearts!!! I am sitting here crying (again=)....because people actually took the time for me! Wow!! This is truely the FIRST place that I have found that feels "safe" and that I can write my feelings down without feeling like others don't understand.......and you guys (sadly) do understand!! I am sure that more stuff will come out of my mouth (or I guess I should say my finger tips) in the next few days. I am trying my hardest to think of different ways to start this darn letter to my mom!! I just don't want to think about it,..it would be so much easier to just "ignore" her games again...but i don't want to keep doing that! I am kind of mad at myself to be completely honest that I am not being stronger about this. Why was THIS time the time that the head games just became too much to bare?? I guess I will never really know that answer and all I can do is just let myself feel how I am feeling, but I feel as though that this letter to my mother is the ONLY way that I am going to start the healing process. Thanks to you all!!!!! thisisme=)

.....just a thought i am feeling really saddened right now knowing that there have been SO MANY good times (in my adult mommy life=) that me, my mother and my children have had together.....so WHY can't she just leave it at that and not have to 'intertwine' so many 'silent' hurtful headgames into those good times?? I guess that is why I am feeling guilty about not being strong enough to handle this. I don't want to give up those good times and the possibility of future good times with her, but I just don't want to be a part of the bad stuff anymore. AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!! I just want all of the pain to leave my head!!! sorry, just a thought.......you'll all learn that I can type and think all day long when something is on my mind.....but it is so theraputic ya know! Good night all!!! And thanks again!!

Thisisme, please dont be sorry, I am in your shoes too. Im sure you are exhausted. I know I am. Give your self a break. you've done nothing wrong. how can a person be expected to cope and understand such a whirl wind of ever changing moods from their mother? your confusion is completely understandable. I was always the fixer. I had to realize that I could not fix people. please try to seperate your self from her actions. you did not cause it, you can not control it nor can you cure it. you are so troubled by it. I understand that. You are very compassionate. Use some of that compassion for your self. You are the victim here. Stay out of her way. She may or may not come to realize what she has done. Let her stew for a minute. Let her wonder. Take a rest from it. I think letters are too final and we are not good with that sometimes. Sometimes we want the door slammed shut forever becuse we are sick and tired. Nothing has to be done now. Calm yourself with a hot bath. Please let some time pass for you. Its just time. Moms just going about her business as usual I suppose. They live in a world of their own not even knowing the turmoil they create. Hug your husband and kids alot. Heres a hug to you from me! Believe everyone here completely understands the urgency you feel to resolve this. The weight of the world is not really on your back it just feels that way. Ask God to remove this burden from you. Let go and let God:):) I wish you Peace!