BellaOnline Forums Family Daughters Emotionally Abusive Mothers

First of all, let me begin by saying to each of you daughters, that I love all of you! By sharing your stories, you've not only helped yourselves but helped a perfect stranger like me feel "normal"...for maybe the very first time...and I'm 2 months away from my 40th birthday. I'll begin by sharing a few of my experiences and then end with my thoughts on how we can heal. My mother is emotionally abusive. As a child, I never felt connected to her because she never seemed to fully accept me. I spent my entire life doing everything I could to get her to say Hey! Good Job! But that never came. A few of my experiences, that maybe some of you can relate to, are as follows: She isolated me from friends. Abusers ALWAYS isolate, physically or emotionally (never liking anyone you associate with and telling you how bad they are or restricting you from seeing them). In my middle school and high school yearbooks my friends would write "hope to see you this summer if your mom lets you out of the house ever". I couldn't wait to grow up and move out immediately! Which I did... when that happened, I chose a nice apartment that I could afford. She said NO! because black people lived there (she admits her extreme racism by the way). So, her solution was to choose another apartment for me, which I could NOT afford on my own. And would you know I was the only white person in my building? Hmmm. That was her attempt to TIE me back to her financially. Abusers love that kind of control/dependency. It KILLED her that I was surviving without needing her in any way. When it came time to get married, she placed so many "restrictions" on how MY ceremony should go and also treated my inlaws like complete dogs because they had less money than she did. This created so much tension that we CANCELLED THE WEDDING because of her. We eloped and had a celebration with his family only because no one could please her with the ridiculous demands. She demanded that my inlaws send her a written invitation to the wedding ??. So, they did. When she got it, she tore it up and demanded some other odd thing...and another and another. She kept changing the criteria so that we would never meet her expectations. Sadly, I am her only child and she missed my only wedding. STupid if you ask me. I've been accused of being too fat, as she was carrying groceries into my home that she bought which included 6 pies and 4 gallons of ice cream after I insisted that she stop bringing me food. She opened my front door at 5am one day and SCREAMED at the top of her lungs to hang up the phone because she was trying to call and the line was busy... um maybe she could've just walked up the stairs and struck up a conversation that way?? Yea. I've been accused of being too skinny. And not to expose myself too much because I might attract too many men. I've been accused of not being a good mom because I work and I'm not with my son all of the time. In addition, I've also been accused of not being a good money-maker because I stayed home with my son while he was young. I've been accused of being too harsh with the discipline of my son... which she told me immediately after she picked up some dog poop and shoved it in my 7 year old son's face and screamed at him to eat it. Per my mother, I'm too fat, too skinny, too dumb, too smart, too rich, too poor... But, the truth is Is that she is a miserable black hole inside and until she sees herself the way God sees her, she will die being miserable. She cannot live with ANYONE because she cannot live with HERSELF. Another trait of abusers...they hate animals. And, she hates my 3 pound chihuahua. It's sad she takes out her frustrations on a THREE POUND DOG. Disgusts me. I had to move my dog to my friends house to save his life. She never says she's sorry. She never sees what she does is wrong. She tells me I'm making things up. The only way to fight back IS TO EXPOSE HER. When she is acting odd, I immediately call someone and keep them on the line as a witness. Also, when she KNOWS that someone else knows, she can stop her behavior. Which is an indicator that she is in perfect control and not psycho. This forum is great. Thanks for reading. I'll be sure to add more. Girls/Ladies... you're not crazy and you are so wonderful and beautiful and smart! Don't let your retarded mom who uses her tongue to cut you down affect you anymore. IT'S NOT YOU.

Hi there, I am coming to the same conclusion as you. I think my mother has emotionally abused me since my teens. She is very generous with giving presents etc, but there is virtally no emotional support at all and she asked me to get out at the age of 17 after arguing with my pregnant younger sister. To this day she denies throwing me out, but at a tender age of 17 I was told by both my parents I would amount to nothing and end up alone - yet my younger sister was 14 and pregnant! I was acused of breaking & entering and stealing (and I had my house key to get in and only took my clothes).I was always a shy person but do not put up with being mistreated by anyone and my honesty and this is what seems to get me into trouble. I haven't done anything wrong except stand up for what I believe in. I have come to the conclusion that I will speak to them but only on a superficial level. The relationship won't be close. My niece, who my pregant 14 year old sister threw out when this daughter was 17 has come to the same conclusion! She's also a quiet dainty lovely girl. The mum favours the older daughter (as does my mother with my older sister),so history has repeated itself here! We have decided to be civilised to our mothers, but that's it! The relationship has to have [b]your boundaries set [/b]in order for this person to stop hurting you. I am 46 years old and still not being respected by both my parents. I refused to go to my brothers wedding because he univited my husband (over my husband complaining his son not being invited). Now my parents think I am 50% wrong! Ha, what a load of rubbish. You quite simply do not uninvite husbands to family weddings!

Yep, cut ties. Don't allow others to hurt you anymore. It's their [censored] not yours! I'm 46 and still battling with both my parents! Go for it. If you do decided to stay in touch, keep it superficial and not too frequent. Be civilised but don't let her abuse you anymore. I have posted an earlier post, so I won't re-write it but have a read and you will see what I mean. Best wishes.

Ahh. When you said very generous with giving presents...I can completely relate. My mom is generous with money and presents and usually offers something materialistic after one of her meltdowns. A peace offering I suppose...with a hidden agenda. I would much prefer the acknowledgement of the abusive comments and apology though. She mentioned the other day that she hasn't liked me for over 20 years. Wow. I'm sure if I said the same to her she would go nuts. Basically, there are so many things she's said that have pierced my soul that I couldn't possibly mention them all. But, I have learned to accept that I will never please her - regardless. The only one I need to please is the man upstairs. That in itself, has freed me! I am happy to be me!

Hello All, I know some of these are pretty old posts but i feel as if i want to share my own stories. I feel as though my mother is one of those types that is emotionally abusive and has been towards me for as long as i can recall. My mother and I have never gotten along we just are two very different people. From when i was small child the first instance was i remember telling her of a dream i had where she was a witch chasing me, and she said you can't dream that! It's not nice. I thought to myself i can't control my dreams. As i was growing up we drifted further apart, I recall one time sitting in my room writing in my diary, she came in and asked me what i was doing and I told her, to which she responded "you have psycological problems" and walked out without saying anything more or discussing anything more. Then i told her i wanted to go shopping with one of my dad's female friends (dad was paying for my new clothes) and she cried and cried about it. I still do not understand why but i remember not going. Anyways as i was growing up we moved houses, in our new house one time i found my mum in her closet crying and crying saying she wanted to kill herself and her life was terrible. Then she accused me of being emotionally manipulative (as a young teenager probably 14 or so i never understood what this meant) Then i myself became terribly depressed and tried to kill myself. When i came out of the hospital instead of my mum asking me what was happening in my life or what was going on she said to me if i ever do that again she is going to put me in mental hospital and leave me there, then i was upset about that obviously and her mum was there and she said to my mum "just ignore her" meaning just ignore me because i am acting bratty. Then we drifted further apart.... After her mother died she started to pace around the house and cry and pace it was terrifying to watch and she refused to talk about it even when i wanted to try and comfort her. Then at a later stage of myself i lost my job which made me depressed and i was unemployed for six months, to which my mum said to me one day i am too fat and ugly to get a job and no one would hire me. Then in that same period of me being unemployed she wanted to start a conversation with me about god (she is a catholic and i am not and i hate talking about religion because it always ends up in arguments). Anyway i cannot recall the complete conversaion but i said something like "if something like that ever happend i would kill myself" ( I cannot recall the reason of my saying that) So her responce was well maybe you should just kill yourself then. to which i was very upset with, she could not understand why i was upset and even denyed saying that she said that, she said i was crazy and i had mental problems and i need help, and that I am a liar. Until i persisted and stood my ground with her then she said well if i said something like that I did not mean it that way to her then somehow turning it around to make her the victim of something terrible that i said when my brother came home, and started crying to him saying i am so awful to her... My head was spinning from her telling me to kill myself, her denying it then turning it around as if it were my fault then telling my brother i said something terrible to her, so i promptly told my brother what she said to me then she started to cry more saying as if she could ever mean anything like that! So then i distanced myself more from her. I wouldn't say i turned to drugs, i just used my computer (the internet) as a way to escape her and keep away from her. Then a few years ago i came home to find her crying, i went to ask her what was wrong and she would not speak to me, finally i got her to speak to me, and after a while she shut down and didn't want to talk anymore she said talking to me makes her nervous and she hates talking to me (i did not say i feel the same way even though i do). So i went to leave her alone then and she screamed at me as to why i left her, she said she was on the edge and i just left her high and dry. I asked her what she wanted from me since she hates talking to me and she shut down and didn't want to talk anymore. I feel i am the only one out of my siblings to pay any attention to her when she is feeling upset and it really frustrates me as they just live their own lives away from her, even though we all live in the same house. A while ago also she told me she wanted to die and she would be better off being dead, i told my brother i was scared she might harm herself, my brother went to speak to her and she accused me of talking beind her back and making stuff up! I asked her what she would do if one of us told her that we would be better off dead and how she would feel? Now i think she knows i see through most of her games, that is why i feel she said i make her nervous when we do manage to talk. Now she just carries on about god, and it really irritates me to no end because i am not a believer and i do not try and push my non belief on her but she does not have the same boundries and actually called me dumb for not believing in god. So now she goes around my room and put little holy pictures under my mattress or sticks medallions to the frame of my door. I told her it irritates me but she says she doesn't care how i feel and never cared about how i feel, and it is her house and she will do what she likes. Also another thing which really got me worried is about her belief that she was cursed at a young age by someone using black magic on her and that is why she has never been happy in life and is depressed now. So she goes to church and prays and encourages her family to pray for her to remove the "curse" instead of seeking professional help. The thing that really upsets me about this is they encourge her as they are all catholic, one of them called her up and told her they had a dream a demon was laughing at them for praying to god to lift the curse. Which made them beleive it more. And i am struggeling to cope with this and i don't know how to help someone that doesn't want help. There is obviously more but i will keep them to myself. Anyways sorry for the big post but it is cathartic in a way to get these things off my chest, and i am heart broken to read all of the other posts, i wish there was a better resource for people dealing with emotionally abusive parents (it is just as damaging as physcial and sexual abuse). V

Ladies - WOW! Thanks for sharing your stories. To the original poster - if sounds like you know the right thing to do is cut her out of your life, to offer yourself a chance to enjoy your life in a new country. Stop taking calls from her. It's hard, but you need to protect your health and well-being. Adopt a surrogate "mother" in your new country, someone about your mom's age who's in your life, and who's interested in your happiness, and eat lunch with her once a week. If your biological mom isn't healthy enough to be part of your life then share your life, your love and your gifts with someone else. My family is very abusive, both verbally and physically, and I find great strength and comfort in my "urban family," a group of friends and colleagues who support and love me.

I stumbled onto this forum after Googling "abusive mothers" for some insight into my situation. Wow! I never knew there were so many heartless mothers out there. I'm 48 and though I just realized my mother is indeed abusive I now see how her behavior has affected my entire life. For starters, she married my step-dad when I was 4 (my parents divorced when I was 2) and spent my entire childhood trying to pass me off as my step-dad's kid (had him adopt me when my dad moved to the midwest, erased my real last name from all my baby books, etc., and when I would tell people I was in their wedding she would quickly tell them I had a vivid imagination and was making it up). Won't bother you with all the years between now and then but let's just say that a leopard doesn't change its spots. As a result of my childhood, I've always been an overachiever who tries to prove myself in my career, etc., and I've held many glamorous jobs and won awards for my work. I was recently laid off due to no fault of my own from a very well paid position in publishing. She convinced me to move in with her until I get back on my feet. What a mistake! We've been here barely a month and she's already thrown up my job loss (said it was my fault), my divorce, told my 10-year-old daughter that she is going to rent out her room if she doesn't keep it clean and that she has no right to tear up her house simply because "your mother lost yours" (my house is in pre-foreclosure and I'm trying to save it). My daughter is so terrorized that she is afraid to eat. She also berates my older daughter who is pregnant and has bipolar disorder and cannot take her meds by telling her she should be "spayed" after she has this child. I give my mother money but it's never enough. I was feeling positive before I moved in with her and my step-dad, who has early Alzheimer's, but now I feel broken because she is chipping away at my self-esteem on a daily basis. We do nothing right in her eyes. She even inspects our bedrooms and bathroom to make sure they meet her expectations. She calls herself a Christian and yet she has absolutely no compassion whatsoever for people in their time of need. In fact, she seems to get a kick out of "kicking" me when I'm down. I am devastated. My main goal is to get enough money together to move back to my house in another state or take a job elsewhere and move on. We can't stay with her, that's for sure. What would make her treat us this way? Sorry for the long posting...just needed to vent.

JamalAnneMarie- When I read your post it's as if I'm the one that is writting. I lived with an emotionally abusive mother for years, not realizing until much later that it was in fact abuse. It hasn't been until recently that I have heard from her again because of my brother who is experiencing the same form of abuse and is now is in foster care trying to get away from her. The abuse got worse as I grew older and so I went into survival mode. You're so lucky that you're going away to school. I never had that "out". Most recently I decided to do some research on emotional abuse and I have been flawed by what I have read. It's as if everything that I experienced is finally validated. I'm not the "bad daughter", it really wasn't me!!! I quickly learned that the "silent treatment" was the best state to be in with her since I didn't have to hear her consant belittling, etc. She would constatnly be on the phone telling my grandmother how horrible I was, putting me down, making me look like the reason for the trouble. I could never please her, she never (and till this day) doesn't take blame and denies everything. My best advice, just keep the peace until you leave for college. Just do the things that please her. Bide your time, even though it's killing you inside. You're already smarter bc you know that you being abused...I never did. I hope this helps! :) Hang in there!

Hi, it was interesting to read your post, because I am about your age and can recognize things you describe from experience. It is not unfamiliar that trying to explain, over&over again, goes nowhere. I think that a child should not be supposed to fill the hole in a parent`s life. + that it can`t. It`s very hard to be dealing with own challenges, not get enough support, get abuse, get that abuse denyed, be blamed, and try to manage the challenges one has to manage. Or to be overwhelmed by too huge expectations in terms of solving problems one can absolutely not fix. I think that it`s always wise to seek a counsellor and work on the issues, so that one oneself wont be prone to repeat that type of behaviour. It`s a very hard thing to do to let it sink in that a mother can harm her children, even though she wont see that herself, and that she refuses to take responsibility and continues to be harsh, difficult, unsupportive and blackmailing. It`s surely not how it is supposed to be. Life can be unfair. I am sure one time in the future that too will be a crime and such mothers will be taken care of. Nowadays it`s a very "vague" type of behaviour, they get away with the abuse, even though there are many such mothers and it`s a very serious problem in reality. Paradoxically such mothers can be one of the last persons one should try to be understood by, because they often deny everything and abuse even more to get away from the responsibility. In other words one gets abused and then brainwashed by that person not to take it seriously and to feel guilt. It`s sad, to say mildly.

I have a very emotionally abusive mother. She is a very demeaning woman. A few years ago my twin sister was diagnosed with depression and did a few crazy things and ended up in jail for a while. Since that time my mother has become very abusive towards me as well, saying that she never wanted my sister and I, that we were a mistake and that she no longer wants to be our mother. I have 2 older sisters whom she worships the ground they walk on. I dont know what i've done, she has related what my twin has done to me somehow am successful, i have 2 jobs, 2 great kids and relationship of 18 years and still everything i do she degrades. I am 43 years old i need to break free of her but dont know if i have the strength or the courage to do so. but i know it needs to be done. It is affecting my life greatly, I am in so much pain..HELP>