BellaOnline Forums Family Child Abuse Adult survivor of sexual abuse

I am a 50 year old survivor of childhood sexual abuse. My abuser was my biological dad who lived in our home. I was abuse beginning early childhood for approximately 10 years. My two sisters were sexually abused also and my two brothers were physically and mentally abused. My dad passed away more than 30 years ago and my mother is still living. At age 45 I was diagnosed with PTSD, GAD, and Borderline Personality Disorder, received some counseling and medication and I'm functioning fair to good. My issue is that I have never fully resolved the distain for my mother. For many years I tolerated visits with her only to leave in tears feeling verbally abused and sad. For my "protection" I cut-off contact with her. When I felt stronger I tried again to have some existence of a mother-daughter relationship because I LONGED for a mother. That attempt did end well either. I have not seen my mother for nearly five years. My mother still defends my dad's abuse, has gone so far as to call us liars, crazy and demon possessed. I just found out that my 79 year old mother may have cancer and I feel conflicted. Am I terrible person because I feel that I can not be there for her? I also wonder whether or not I could attend her funeral. Thanks for listening.

Of course, you are not a terrible person. My dear, it was her job to be there for you when you were just a child. She failed you. Unfortunately, she had her own problems.

As far as I'm concerned, you must look out for your own mental and emotional sanity. If you want to be there for her, do so. If you can't, don't feel guilty. She broke the bond of trust and loyalty a long time ago. She chose to defend a sick man at the expense of her children. Bad choice. Let her live with her decision.

I know I should feel more compassion for those who make mistakes. But as a mother, I feel strongly about our responsibility to protect our children and I feel angry at those who do not.

My MIL protected her husband through the sexual abuse of her daughters. The girls wanted a mother so badly they chose to believe her claim that she didn't know and they all hushed it up even after he tried things with a granddaughter. Guess what? An uncle told us that she knew all along because he knew; she'd talked about it with his wife and him when it was happening. My husband loves her but has unresolved feelings, too. He is keeping her secret because he doesn't want to hurt his sisters, and his mother is old now, too. His sisters think she was a victim, like them, and dote on her. If they only knew that she was fully aware of the abuse and let it happen for years.

Why or why do we still rush to defend, protect or worry about the offenders?

Your parents broke the family trust. You shouldn't feel guilty for not rushing to back to keep up the pretense of a family. On one hand, I want to say to forgive because they had mental and emotional problems. But on the other hand, you are the one who has to live with the damage that was done and it will be your lifelong burden to do so.

If not going to the funeral will bring more guilt, try to go but I really don't see why you should feel any guilt. You said that even after you visited with her, you'd leave feeling verbally abused and sad. When will you stop the abuse?

You long for a mother but it will not be her. There comes a time when we have to accept that people will let us down, betray us, not live up to our expectations. We have to accept that fact and then let it go. She failed you as a mother. You are an adult now. You can't change the past. You can't recapture your childhood or have the mother you want. Let that go. Your future is ahead of you.

Create the life you want. Be free. Be happy. You control your life and future now.

Be wishes. Keep in touch.

I wholeheartedly agree with Lori! You are certainly not a terrible person. I understand the conflicting emotions that you are facing, to some degree, because my mother was the abuser and later in life, she got very ill with COPD. While I loved her so much and I, too, longed for that mother/daughter relationship we never had when I was a child, I felt so bad because some visits with her were very difficult and brought me to tears as I remembered the things my siblings and I had endured as children, and into our adult lives.

I guess the point I'm trying to make is that you deserve to take care of yourself first and foremost. You must continue to guard yourself emotionally. If you were to visit her, would her attitude be any different? Would she still verbally and emotionally abuse you? I believe if that were to happen, you would be faced with guilt that should not be placed upon you.

I would recommend your visiting her only if you feel you are ready for it. I don't think you should jeopardize your mental health, just to see your mom. If you feel it would bring closure to you, then by all means go to the funeral. I understand that forgiveness is very difficult to do, especially after being abused so terribly. I also found forgiveness truly difficult. Just remember that forgiveness is not for your abusers...it is for you. Forgiving them is a gift to you, in the sense that the guilt and shame that you felt no longer binds you.

I hope this helps. Just remember only you know how much you can handle. Only you know if you are ready to visit her and attend her funeral. Perhaps you can consider going to therapy at the same time, should you decide to visit her or go to her funeral.

You may be hoping she will change, but the sad thing is, most abusers never do and will go to their grave defending themselves and most spouses of abusers will go to their grave defending them as well. Both of my parents were the abusers. My dad almost died this year but was miraculously healed, but he still persists in blaming me for the abuse that he and my mom dished out, as does my mom. The hope you may have and then the sadness that she does not change may make things even more painful for you. I struggle with this question myself. My family was very upset with me for not coming to the hospital more when my dad was sick but I simply could not affort that kind of emotional investment when I knew he'd never change.