BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids My girlfriend doesn't want kids...I'm not sure

Hi everyone. First off I'm not married but I was hoping to get some advice from people who are. I am in much need of some wisdom and don't know who to ask. Although we've been together for only a year now both me and my girlfriend are incredibly in love with each other. We are both 27 yo btw. As of late though, the Baby Conversation came up and it really hit hard. I knew she wasn't very fond of the idea of having kids but she seemed to have been coming around for a little while, or so I thought. I don;t know how it started but basically she told me that she doesnt think she'll ever want kids. I on the other hand am not sure but am not as convinced of the idea of not having children. What I really want to know is, has anyone here made a decision to be with their significant other even if they weren't 100% sure if they wanted kids or not? Did one of you grow in to the idea more because of their significant other or did any of you think you might change your mind one day but your partner might not? I would appreciate anything you can share with me. My sincerest thanks, -eddie

Hi Eddie :) This is always a hard situation to deal with. There's always a point in every relationship when the baby thing "hits hard". I went through it for almost 4 years until I recently made my final decision. My husband has always known how I felt about babies. I love them but never had a desire to have any of my own. When I met him, my feelings on children were like a roller coaster. I was afraid of regretting my decision not to have kids. My husband says he's not able to plan children but feels that he may regret never having them when he grows old. Now I've made it clear where I stand from the very beginning. If there ever came a time where he needed to have kids, we would have to end our marriage. I would suggest to you that you make sure you want children for the right reasons and not just cause you can or because it seems like the right thing to do. If your girlfriend makes it clear to you that she doesn't feel the same, then perhaps it's time to reevaluate your relationship and consider whether it's worth your happiness to continue to persue it. All the best to you.

Hi Jellyroll "If there ever came a time where he needed to have kids, we would have to end our marriage." That's how I'm feelin right now. I can't tell what the future will hold for me, but I do know I love my girlfriend right now. before I met her I always assumed I Would have kids. Not that I put the upmost thought in to it but I do know I have paternal instincts. I read someone mention on another post that there are associations like Big Brothers and things like that. While it seems like something of an alternative, I can't say if it would be what I want... I appreciate your reply Jellyroll :) I'm hoping some others had something to share aswell.

When I met my husband I made it clear we wouldn't have children.. at some point tho I said to him... if he really really wanted kids then I'd do it.. on the condition that upon any divorce he would have to take the kids with him. SIlly it sounds I know... but he sounded like you... he just thought thats what people do. They get married and have kids. 2 years into our marriage tho' he realised that he had no good reason to want children apart from the fact that thats hwat people did. He also realised that it was no good to make me have kids.. cause he realised after marrying me, just how useless a mother I would be... never mind my love for material things.. there never seemed to be space even to start planning to have kids.... then the more of our friends had kids the more he realised just how much he didn't want them.....he went and had his vasectomy done in April.... thats the end of that story....We love each other deeply... and the relationship feels so special because we know it will always just be the two of us... sometimes I feel like I feel even more intimate with him... because its so beautiful that he respected my wishes... and took the time to think about it seriously... most people don't because they make assumptions that thats what is done... but really its not true. I feel so close to my husband knowing he loves me more for being this woman.... who just wants to be with him...and I love him more... for wanting to be with just me.

Wow, thanks for the great reply. I'm hapopy for the both of you. I am taking this very seriously and I cherish our relationship so much, I can understand how your husband reached his decision to be with you.

Hi Eddie - my partner and I have been in a similar situation, though my husband really wants kids, and I'm increasingly leaning towards no. Ultimately, if your girlfriend decides she absolutely doesn't want to have kids and you feel like your life can't be fulfilled unless you do, then you will likely need to go your separate ways (figure this out before marriage if possible!). But speaking from my own experience, the more that you can listen to her and be supportive of her feelings, the better - it's awful to feel as though you're being valued by a partner only if you're willing to have a child, and the more room you both have to explore these questions, the easier it will be to come to a decision that works for you both. My other piece of advice - keep talking about it, but don't let it become an issue that takes over your lives. You might also want to find a counselor to work with together. If you're not sure you want kids, and if the process makes you face your own reasons for why you might or might not want to be a father, that's important - and you may decide that you'd have an equally fulfilling life without children. Good luck.

Hi eddie, That is a really tough situation, in my relationship we are both of the same mind as not wanting kids but if my long time boyfriend changed his mind it will most likely end in going our seperate ways. Although having children takes two the female is the one who will have to endure the pregnancy, the birth and most probably staying at home for a while, which is a big impact on her life. You really need to look deep down at why you want your own kids and how you lives would work with a child involved. Good luck K

Hi Ed, neither me and hubb know if we want children or not (although we haven't really talked about it, in my own head i'm not sure one way or the other). To be honest, if push came to shove and he said to me that he didn't want children, that would be fine. I'd rather be with him than have to go out and find another person to try and match what I'd given up and risk being with someone else that I didn't get along so well with or love. I'd imagine a childfree relationship with "the one" would be much more fulfilling than a mediocre (or worse) relationship with someone else and the stress of bringing up children - who may not thank you for it when they grow up!

A good friend of mine was dead-set against having children for years, while she was with a particular guy.

They broke up, and she met someone else, and then her perspective changed. She said she could never "see" herself bringing kids into the first relationship (I never pressed her for a reason), but that, once she was with the second guy, she decided she wanted kids.

So that's one example of someone changing their mind regarding children. (It took a change of partner, though, for her to see things differently.)

I went though a similar experience. I think it was because the man im with now I have such a strong connection to I want to create something beautiful with him. And all the other guys just weren't that important to me. But now that im with him I want more!