BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids I need some input on people and their judgements!

Ok heres a problem I am having! I do not want kids and my husband does not want kids....lucky to have found a man that agrees! Unfortunately everyone in our age group wants kids....thats not the negative part....the negative part is that they seem to treat us like there is something wrong with us because we dont want them. Also, I have recevied comments like well its good your not going to have them since you dont have maternal instincts. I dont agree with that and it hurts my feelings. I know how to take care of a child and how to be loving....i adore my neices, but I dont want to keep them forever. I recognize the commitment children represent and the hardship having children bring. I also do not downgrade the opposing thought of the positives they bring to ones life, but in my mind the negatives have always outweighed the positives. I just dont like people thinking i cannot care for a child or that I hate them. The opposite is true, I just dont need to have one to prove i am a loving woman. Also it is so hard to find friends that are ok with this! Hes in the military and weve recently moved to CA and I feel like people think we are odd because we dont have multiple kids like everyone else!! This is just something that is bothering me recently and I wanted to first rant:) and second see if anyone had any similar views! Thanks! Carmen

I'm sure all the child free members of this forum can relate to you. I know I can. I feel just as you do. I adore kids, I just don't want any. I have never wanted children. The desire never grew in me. Also the responsibilities I can do without. I have enough problems and stress dealing with life as is. One thing to keep in mind, most people that talk harshly around you are just full of crud. Why would anyone give a hoot whether you have kids or not? It doesn't affect them in any way. That comment that was thrown at you about your maternal instincts was just hateful. There's no reason for someone to sink so low. I hope you said something because that person really should learn their place. If you can avoid that person, do so. Miserable people like that only make others miserable. I haven't experienced harsh comments like that but I have been questioned and scolded about my decision not to have children. I recently realized that I owe no one an explanation or an apology my for choices. I live the way I choose to live. No one lives for me.

The beauty with judgement is that in doesn't change anybody... we don't become anyone else but who we are... wether people judge us or not.. we remain ousrselves... I am a fan of ditching unhealthy relationships. I believe if the relationship becomes more of a burden than a joy... then maybe thats not the relationship I want to be in. What do you think?

If we can look at ourselves and be genuinely happy with who we are and confident in our being, then yes, you are absolutely right. I think though that this comes with age. As we are going through life and building up the experiences that make us who we are we are greatly affected by others judgements and will often attempt to change ourselves. This is all part of the journey to becoming ourselves. Once we know who we are, look in the mirrow and know that we approve of ourselves then the judgement of others no longer matters. I too believe in ditching the relationships that cause us pain, though too often that pain comes from family, and that is a relationship that is not so easy to ditch.

I'm like that with my family as well. Interestingly they always come back. I hate unhappiness. And I am overprotective about my own. My husband reckons we should ALWAYS protect our good mood. So I protect my good mood. It keeps me happy. I love this quote by Henry David Thoreau: Dwell as near as possible to the channel in which your life flows. and
Mark Victor Hansen: Dedicate yourself to the good you deserve and desire for yourself. Give yourself peace of mind. You deserve to be happy. You deserve delight

I am dedicated to my happiness

Andso...I just had to register to say how much I love your quotes and the idea of protecting your own happiness. I am now dedicated to my own happiness too. I just hadn't articulated it before or allowed myself to frame it that way. Its so affirming and strong. Love this forum.

cwolf88

Just to help you out here and give you another point of view:

I am a mother and grandmother and I agree with you: it is at times a struggle and hardship raising your own children. I admire you - that you know who you are and what you want in life. To admit that you do not want children is a brave thing to do in society. You explain yourself very well and no one should ever put you down for that.

People just do not seem to understand that even though you do not want children, you can still be a loving and nurturing person to children and take great care of them - then send them home to their parents.

I love my kids and grand kids very much and do not regret having them in my life. But, I understand those who do not want children and admire them for admitting that. That is far better than people who have children and do not take proper care of them or abuse them.

Keep your chin up and stay strong.

Here's what I don't understand. How come we let people get away with comments like these? We would NEVER even dream of saying something horrible to someone who has kids that would be judgmental of their decision. Yet they feel they have the right to judge our decision (or circumstance if it's not a choice) and make comments to us? I just don't understand why it's okay for others to say mean things to us when we have never said anything rude to them about their children?

Sorry, it just bothers me. Maybe if someone says something again, you could comment on the fact that you wouldn't say something like that to them, so they shouldn't say it to you.

[quote=holles]Here's what I don't understand. How come we let people get away with comments like these? We would NEVER even dream of saying something horrible to someone who has kids that would be judgmental of their decision. Yet they feel they have the right to judge our decision (or circumstance if it's not a choice) and make comments to us? I just don't understand why it's okay for others to say mean things to us when we have never said anything rude to them about their children? Sorry, it just bothers me. Maybe if someone says something again, you could comment on the fact that you wouldn't say something like that to them, so they shouldn't say it to you. [/quote] That is so true. If they don't agree, why is it so hard for them to say it in private behind our backs? Why do they feel the need to say it to our faces as if we haven't any feelings. I don't get why they feel the need to be so harsh.

Hi everyone, I can relate from the opposite perspective, as a hard core CF girl I always tend to judge folks with kids. I see pregnant women and parents and think, ugh, why would you do that to yourselves? But, I feel like a jerk for judging, I am striving to feel neutral rather than agitated and move on towards happiness and acceptance. It's just up to the naysayers (myself included) to open our minds, there are so many options in life that are OK. I even bought the Jenny McCarthy baby book to try to relate to my pregnant friends. If people trash talk you, just chill out and be confident in your CF preferences, hopefully they come around someday and accept you for the nice person you are.