BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Final decision to have or not children

Gullivera, I was just reading your original post, and I wanted to say good for you for being honest with yourself - it takes a lot of courage and I'm glad that you're feeling happy as you move closer to a decision. I can relate to the agony of the process - I think having a partner who's on the other side makes it that much harder. If you're with someone who is just fine staying childfree, suddenly your feelings are validated and you can just get on with it! I was having lunch with a friend a few weeks ago and somehow this topic came up and she said that she and her partner had decided ages ago to be childfree and they were both happy with the decision and hadn't thought twice about it since. I was so jealous - not so much because of her clarity, since like you I've been moving more and more towards a feeling of clarity, but because as a couple they were so clearly on the same page. I thought to myself, "Why I am wasting so much emotional energy on this?!"

I am still young, but I know excatly what you mean! I never had the wedding and kids fantasy that everyone I knew had growing up. I just never had the urge to have kids. This at times make people act negatively towards me(probably in part because I am so outspoken), but at least I was responsible and didnt get pregnant anyway! My husband feels the same way and I couldnt imagine our life any other way! Sometimes people just dont need a child to make their lives special:)

oops! Maybe I spoke too fast...By husband's friend had a baby a month ago and we went to visit them, but not once did I take the baby or showed I was overjoyed or hinted that I would love to be a mom myself. I was just nice and polite and said I was happy for them. That's it. I *think* my husband was not too pleased with my reaction and last time I asked for his friend and how he's doing, he said he hadn't heard about him. So I'm back to the torture....Gosh, I should've known it was too good to be true!

I've been there! I recollect such a situation exactly with my then boyfriend. Believe me, nobody will change minds/ hearts. Someone will have to compromise or it will be over!! And compromises are not easy to arrange here.

Solalux, if you could do it over, what would you differently? If you don't mind my asking?

That is a very good question, I have often asked myself.

Before child, before therapy, before finding this forum, I thought there was something wrong with me for not wanting children, that I was the only one in the entire world. I even thought that people who didn't have children had very good solid reasons, like economical, environmental or were too pessimistic about the world, that I was the only with no other reason than not wanting them: pregnancy and birth were disgusting and kids far from worth the effort.
Having a child has helped me to know me better. I miss a lot of things, and I know I would have been happier with someone who shared my views, but then life is not always what you are expecting, it is also what happens to you. At least now, I know there was nothing wrong with me, I saved my relationship; my man, who, with other woman would have probably had at least one more child, is now more than fulfilled with our only child. We have taught him to be very open to others, so he stays alone with grandparents and babysitters, so that we can have some freedom. We taught him to sleep in his bed from the beginning, so he enjoys his bed and we our intimacy. I love my child more than anything (apart from dh) I just try to have space for me/us.

What would I do different? I tell myself, it is better to regret doing something than the opposite. With what I know now, I would have faced the pregnancy and birth with less expectations. I was told so often that everything would be wonderful when I saw the baby, that I felt awfully guilty for not feeling anything. I shouldn't have believed those voices and I shouldn't have pressured myself to feel things I couldn't feel. Curiously enough, the biggest mistake I did that I regret the most is being talked into trying breatfeeding. It was sooooo horrible, I hated it so much that I thing the baby noticed because it never worked. I gave up after just 2 days, but I have never been able to see my breast as something sexual. I was still expecting this f*** magical bond!!! I should have grabbed the bottle right away.

Hello, This is my first post and i thought i would start here as this forum was the reason i joined up to bella online and seems an apt topic. I have always never wanted kids growing up, partly because i had depression and would never want a child to go through that and additionally i don't think i could cope with the extra pressure being a parent involves. I have enough problems in my life without adding more! I have just turned 30 and still feel the same. Luckily i have a great partner who shares the same view. Kids are cute and all, but just not for me! k

[quote=Solalux]I've been there! I recollect such a situation exactly with my then boyfriend. Believe me, nobody will change minds/ hearts. Someone will have to compromise or it will be over!! And compromises are not easy to arrange here. [/quote] Solalux, this is the hardest part. A part of me understands that I have to let go and respect his decision whatever it is, but another part is very upset at him for not seeing my point of view! I know, silly and immature. The reason why I'm still with him is because so far he's told me that he might decide not to have kids either, and I see a lot of behaviour that "validates" this. But I also take the chance that he might change his mind down the road, and then what? We avoid the topic altogether, but he knows that I'm serious. It's just weird. Every day I find new reasons for not having kids without even trying or thinking about it at all and every day I get further and further away from the image that I always had all my life: that someday I would get married and have 2 kids (girls) and live very happy. That's why my situation is very painful and different from women that say that all their lives they knew they didn't want kids. I had even told my husband I couldn't wait to have kids, and after only 4 months of marriage I was asking so when are we having a baby? (Thank God he "stopped" me or else I know I would've gotten pregnant). I think if it wasn't for this forum I would be seeing a shrink right now hahaha I try not to let this issue bother me too much, but when I do think about it....it's torture!

Welcome to the forums, kleite! Your story sounds very similar to mine (except that I'm 32 and still struggling with the depression).

Thanks 4ferrets! I still have the depression aswell, but i am getting treatment for it and seems to be better managed. As a teenager though it was another story, wouldn't want anyone to go through that. k