BellaOnline Forums Family Adoption Post Adoption Depression Support

Hi everyone!

I wanted to talk a little bit about Post Adoption Depression, and feel free to add your own thoughts or experiences to this thread.

It's not uncommon for parents to experience some form of depression after completing the adoption process. This can vary from a few weeks of feeling tired or having the blues to more severe forms of depression, lasting longer.

It doesn't mean that parents aren't thrilled beyond belief about their newest member of the family.

It does mean that after spending months, a year, or years on the adoption journey, the transition to parenthood can be overwhelming.

Parents should be aware that this is completely normal, and that it's perfectly ok to talk with their doctor, and a licensed, reputable therapist if needed.

You wouldn't hesitate to find one for your child if needed, so don't hesitate to find someone for yourself if you feel like you might need someone to talk to.

It's perfectly fine and healthy to have help with this exciting and overwhelming transition.

You're also more than welcome to post and share your thoughts here on the Adoption forum. This is a supportive, non judgmental environment, and there's always someone a click for support!

Great post Brandii, hopefully I will be experiencing these blues later!

I have never even given this any thought. This is the first time I have read anything about this but it seems natural. The hormones involved in parenting surely are involved and it's a biological event for the parents as well as the actual physical event of getting the child.

Maybe that's why I haven't seen anything about this before. New, adoptive parents must feel this is somehow a reflection on them and people may ask them if this is what they really wanted in the first place. I can see why it may be hidden.

I'm not adopted nor do I desire to adopt a child but I have adopted many pets. When sometimes I will have a fleeting thought "Why did I take this animal in? Not saying human children are animals, well, we are all animals in the biological sense, I'm just trying to make a point here. But those thoughts are brief and pass. Especially if the animals exibits bizzarre behaviours or is sick. It passes and I do grow to love them. It's the actual care and their responses to it that feed the connection.

I commend anyone who has gone through any adoption process. From what I understand it's quite harrowing but brings great joy in the end.

I do recall seeing a program about adoptive parents who want to give the child back and the reasons why. That's rare but it does happen. How many things in life we think we want and eventually DO get but once we have it, it wasn't what we thought it would be like.

"How many things in life we think we want and eventually DO get but once we have it, it wasn't what we thought it would be like."


How many times have I told my children, careful what you wish for...you just might get it! Or the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.

We worry that we won't be able to do a good job raising our grandaughter, but after all this mess we realized that the job we could do was far better than the job her mom would do.

Oh, she's blood. I think that makes a huge difference. You do it for HER. Little girls are so neat. does she like hats?? Hahahaha. How old is she?

Very interesting post. I've read that any major lifestyle change, even if it's something you've wanted for years and years, can bring on depression. I wrote an article once called Post Dream Depression. We all need to be aware of this.

Yes! This is why most psychologists recommend not making more than one major life change at a time. Ot at least try not to. Like if you are expecting a baby and need to move into a new house, try to do so several months before or after the birth.

As far as adoption goes, the road to the "grand finale" is constant stress. The parents' bodies are in a constant state of of raised adrenaline. Once the adoption goes throught, those hormones slack off and the parents feel exhasuted. Then add in a new baby - and it is now wonder they feel a little depressed (in the physical sense). It is a total system let-down. And the body totalle affects the brain. Add guilt to that (because they don't feel joyous enough) and you've got the perfect recipe the blues.

Yes, she is my oldest son's girl. She will be 2 next month on the 13th. She does like hats, but she won't keep one on. Another one of my grandaughters wears hats all the time.

I can definately say major lifestyle changes will effect you. But sometimes we have no control over these things! Our life has been really crazy lately and I have given up hoping for things to return to "normal". I don't even know what that is anymore!

Connie

Maybe you could get her some funny hats.

Thank you, everyone, for responding and understanding! That's just what I was hoping this thread would be--a supportive environment to talk honestly about feelings and emotions that come when an adoption is complete.

In years past, adoptive parents were almost afraid to admit their feelings, especially after they waited so long for their child or children.

Thankfully, many have come forward through the years and talked openly and honestly about their feelings and how they coped with them.

I think it also helps, like you guys were saying, to know that depression is normal with many life changing events, and that there is help out there.

Connie, I think you bring up an excellent point. There's a new normal, whether planned or not. I think the key is reaching to vent, or simply to talk with others while going through major changes can be very helpful.

Also, being able to know when you need to reach out to a professional (sometimes a trusted friend, family member, or doctor can help with this) can be very helpful as well.

I think it's important for anyone to remember that there is nothing wrong in any way, shape, or form in asking for some help adjusting to your new life.

Thank you all so much for your posts!! We adopted our son 2 years ago. Our process was so intense! We did foster to adopt and adopted our son at age 4. The wait to have him in our home after meeting him and doing regular visits was months then when he finally came it took much longer to finalize. I kept telling myself that as soon as it was finalized things would start being "normal" HAHA! I am slowly learning that "normal" to me is being able to accept your reality and make the best of it and learn to enjoy the journey not place your happiness on the thoughts of the destination. We have been so careful to make sure our son had an excellent therapist to talk to and that he had familiar people in his past to make a smooth transition. Only recently we relocated to a different state for my husbands company. I was so worried that my son would react to it and it would trigger negative behavior. Well...he is doing fine, great actually! He thinks its an excellent adventure and loves making new friends in the neighborhood. To him he has an opportunity to be just another kid, not the boy who was "adopted." I on the other hand am a mess. I have horrible insomnia, am constantly questioning my parenting and feel like I am a failure for not being able to provide my son with a sibling that he so wants. Reading this and talking to my husband and close friends and family I realized that this is probably pretty normal. And it is time I pamper my mental capabilities with a therapist. I am learning its ok to need to talk to someone and instead of saying well geez its not like I was ever in foster care or suffered hugely, I am saying you know what I went through an adoption then we had a 2 year old foster son that we wanted to adopt live with us for a year and that placement fell through, and then we moved months later. I am surprised I am not more crazy! I am only a human suffering along with the human condition, yay for educated kind-hearted people willing to give support and guidance. Lets celebrate the adult that is willing to say hey I need some advice! Thanks for this post so I can add my rambling.

Sounds like your son is doing great! After we moved here my son seemed to blossom. Sometimes a change is a great thing.

Have you thought about trying a sleep aid? I know if I don't get good sleep then I am a mess...I have always needed at least 8 hrs or more a night.

I have to commend you ladies for doing what you're doing. I don't have any children and really don't feel the need to BUT we all are different. If you have the desire to adopt and have done it, more power to you and BLESS you for doing it. God knows there are enough unwanted children out there needing a mother. I know you both have husbands but Mum IS the most important IMO to any little person, Daddy being second, but then of course they switch back and forth. Hahahahahaaaa.

Maybe it's time for a PUPPY. I know connie has one and what a cutie he is too.

Hi DesignMama!

Welcome to the Adoption forum, and to Bella Online!

Thank you so much for your insightful post!

I was so happy to see the responses on this thread. Far too often, Moms and Dads forget that they have gone through a major life change as well, and their healthy (physical and mental) often takes a toll.

It sounds like you are so smart to recognize that it's ok to feel a little overwhelmed!

I loved your quote in your post:

"I am slowly learning that "normal" to me is being able to accept your reality and make the best of it and learn to enjoy the journey not place your happiness on the thoughts of the destination."

Such true words!

I've heard from parents who have adopted, that said after the adoption was finalized, it was a hard transition from adoption paperwork, hearings, etc. straight into parenthood.

One Dad said that when he was going through the adoption process, he allowed himself a certain amount of time daily or weekly to think about the big picture, and then the rest of it was simply living in the moment, and chasing after a one year old he hoped to adopt as well.

I'm sorry about your foster placement falling through. That must have been devastating!

It sounds like all have been through so much, good and bad.

Definitely don't be afraid to reach for help. Also, you might want to check with your primary care doctor. Sometimes, there can be health issues that affect sleep patterns that aren't always obvious. Stress is obviously a huge reason, but it might not be a bad idea to go for a check up just in case.

On a light note, would your son settle for a pet fish or hermit crab? One Mom told me that while it didn't take the place of sibling, it sure did get her daughter's mind off of it (for a while, at least).

I'm so thankful you posted your experience!

That was my goal for starting this thread--to have a supportive dialouge where parents who have adopted or are in the process, can honestly share their experiences and feelings, and know that they are not alone.

Congratulations on your move! Are you unpacked yet?

I'm still finding boxes that haven't quiet got unpacked (and I am too embarrassed to even tell you how many years we've lived here).

So I did meet with a therapist and it was fabulous! It wasn't that he had this instant magic word that made all the stress and worry go away, its just knowing that I am in control of me and I am doing my best and really that is all that matters. I am going to continue to go because I want to become totally at peace with everything, the adoption, the loss of a foster child, the move, etc. But mostly because we do want more children but I want them to have the best possible me. Ladies I totally recommend talking to someone. It is such a burden lifted knowing that its okay to be human and I don't have to fix the world all in one day!

I am glad to hear that you got some help! I bet now you wish you would have done this earlier!

Hi DesignMama!

I know I keep quoting your words, but you are such a great example of how healthy it can be to reach out and talk with someone.

I am so happy that you went to see someone, and can recognize that you don't have to fix the world in one day. That can sure be one hard lesson to learn, can't it?

I think you're so smart to allow yourself to cope with all of the major changes, including the loss of your foster child. I'm thrilled for you that you have a therapist to talk with to help you through all of this.

Congratulations on taking care of you, and having that burden lifted!

Hi DesignMamma!

I just wanted to check in and see how things were going!

You shared such great inspiration and honesty in your posts! I think you summed it great when you said that you don't have fix the world in one day.

How are things going now?

If you need to chat or vent, we're a click away!

If anyone else is reading this, go through this thread and realize that it's perfectly ok to talk with someone if you are feeling overwhelmed.

Also, please feel free to share your thoughts, feelings, etc. about what you are going through. There's no judgment here--only friendly support.