BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage can anyone give me some advice please

Married for 14 yrs 2 kids marriage not going well. We had a good weekend then last night my h wanted me to go to bed and watch a porno. I do this now and again but do not like doing it and feel i am pushed into it. Anyway I said no but would go upstairs and have sex, I hardly ever turn him down and he has a high sex drive. Anyway then he said he should never have came back after his fling and seems to think I am up to something. I told him I would not do what he did to me. Anyway ended up having sex and this morning back being really cold to me and is convinced I am up to something. I have honestly done nothing.

We have been at this stage so many times before and think that I have maybe just had enough. My daughter hates her dad as he has more time for our son than her. I can see it as well. I get no kisses, cuddles etc.

I think it would be easier on my own than pampering to a man child.

Only you know your own limits.

If you leave, will you make a clean break or keep going back and forth? Your children need emotional stability. You must model a healthy sense of self.

Be healthy in mind, body and spirit. Choose to create a healthy life.

Hi, You are in a bit of a fix. Stop blaming yourself; the relationship is broken and requires either repair or dismissal. Seek joint counciling-there's nothing wrong with saying I want to learn more about sex to express my love and feelings for you, You forgave his infedelity SO YOU made the first move, Now he's harboring suspision? You have the responsibility of your children while putting yourself first. You found him; what makes you think you can't find another? Smell the roses honey -life is short. I hope this helps... and LASTLY do not tolerate any emotional abuse.

One thing I have learned is that people that are the most accusatory about something (cheating, alcohol, drugs, anything) are those that are guilty of it themselves.

If a person is committing adultery and trying to cover it up, then they will see "signs" of it in other people. Usually to justify why they are doing it themselves.

You should never feel forced or coerced into anything sexual by your partner. There is such a thing as rape in marriage - and your husband is treading a very close line.

Sex should be about love and sharing yourself - not about being being a sex toy for your husband. I know that is blunt, and I am sorry to put it that way - but that really is how your husband is treating you.

Please realize you are worth way more than this. If your husband is willing to go to counseling with you, then there is some hope for him and the marriage. If not, then cut your losses and find someone who truly loves you. You deserve better.

He is projecting his own guilt by 'suspecting' you of an infidelity. He doesn't feel worthy of your ability to forgive him....and there is always the possibility that he didn't want to be forgiven so there could be a clean break.

I want to reiterate what gal_nancette said...."do not tolerate any emotional abuse". It's sounds like you are being subjected to plenty of it and even if it isn't directed toward your kids, they suffer from it, too. I've been there, and I understand.

If you're staying for financial reasons, there is assistance out there for you. If you're staying for fear of retribution, there are shelters for abused women and their children.

Take your time, make a plan, set goals and talk with your children. Turn to your close friends for emotional support and if you can, let your family help you financially till your on your own. You have the ability to set your limits and you have the ability to empower yourself.

This reminds me of my ex-husband so much, it's almost painful.

What would happen with us basically would be a cycle. Looking back personally, I shouldn't have married the person but anyway I took marriage vows seriously. The cycles would be long, cordial at times, but cold overall one that made the insides of your stomach tight. Right before wanting sex, there would be a small effort to be contientious. I would hope the dark cycle was gone for good and after sex would go right back to being abusive.

I decided to leave. I couldn't feel anymore and felt dead. I didn't care about money or what I would leave behind. I just wanted a safe environment for my daughter. I did not go back and forth, as Lori mentions. I can't tell you how many women do. I tell you, in doing so, if a woman or man were to, defeats any ground of respect or stability the person is in hopes of seeking. If you go, you go and don't look back.

It was hard financially, emotionally, physically and mentally, but I feel like I am breathing and living life and have the most wonderful Soul partner and love of my life. Every day is filled in some manner with magic and growth, laughter and affection. I would go through that madness 20 x's over knowing at the end of it was my Soul Mate I should add, we've been together now for over 3 years.

_______________________________

Elleise
Clairvoyance Editor

Elleise, that is a beautiful story. You're right. You have to make a decision and not go back and forth. That can be very difficult, but once you're through it you realize you have a strength you didn't know existed.

You sound like a very strong woman. I'm glad you're happy, now.

Elleise, you are a strong woman. Do you wonder, as a clairvoyant, why we go through such hard times? Is it working out karmic ties? Is it for soul growth?

In any case, your story serves to show women that there is hope for a better future. It takes faith and courage to let go of one lower rung on the ladder of life in order to reach up and grab the higher rung.

Bravo for taking an active role in creating the life you wanted!

Skinnycow, I've read your previous posts about your life. You're still holding on for a variety of reasons. But one day, you'll decide you're ready for a new life. You're a dear woman and I feel sorry for your husband when you realize you deserve better from a man. But take courage from Elleise. Once you decide, do not turn back. Good luck.

Nancette - Your response was just about perfect. I would only add is that the children know there are problems and it makes for a very unhealthy environment for everyone. Let me ask you a question or two Skinny Cow, if I may.

As you arrive home from being at ork or wherever, does it feel like a dak cloud is hanging over you and your home? Do you sometimes dread having to go home? Do you find yourself wanting to leave the house more and more? If you answered yes to these questions, then it is time for a change. I answered yes to them and I made a change. I am happier for it in the long run.

There are agencies in your town or city that will help you move, help you find a place, and even help pay for it in most cases.

On the other side of the coin, if you feel there is a glimmer of hope that the marriage can be saved, then by all means make it happen. I am very much for relationships working.

However, you should talk to the children privately and ask them how they feel and if they would be happy with a change. Tell them how you feel, good or bad. Allow them to be a part of the process rather than surprise them with any announcement.

I wish you the best of luck in this and it is an unneviable spot to be in. Above all else, talk with your husband about what may happen if some changes aren't made and made soon. This way, if he doesn't change, then it means he doesn't care if you are gone or not.

Good Luck and good thoughts and prayers.

I have not been on for a few days but can i just say thanks to everyone who has replied. I feel like I am always moaning at the moment but with good reason.

My husband knows that we are now near the end and there have been a lot of arguements over the last week and where he mentioned a separation but did not go through with it. It seems like once one thing is sorted he is looking for something else to argue about and I keep telling him I am not arguing in front of the kids but he just keeps going. My daughter still says she hates him, i do think she does in a way for the way he is being but I know deep down she does still love him. I am seeing a difference in my son over the last month where he is angry quite a lot and is always cuddling into his dad. They hear the arguements and I think that he maybe has an idea what is coming. I also had a few problems with him earlier this year with regard to going to the toilet which got sorted but looks like it is coming back and feel that this could be something to do with the way things are at the moment.

I am realising that he will never change maybe just be completely different with someone else but not with me.

last year I used to dred going home but not any more. I think I have barriers up and can deal with things to an extent. I do want to go and visit family that he does not want to but love being in the house when he is not there. I told my boss yesterday I actually feel like a puppet with someone pulling my strings and I do not want that. I want to be free to do things for me and the children and for them to be happy and content.


He told me last night that he would sell our house before he would get rid of his car? He has no thought for anybody else. My work might be in difficulty later in the year but he is on about handing back to keys to the house now and going down the repossession route before it even happens? I keep telling him we will deal with it when it comes. He told me he feels like he is banging his head off a brick wall.

I will be able to support myself and kids financially, that is not an issue I am earning more than him at the moment. I have emailed a friend who is a lawyer and waiting on some general advice etc.

I am at work and some days start crying (as I did when i read the above messages). Anyway it is not worth it. Hopefully by the next time I am on this website I will have started the process from which there is no going back.

thanks again xx