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#503463 03/17/09 07:01 PM
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In writing poetry, editing and revising is a part of the process. You can read more at;
Editing tips

You can post your poems here for feedback, editing, and critiques from the community!

Last edited by Angela -Poetry Editor; 04/19/09 05:12 PM.

Angela Saunders
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dilcrawf #504348 03/21/09 09:25 PM
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I think it is a beautiful poem Diana- The concept of comparing humanity and a garden- I love the thought!

As for feedback, I found the meter throws me off just a bit, since there isn't consistency throughout the lines- when reading it aloud, I had to re-read it several times, yet it didn't quite match up.
Also, with the line, the "water needs to flow freely" the emphasis when speaking the line also feels a bit off.. but if you reversed it and said "freely flow"- it rolls off the tongue a bit better.

Keep writing Diana! Poetry is from the heart smile


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Do you think sad poems are less popular than glad poems?

I enjoyed reading about the poem and the critique and thought I'd share my recent experience of submitting a poem. I had one that was in a rating submission at Number 3. I changed just one line and it sank to Number 7 out of the 14! The line was about the poet's intentions!

I am guessing people don't like seriously depressing dark poetry! It was a very quick sketch,free verse almost, so I don't mind too much - I just find poetry and personal taste intriguing!

What do you think?

My Sad Depressing Poem Submission






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In addition to tastes, I think mood plays a huge part in sad poetry as well. Since it is a means of personal expression (And I do stress personal)-Poetry written or read in moments of despair affects us in an entirely different way than when we are happy and uplifted. Poetry can be an expression of our mood, but it can also impact our moods just as easily!


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I am giving a high school graduation present to young man that I changed his diapers from birth as a family friend. I kept his first pair of black cleats (from 5 yr old) to his last pair of white custom soccer/football Nike's (size 12) and I am putting them in a shadow box for him to have as a gift. I want to add a personal poem in the shadow box with both pair of shoes but don't know how to write. Can you help clean up my thoughts and structure with suggestions? THANKS FROM BOY TO MAN From black to white and all colors in between spring, summer, fall.... We covered the feet of an athlete who always gave his all. Mud, dew from the early morning grass and dusty heat of the Texas summers covered us... The feet we protected each season gave us reason to be proud. We kicked the ball, we tackled, we stole a base, we stopped on a dime, we gripped the grass and the turf While the kid made his name known to all. From league all-star to all-district, to State and National Champion We were part of the boy, his dreams who became a man among the great teams. Go forth young man with your future plans and remember that we were there when you got started. We are the part of the legacy of greatness, the passion and for the love of the game. We survived and Rxxx Mxxxx made his name.

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Forgive me for not getting back on this sooner! (Moving has taken much of my time this month)
I looked over your poem and restructured it just a bit into a rhythmic style. Feel free to use, change, or discard the comments!
Angela

From Boy to Man
From black to white and colors between
in spring, in summer, and fall
We covered the feet of an athlete;
the one who gave his all.

Through early Texas mornings
in mud, in dust, and dew
We gave our heart each season;
our pride in him just grew.

As he reached for greatness
he kicked, he tackled, he raced.
We gave our all to be a part
Of the dream he chased.

His legacy grew, he was the champ
In city, in state, in nation.
Our all-star became great among teams
our pride grew to elation.

Now as a man, look to your beginnings
Your passion, your greatness, and love
We gave you your wings on which you flew;
Rxx Mxxx, your name rings from above.


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Last edited by CherylAnnHunter; 06/26/09 05:41 PM.
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Hiya Cheryl! Congrats on "taking the plunge"- I can tell you have rolled up your sleeves and are working hard smile

I have to ask you-- is this poem about your desire to write and the risk taking involved? this is beautifully symbolic on multiple levels.. I have reread it multiple times and each time, a new meaning and a new picture forms. Its wonderfully layered! I'd be interested in hearing other readers perspectives as well- I'm touched.


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