BellaOnline Forums Relationships Relationships Funeral but no Friend

I'm new to this board and need some advice. I'm 43 and an only child. My father passed away 4/8/09. It was one of the most horrible experiences of my life. I have had a "best" friend since the 6th grade - let's call her "N". After my father passed away, N was one of the first people I called. N lives 2000 miles away and has two children 5 and 8. My father's funeral was set for 4/11, the Saturday before Easter. As I've said - N and I have been best friends forever. We were in each others weddings. I have bought b-day presents for her children and N and I have been as close as sisters for all of these years. BTW N has a husband and her mom and dad live close to her. All of these people are 100% capable of watching the kids. When I told N that the funeral was set for Saturday the 11th - she responded as follows: The plane tickets are really expensive and I will have to come out late Friday night and leave right after the service on Saturday (the service was from 10 - 12 with the visitation) because the Easter Bunny comes Sunday. At the time she said this to me I was still in shock from the my dad's recent death so I calmly and graciously told her not to trouble herself. I would be so busy with relatives and friends that I probably wouldn't get a chance to talk to her very much. Now that I've had time to think about her insensitivity I am BEYOND ANGRY!!!! I'd love some level headed advice. As you can imagine - I'm not thinking very clearly right now and what I would really love to do is tell her off but I think she is so wrapped up in herself and her kids that she won't even get it. Thanks for your time!

((CfinKC))
So sorry about your Dad, losing a beloved parent is SO hard to deal with.
But please cut your friend some slack. Her family is the most important thing in her life as long as her kids are small, and that is as it should be. You don't know for sure if their finances could cope with an expensive airline ticket, or what family plans for Easter they had already set up; Easter with kids is usually a Big Deal. Your Dad's death is huge for you, but while she probably felt bad for you, as a mother of 2 she has higher things on her priority list right now than going to a distant funeral.

Life treats the best of friends in different ways as the years go by, and we are not always on the same wavelengths as we were when we were both schoolgirls. And I have noticed that those who have not yet lost a loved one do not know how devastating that can be, so they can't be expected to "get it".

The best thing you can do for yourself right now is to realize that you are grieving, and it is perfectly natural to lash out because you feel SO bad. Take care of yourself, give yourself permission to wallow in sorrow for as long as you need to, and it can take a long time. But if you ever valued the friendship, don't do anything to sever it now. Maybe after a few months you might feel better about contacting her again, and telling her how much you wished that she could have been with you at that difficult time.

I'm glad that you wrote about this here, this is a good group of people and I'm sure that you will find help and true sympathy from us all.
Hugs and best wishes from someone who has been where you are now.

Dear CF, It has been 25 years for me. From experience I can tell you that the pain of the loss does lessen. It will get better.

I would like to tell you that your friendship with your 'best friend' will be more of a help to you now, and in the months and years to come, then it would have been at the funeral. The personal quiet phone calls, and other little things you will share will be things that will help you get through the rough spots. So don't so anything to end that frienship now.

I have a sister-in-law who did not attend her own mother's funeral, - partly because of the expense of the trip similar to what you've described, but also because she couldn't handle it emotionally. Everyone just had to accept that. And you have to accept that your friend had reasons.

Deal with your grief in the manner that you need to, but don't lose a friend because of it.

Claybird is correct, there are lots of thoughts and prayers coming your way. GrannyH