BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Never wanted kids...almost 41 and panicking

Aw Jillster, I'm sorry you feel so flustered and confused. For the past 4 years, I have felt the same. Going back and forth on my decision. Not knowing exactly why. Until recently, I have come to a final decision that I don't want children. And I certainly don't want them after 30, which is well on it's way come August. I hope you work out your feelings soon. Wish you all the best :)

Hi Jellyroll ~ I am still waffling on my decision. Glad to know I am not the only one. My friend had a good point - postpone the appt and think about it for about 6 months. You can always have a vasectomy, but you can't always reverse it. I have given myself til Monday morning to commit or not. And if I am not 100% sure then I'll cancel the appt and give it some time. I just hate that I am analyzing this thing to death, but can't help but feel I should postpone and give it time/thought. Thank you for your support.

Well, I've given myself the deadline of Monday morning to make a decision. I hate that I am analyzing this to death. I remembered I had made a pact with myself a few years back that once I was 42 I would do a permanent method. Maybe I should stick with that. It's only 1 year away. I just want to be 100% sure I am making the right decision - maybe that is unrealistic. I am so sick of worrying about this, but I can't seem to stop. ugh!

Hi jillster,

I've been out for a few weeks, so just saw this thread.

I'm one of the moms that pops on here from time to time and tries to give the view from "the other side".

I honestly think it is just the "permanent" that has you in such a panic. If you have been happy this long without children, and had never planned on having any - nor ever really felt the pull to have any; I think it is the fear of not having the option anymore that is scaring you so badly.

Even when you talk about making this decision, you are not actually mentioning the fact that you might want a baby - but that you might want to have the option to have a baby. (Does that distinction make sense?)

I have 2 children w/ my first husband, then divorced and remarried and had a 3rd child with my current husband. Even though my oldest son has Asperger's (a type of Autism) I am very maternal - and babies especially bring the mothering out in me. But my last son nearly destroyed my kidneys and I went through horrible post-partum depression, and I wound up needing a hysterectomy a year later. I knew intellectually that I could not have any more children anyway, my husband had already had a vasectomy 1 month after our son was born because my OB said getting pregnant again would be very dangerous for me. But losing my uterus and ovaries was like the nail in the coffin for me. I mourned my "womanhood".

Even though I knew I couldn't have any more children (or I should say shouldn't), I still had the ability to. But losing that option was what really hit home with me.

Hi Michelle ~ Just had dinner with a couple (good friends who have 2 biological children and 1 adopted). We quizzed them on their perspective. It has given us a lot to think about - probably me more than my husband. There is a small part of me that wants a child. I realize that I need time to really figure out what I am going through - to be clear on what our future will be. Once the door is closed, it is closed. So, we are going to postpone the appt for now. I will graduate from nursing school in December at 41 and I feel like i am finally starting a new chapter in my life - something I should have done at 24. I feel young and never thought of age as a factor in making life decisions, but it is. Maybe I just surpressed these feelings for so long b/c I felt young and I had time. Maybe I don't want kids afterall. But I do know that I need more time to sort this out. And that is ok!

Hi all! My anxiety went through the roof yesterday. Talked with my husband. He feels we should cancel the appt - let me get thru summer and graduate from school - and then we will discuss this in January. I feel so angry with myself that I can't make a frickin decision w/out analyzing it to death - maybe that is the lesson to be learned here. So, going to call the dr. to cancel the appt. Thank you everyone for your support!

So, I cancelled the appt today. I feel good that I did, but I realize that my "freaking out" was b/c of a lot of issues. I don't want kids, but the finality/loss of control scared me to death. So, I am going to work on these issues, give myself some time to grow and go from there.

I have had an IUD for 5 years now, it works pretty well. Maybe it maybe a route you can take for the meantime. It works for 10 years. My husband had his vasectomy and now I am just wating for his tests to confirm we are okay for me to take it out. Otherwise I would have stuck with it

I also have one (IUD), it is almost as safe as an irreversible sterilization and you don't ever have to think about birth control again. Taking the pill is a pain, you are taking hormones everyday and if you forget, security is compromised. I can recommend IUDs . I understand that surgery is not for everybody, no matter how simple.

Andso? and Solalux - thank you for the info on IUDs. I had considered that too. You know, I feel so stupid right now. Since I cancelled the appt I feel much calmer and now wish he still had the appt. Really not sure what is wrong with me. I still feel really stupid that I reacted the way I did. I can't even explain why I panicked the way I did. I still feel all anxious & weird, but better b/c the appt is cancelled. Yet, I know I don't want kids. Apparently, there is something I am supposed to work through before we "finalize" things. So, I am going to devote time this summer (before school starts back up) to try to work on these issues - what exactly they are I don't know. I just feel so embarassed.