BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage need advice about my husbands malicious ex wife

My husband and I have been married for two years, we have a 7 month old, I have a 9 year old, and he has a 4 year old with his ex. In order for you to understand this dilema I need to start at the beginning. My husband and his ex were on the brink of divorce when she got pregnant to "save their marriage". He toughed it out for 8 months after their daughter was born, but then they mutually agreed to seperate. here are the details. My husband is bi-polar and was diagnosed when he was 20 years old. she knew about this when she married him when they brought their child home from the hospital she refused to let anyone hold her except for herself, not even the father, my now husband. she locked herself in the babies room, and kept a "schedule" that was opposite of my husbands limiting their time together, soon after that my husband found out that she had not been paying their mortgage, and had run up over 500,ooo dollars in debt. He took two more jobs, trying to catch things up, and rarely saw his daughter. *after 8 months of this he lost his primary job, couldn't get caught up. went off his meds for his bi polar cause he couldn't afford them anymore, and they seperated. she filed for divorce two weeks later, and while he was trying to get help, she convinced him to sign the divorce decree that gave her sole custody of the child and gave him two hours a month of visitation supervised by her. We are trying to fight in court for joint custody, but are having to represent ourselves because we can't afford an attorney. she takes over 8oo dollars a month out of his pay checks, and we have house payments, babies, etc. I work in the auto industry to you can imagine that money isn't exactly rolling in right now. Here is the worst part. There is something wrong with their little girl. She is 4 can't tell you how old she is , can't talk so people can understand her, and can't tell you her name or how old she is. The ex says she has a minor speech delay, and is doing nothing about it. I am so concearned about this little girl, but what can I do? The ex wife sends my husbands ex girlfriends to watch us during our now unsupervised 2 hour visits, she has befriended every one of his exgirlfriends. I guess they have a hate Terry club. She refuses to let my husband talk to his daughter on the phone. ever... We don't know what to do. I want to yell and scream at her, but that won't do anything but make things worse. I am desperate for any advice. Please help!

I know I don't knowyou, but it sounds like the 2 best things that you can do is 1. Leave it totally up to your man,it is his place to put his ex in her place. Just support him. And 2 get someone who will listen to take the little 4 year old to the doctor and check for autism. I feel for you and Good Luck

Hi, I'm glad you posted your issue. Honestly Cantesuta has a good point about letting your husband deal with this issue.

You entering into this battle is not going to help your marriage at all, trust me on this one. You must try to detach yourself from this and concentrate on your marriage.

800 a month child support is not that bad, and it is not likely that getting joint custody is going to help, IF you can get joint custody. Not only that court can take years and years to get through and meanwhile you will have to deal with the status quo.

As unfair as it may be, you and your husband will have to find ways to make more money and get better jobs and focus on forming a good relationship with the child. I know it is not easy, but your getting to involved in this will not pay off for you.

Child support is based on a guideline and is very difficult to adjust. If your husband has had a huge cut in pay due to no fault of his own, he should be able to file for a temporary reduction, which is way more likely than getting joint custody. Also do not believe that joint custody means no child support, it does not. Your husband, unless HE has custody will have to pay support and the chances are slim to none that he can get custody especially as a diagnosed bipolar, it won't matter that she knew, it just likely will not happen.

I am so sorry and I hope you post again, I want to know what is happening with you.

I also totally agree with letting your husband handle his ex-wife. That's HIS ex-wife and you really have to take a backseat. I was in a situation very similar to your except it was the ex-wife who was bi-polar and her daughter lived with us. She caused a lot of problems & I wish whenever she called, I simply let my (now ex) husband pick up the phone.

The best thing you can do is support your husband through all of this. Sorry, I don't have anything better to offer.

You're right about yelling and screaming at her. As frustrating as this situation is, you have to employ smart strategies here.

First of all, a bi-polar ex will have a hard time gaining custody of a child, especially when there is proof that he goes off and on his medication routine, no matter what the reason. Fighting in court will be costly for both sides to no avail.

The daughter is nearing school age. Does she go to preschool? The school system has good resources for testing, diagnosing and treating speech delays. If there is reason to suspect other problems, such as developmental delays, they will refer and/or provides services for your ex's daughter. If she is not in school, she can receive help from a regional developmental disabilities center who has programs for early intervention. But her doctor needs to refer her. It is not uncommon for parents to avoid seeking help though. And speech delay alone isn't enough for Social Services to get involved.

Does the girl show any other signs of problems? Does she seem developmentally delayed in areas other than speech?

In any case, the more you or your ex show signs of anger and aggression toward the ex, you are providing proof of an angry home environment which is unhealthy for a child.

I'm not saying this woman is innocent. She could be a fine mother or an unfit mother. It is clear, however, that she is keeping the child away from her father. And that isn't good.

Child alienation is common in divorce situations. Stephanie, the divorce editor, has a ton of info about that. This really isn't a "marriage" situation. It is a "divorce" situation. Maybe you can post in and read the divorce forum for help from wives who are dealing with ex wives!

This isn't causing marital problems, per se, is it?

Remember to strengthen your marriage by keeping on the same side. Help your spouse keep calm, take his meds and keep emotionally and physically healthy. Do the same for yourself. Create a strong, safe, stable and happy home environment.

The burdens of having an ex and a child to support are problems in a marriage, but you knew that going into this marriage so it is something you have to accept. No use complaining about it now. You took the bad with the good when you married this man with a previous marriage and child.

Play it smart and start to develop a good relationship with the ex. It won't be easy but stop blaming or pointing fingers. Don't give her any reason to hate you or distrust you. If you do, she'll fight to her death before she shares custody of her daughter with you. You also don't know what happened between them when he didn't take his meds. She might have good reason to protect her daughter. Bipolar people can't control their anger or depression sometimes.

The best way is to get each other to understand that you all share one common bond: the little girl's best interest. Maybe she isn't being the best mother in the world, but between the three of you, you all should be able to provide the child with good care.

The wars between exes must end. You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar.

I've known cases when the exes learned to get along and they began to share custody and even willing GIVE UP custody to their exes! Be kind. Win her over. Help the little girl together.