BellaOnline Forums Relationships Dating How/when do I tell him I've been married before?

Hi all...I have been seeing the most WONDERFUL guy since mid-March, and everything about the relationship is just wonderful...I wouldn't change a thing...which is a huge change for me. In the past, I've tended to date guys who are clearly not right for me, and in 2007 I married one. The marriage did NOT last long at all, primarily because he thought he could make me change my mind about having children (I don't want any...EVER). We divorced only a few months after we married, and then about 6 months after the divorce, I met this new guy. He was raised Catholic, but isn't particularly religious, and my first marriage was a Protestant ceremony, which I'm told "doesn't count" to Catholics anyway. My big question, though, is WHEN and HOW to do I tell him I'm a divorcee? This is something about me that I feel he has a right to know, but I'm just at a total loss as to when to bring it up...it never seems to be the "right" time, and just bringing it up out of the clear blue seems, well, weird. Any thoughts? I know full well that this COULD make a difference in whether or not he wants to continue a relationship with me, but I seriously don't think that he'd end things over this...but he still needs to know. Thank you!

OH, and by the way, I already know that my guy (a) does not want kids either...EVER, and (b) wants to stay here in the South, which is what I want too.

A good relationship must begin with honesty and openness. By not telling him, he may feel you have been dishonest with him. You also need to let him know up front that you do not ever want children. He needs to know these things. If he turns from you because of this, then he is not the right man for you. I would say something like, "You know, we seem to be getting closer each day and you mean a lot to me, so there is something I need to tell you....." Just be open and honest up front, because the longer you take to tell him, the more difficult it will be - for both of you.

I'm in agreement with Phyllis. It's best not to put off a discussion like this. Take a deep breath and just tell him. Or write it in an email or letter. I think he would probably have more of an issue with you're not telling him than he would with the fact that you've been married before.

You are right. I have procrastinated long enough. I'm going to tell him tonight...I don't know how I'm going to bring it up, but I really must bite the bullet. I don't want either of us to ever perceive that one is "keeping secrets" from the other. My reluctance to tell him is not because I don't WANT to tell him or that I want to keep it a secret...it is just because it is so very awkward to talk about. I'll let you all know how it goes. Please send positive thoughts my way. :-)

Goog luck to you. The easiest way to say something is to just say it. Once it is said, you will be surprised how much better you feel.

Tell him you have been married, and it turned out that you were NOT happy, and so you divorced, which was sad (not the divorce itself, but the fact that the relationship did not work), a sad experience - - but now you are happy with him (your new love, your friend), and you are happy THAT you are happy with him, and you are happy to have met him - because he's such a wonderful man, and you love him so much, and you love this-and-that (whatever you love) about him. - And so on.

Why are you afraid of you telling him you have been married? If he is really into you, the fact that you got divorced would not matter. It should not big of a deal when everybody gets divorced once in his or her life time in the United States.

Not everyone gets divorced at least once in their life - My parents just celebrated their 40th wedding anniversary together and my grandparents their 68th!

I think she is more worried about how to bring it up. It is one of those little awkward conversation pieces. "Oh, I really enjoyed the movie. This sushi is fantastic! By the way I got divorced 5 years ago...." It's not something you easily throw into a conversation, but then again trying to plan a conversation around it gives the topic more weight and importance than you want to give it.

Maybe you could just be that blunt about it. Tell him that you don't give that relationship that much importance in your life anymore, but you do give this relationship importance, and that you felt that to keep anything that big buried might keep this realtionship from going as far as it could go. Neither of you know right now what the future holds - but you do have the benefit of learning from your past, so you would like to go ahead and set that out of the way.

Good luck!

PS: if you have not told him yet, it is past time you do. How do you think he would feel if someone else told him before you did?

I hope all is working out well for you both. Take care and be happy.