BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids In-laws!!!

Hi Martinez-

Please ignore what MindyBaby said...I can't for the life of me imagine why she felt a need to join this topic at all!

Someone in another thread, I forgot which one, wrote once she was fascinated by this forum because she had been 7 years with her husband before having children and she had never felt any pressure or even felt questioned. I was a little skeptical, but whatever.
But now I realize she might have not felt the pressure because she never had to say the magic words: "I don't want to have children". Maybe if you want them and take for granted that you will have them some day, you are OK with the comments, maybe you don't even hear them.
But if you say the words, someone will come with the "you will change your mind and it will be great" mantra. Even here.

I agree, Solalux. I used to think I was just lucky in knowing really polite people, but then it occurred to me that, if they actually give it any thought at all, people I know will just assume I'll have children because I quite like them and have never actually said "I don't want to have children". I have had a couple of virtual strangers (at an evening class) say stuff (some people just can't seem to help themselves), but otherwise not really. I'm also 30, so to not have children yet at my age is not all that unusual. I expect, like having an MIL that wants grandkids, these comments are something I can look forward too in the future. :-) Incidentally and completely off the original topic, I looked at the infertility forum, searching for stuff about endometriosis. There was a large thread there about how to deal with peoples' insensitive comments and pressure. It seems that whatever reproductive choice you make, people will do this to you.

I also read somewhere this post by a woman with child who had fertility problems and could not get pregnant again. Well, people kept asking her when she was going to give his son a little brother and sister. They even asked the kid if he would like one!!! She really wanted a second child, so dealing with the questions was really painful.
I also read about this couple who couldn't have children naturally and didn't want to go further. Well, they kept being pestered about in vitro and adoptions.
I have one child and I don't want a second. I am regularly (at least once a month, and almost always by not that close people) preached about or at least reminded of, how good it would be for him to have a sibling. And it hurts, because it might (just might, I'm not that sure) be true, it might be good for him, but definitively not for me.
Of course before that, I had to deal over thirty years with the "you will change your mind", "it would be the best thing that happen to you"
So I guess when it comes to reproductive issues, there are a lot of people ready to not mind their own business, which is funny because it is really personal. People don't go about suggesting people they barely know to change neighborhoods or take a second job. But when it comes to women's bodies everybody has a say.

Holles, I was just reading your post... I thought it was incredible what happened?

realized i was just feeling sorry for myself and made the whole post about me. don't want to do that. thanks though. i had a rotten day and a rotten week. can't wait for it to be over.

Sorry, I am glad I caught it before you deleted it tho' it was soo perfect for me, and that very precise moment

Wow Martinez, I can so relate to you. Coming from a big Hispanic family myself, I am all too familiar with the pressures of having a baby. It's gotten to the point where I just flat out tell people to stop asking because it ain't gonna happen. Since my husband and I got together, I have been asking myself the same questions. "Am I normal for not wanting a baby?" "Will I regret my decision?" "What's wrong with me?" But in all honesty, I know deep down inside, there really isn't anything wrong with me. I just have the strength and willpower to make my own decisions in life and stick with 'em. Almost all the women I know who tell me I should have a baby either had their children by accident, or tried to trap their boyfriends. And their lives are a complete mess afterwards. I sure as hell don't want to live that way. Basically what it comes down to is this, you have to live your own life and not feel sorry for your own decisions. Let people know exactly what you want and don't be apologetic for it. They don't give birth for you, raise your child, hand over money when needed, etc. So why should they have any say in the matter? The problem with your mother in law must to be straightened out by your husband. It's his place to do so, not yours. Now, you can either ignore her, or talk to him about putting her in her place. But with the power she has over her family, and her being mentally unstable, you're probably just better off ignoring her. Just avoid her when you can. That would be my suggestion. I hope this situation gets better over time. But remember, you don't ever have to explain yourself to anyone. If they don't like it, then they're not worth your time.

Jellyroll, I'm feeling comfortable with my decision to not have children now that I know that there are many, many, many women that do not want kids. I've read the "I hate being a mom" post and it is soooo sad. It showed me that I shoud never ever let someone pressure me into to making such a huge decision. I'm starting to feel less and less strange or abnormal and I'm feeling more like I am very responsible and logical for choosing to be childfree. I'm not going to let my mother-in-law ruin my marriage. Her opinion really doesn't matter to me anymore on this issue. I just tend to let people get to me. I'm going to take this as a lesson in self control. I love this forum. Thanks everyone.

Greetings forum members -

I wanted to apologize for the inappropriate post made by MindyBaby. I have removed the hurtful comment so that it does not upset anyone coming fresh to this discussion. I also removed it from the two quoted messages again to keep any hurt feelings from occurring. The two people who quoted her statement were completely justified in being upset, and I want to make it clear that I did not edit THEIR statements at all - I only removed MindyBaby's initial post from their responses so that the statement did not end up perpetuating.

I also wanted to thank you all for handling the situation so serenely. I know it can be a great trial to deal with non-understanding people and that this forum should be your "protective island of safety" from that sort of comment. I have made sure that all editors are aware of our philosophy and have published our Forum Statement of Purpose here -

BellaOnline Forum Statement of Purpose

Please feel free to use the contact form linked to on that page if you have any suggestions or comments on that page. I rarely visit the forums in this account so I would not get PMs promptly, but I do get that contact form email immediately.

Again thank you for your understanding, and I apologize again for the upset that the post caused.