This is going to be long and choppy but if you can bear with me, I could really use advice!
I am a 21 year old female. I have been out on my own for over two years now. I've never been fired from a job; I've been employed since I was 15 years old.
My grandpa grew up during the Great Depression and is extremely frugal with money; it rubbed off on my mom. In high school when I was living with her still, if I came home from the mall with a couple of comics, she would drill me about how much I spent and how I should be saving my money. Let me reiterate, my money.
I listened to her worries about money and promised her I wouldn't sink myself into debt or get into financial trouble when I went out on my own. And I haven't.
My mom and step dad pay for my cell phone - which costs them $10 to have me on the policy. Also, whenever I have a problem with my '93 Grand Am, they pay half for repairs. I am extremely grateful for this, but it's not like I cannot afford it myself - I have just accepted these things as my mom genuinely wanting to help me out since I am working and going to school full time.
Recently I was visiting my mom and she was helping me file taxes. She, once again, was drilling me about how much I had on my credit card. At the time I had about $3,000 in debt on that credit card. I really don't think it's any of her business and I told her this in the past several times. However she kept pressuring me to tell her. After I told her she kept bringing it up. She brought it up while we were doing taxes and I broke down and started crying, simply venting to her that it could be overwhelming at times to realize I have such debt ($3000 on the credit card at the time, $4500 in student loans thus far, and $3500+ for braces I'm paying for out of pocket - she gave me $830 towards the braces). I did tell her I was doing fine paying on these things however.
Here's the deal. Recently I have been fighting with my mom over money. When I found out that my car had a problem that would cost $200+ to fix (I've had this car since my junior year of high school and it's a '93) I told her it would be wise for me to sell the car as a parts-car and use the money towards a new one. By "new" I really mean a used one, but nicer - maybe around $4,000 that I would take out a loan for. I don't want to keep putting money into a car that's so old and having problems. She yelled at me for suggesting such a thing, and told me she thinks I should get a car around $1200. I don't agree given I would probably have to pay hundreds of dollars when that hypothetical car started having age related problems as well.
In any case I caved in and spent the $200+ to fix my old car. I told my mom to please not help me out with the expenditure, I could handle it myself. I cited the example of when my Chihuahua had a severe allergic reaction which added up to $250+ in vet bills - I took care of this straight away with money I had saved away in my checking account and didn't hurt a bit from it. She kept saying she wanted to help, and that if I didn't let her pay for half of the car expense she was going to pay my car insurance bill instead (my car insurance is under my step-dad's name, so although I pay for my own insurance they have access to my policy). So, once again, I gave into her pressuring and accepted the check.
Again today we had an argument about money. This time it was over the cell phone. I want to sign onto a plan with my boyfriend of 6+ years, which would cost me $70 a month. It may sound silly but he and my roommates have the Sprint Samsung Instinct and just adore it - I don't have anything too fancy in my life (I drive a '93, live in a 1970s trailer that was free except the lot rent, don't troll the mall, go to the spa or salon, I can cite more...), so I was excited about having this phone. Even if I have a $70 per month policy, I can still save money each month after bills and necessities. This summer I'm planning on working my butt off working 40 hours a week to earn money to pay off debt and earn for college.
I called my mom, asking when she could take me off her cell phone policy. Inevitably, she asked about what I was planning on doing for a phone. I told her honestly and she said "Well check into it more and then we'll talk about it, it's ridiculous to spend around $60 a month on a phone and I don't see why you'd want to." I stood my ground and told her, no, just please take me off the policy. She proceeded to give me a guilt trip, stating it 'hurt her feelings' that, here she was, helping me out financially, and I turn around and rack up more expenses. She stated it "defeated the purpose".
This genuinely hurts MY feelings. She had already twisted around my vent session regarding debt into me saying I can't "afford anything". Now she is giving me a guilt trip and is saying I'm 'wasting' her financial help. Thanks to tax money and cashed in stock money, I have paid a significant amount on both my credit card and my braces (credit card is down to $1000; braces are down to $2000). Also, my car insurance has gone down a lot thanks to turning 21. I created a faux budget to make sure I could still afford the $70 a month phone policy when I reduce my hours in the fall and winter to make way for college classes. I can, with money to spare.
I am frustrated to tears because I feel I have shown I am fiscally responsible and just responsible in general. Anything she helps me out with financially is because she forces me to accept it, NOT because I ask for/need the help. I'm feeling as though this is her way of trying to control me... either that or she's jealous. She had me at age 19, and never got to experience college life. Also I have more expendible income than her - I obviously don't have a family, mortgage, and whatnot. Mainly I feel she may be jealous that I possess a mentality that allows me to be, to an extent, frivolous with money at times (in the summer I tend to spend a lot and then my wallet clams up for the fall winter and spring!) whereas she feels the need to pinch pennies.
I think its wrong and almost sick that my mom will tell me she owes it to me to help out financially and then will turn it around as if I NEED her help when it comes down to me wanting to buy something she feels is unnecessary.
I'm 21 years old. I have never asked anyone for help financially - I really can handle it on my own. I'm trying to get my own car insurance policy and my own cell phone policy so I have nothing under her name anymore. In addition I have made plans to never discuss my car with her again.
I'm dreading calling her back about the cell phone because I think it will just be a nasty conversation. I'm sick and tired of her feeling entitled over how I spend my money.
I need an opinion on how to go about this, what I should say, or maybe even just a fresh perspective on the situation. Ever since I got my own job and started spending my own money, my mom has been a control freak about it. It's so hard to try and become an adult when she wields this control over me.
Last edited by Michelle Jean; 05/08/09 02:24 AM.
