BellaOnline Forums Family Early Childhood Help! Bedtime is crazy!!

I am a single mom of a 4 yr old and a 6 yr old. I have the hardest time getting them to go to bed every night. What really annoys me the most is a game my 6 yr old plays with me. He will tell me he wants a kiss and hug,and when I go to give him one, he will cover his face and say he doesn't want one. Then, when I leave the room he will get up, say he wants a kiss and hug and do the same thing!! We will repeat this cycle about 6 or 7 times evey night. Why is he doing this? How can I stop it? It is driving me crazy. Also, does anyone have any advice on how to get them to go to bed when I say it is time to go to bed? They will cry, fuss, and stall me by saying they are hungry or whatever. Please help. The only time I really get to myself is when the kids go to bed. I am tired of fighting with them every night.

Change the clocks so they think it is later than it is... and start putting them down earlier.

I'm kind of joking, but I have actually done that before when I know my children needed sleep but were paying attention to the time.

I just went to a parenting lecture tonight and one of the suggestions was to talk about the night time routine during the day when everyone is happy and awake.

You can set up a system with them where they can earn stars for a peaceful bedtime, for staying in their beds, etc.... and they can earn time with you, skipping a chore for a day - simple, inexpensive things that will mean a lot.

Or, what about a nighttime check list where - if they come out asking for water every night - you make sure they get it before they get into bed. I know my three year old wants me to lay with him every night so I start his bed time earlier so I'll have time to lay with him... the time it takes to do that is less than the time it takes arguing with him about it being bed time.

On rare occasions, I will tell my children it is 8:00 and I am off the clock. They are going to have to pay me if they come out of their room and need something. I am joking with them but I am trying to get the message across that I need my time too and this is the little time that I have.... especially if I still have dishes to do or whatnot.

Actually, the off the clock is not a bad idea. My 6 yr old has been learning about money in school and he knows the value of some money. I am wondering if it would help if I tell them that they will earn a quarter a day for good behavior. If they misbehave, I will take the quarter away. But, I have to wonder if this will send the wrong message or spoil them. I don't to have 'pay' my children to go to bed but I have to figure out something. This is driving me nuts every night. Not only that, they fuss & fight all the time. I have it rough sometimes.

Tonight, my husband had to put everyone to bed for the second night in a row. This morning, he was still so stressed from the night before that he ate ice cream for breakfast.

We have four children on, basically, four different routines and I know it can be tough! I think if you are trying to get them back onto a routine, incentives can be helpful. If you are leery about using money - use other types of incentives - get to pick out dinner, ice cream treat, skip a bath one night, etc.

If your 6-year old is into money, than earning a quarter might be really inspiring. You can frame it as 'being helpful' which could mean being a first time listener (I was making my two older boys pay me a dollar if I had to ask them to do something twice), helping set the table, having a bed time without problems.

Make sure you are doing the same bed time routine every night, so they know what to expect. You can also try a relaxation CD with visualizations or music when you leave the room and maybe that will keep them in their beds.

You can fill a small jar - one for each of them - with marbles... take out a marble if there are problems... or if you want to focus on the positive, put in a marble for good behavior... the marbles can translate to computer time, when they get to a certain amount - they earn some pre-determined item... etc.

just remember this... it will pass

Lisa,

I'm so glad you are participating here, but I have to respectfully disagree with you about incentives -- I think luv my cat's hesitation is a valuable instinct. I'm not a fan of behavior modification through incentives, especially money. I think it teaches children in the long run that they should only do something if they will *get something* for it - especially for something that is an expectation -- like going to bed, or doing homework or brushing teeth, etc. It starts to create funny problems too, like, not being able to get your kid something they want just because you want to, because they didn't *do anything* to *earn* it.

LMC, this is no *easy* answer to this sort of thing, in my opinion. Advice that says do this or do that is sometimes oversimplistic, especially because kids' behavior is often a moving target, so to speak. Just when you've got something settled, it stops working. The only thing I would suggest is be proactive, be reasoned and be firm.

If you know what their stalling tactics are likely to be, be clear about them. At dinner, let them know that this will be the last meal of the day until morning, so eat as much as they need to be full until bedtime. Of, if they really do need more food right before bed, then PLAN for a healthy bedtime snack right before brushing teeth. Sometimes a list of things they need to do for their bedtime routine can be helpful. They like checking off the boxes for the steps each night (although I'd stop short of offering a prize for doing them -- just checking stuff off in itself is fun at those ages).

As far as the kissing thing -- I'd just be firm. Something like "I think you want to give mommy a kiss, but changing your mind over and over isn't working for me, so this is your chance. If you don't want to do it now, I won't be coming back in again. If you come out, I'm not going to say anything, but will bring you back to your bed and go." I know it's hard because it's *kissing!!* for goodness sakes. But if it wasn't that, it would be a drink of water, or a blanket on and off, etc. I get this stuff with my 6 year old daughter too. Even my two year old is pulling this on us already.

I think the bigger lesson in our experience is that it isn't going to get them anywhere. It may take 2 or 3 times of the "now or never" lesson, or it may take 20, and it may repeat again after intervals. But it will eventually sink in. They're messing with us, and that's not cool. Let him know that you actually really WANT to kiss him goodnight, but that the way he is choosing to treat you about it not appreciated, and not ok. And moreover, it's not going to work.

A couple books I'd recommend to you on the incentive and the overall behavior topics that I really like are "How to Talk to Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk" by Faber/Maizlich and "Punished by Rewards" by Alfie Kohn.

Let us know how things go.... hang in there. Single moms get so much admiration from me. I think I might go just batty if I couldn't call in my husband as a relief arm when they are making me nutty. And I am SO with you on the need for an early bedtime. If I'm not off the clock (thanks for that, Lisa) by 8:30 or so, so that I have several hours to myself, I start to come slowly (sometimes quickly) unglued.

Nicki

Nicki -

I do *not* disagree with what you said. Incentives are not the number one "tool" in my box, but I have used them temporarily and have had great success with them. I have four young children - closely spaced - and sometimes I do use bribery/incentives/etc.... things I thought I'd never use. (My favorite book is "I Was a Better Parent Before I Had Children)

I used to work with abused/neglected children in residential treatment and was a 'house parent' for days at a time. I've seen every trick in the book - both from the children's and the adult's side.

I think the only absolutes are (which I think Nicki said also) - As soon as you figure it out, it's going to change. What worked today will not work tomorrow. Routine and rhythms are good things.. but they change.

I do believe - if used correctly and minimally - that incentives can be fun (and we have fun in real life), can offer rewards (and we do get rewards in our real life jobs, only they look like promotions, increased salaries or even just a pat on the back) and can help a child learn a rhythm that you want him/her to learn as well as set up steps toward a certain goal (which our life coaches encourage us to reward those little steps in our own lives too).

We use a lot of charts in my house for organizational purposes. The fun IS in the marking it off or hanging up the velcroed "X". If I didn't have them doing charts, I wouldn't know who was supposed to do what next. It helps them feel independently responsible by looking at their own chart to see what they should do next... and it magically fades away when they have it down on their own.