BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids In-laws!!!

Hello everyone. So, I just found this forum after searching the internet for a few hours trying to find other women out there that don't want children. I really have felt alone in my views on children for a long time. It's got to the point that sometimes I feel that something is wrong with me or that I'm not a "real woman" since I don't want kids. My husband and I just celebrated our 1 year wedding aniversary this month. Marriage has been great so far. My husband and I have talked about the subject of children many times. He says that it's okay with him if we never have children but, when we first met he said he would probably want children one day. He knew I didn't want children ever. I think he thinks I will change my mind one day (like everyone else thinks). He says that it's never been a dream of his or anything. He actually didn't even want kids at all before. He says since he's getting older it has crossed his mind though. I think he feels like it's just part of life and what is supposed to happen rather than something he really has a desire to do. I don't feel like it will be an issue with our relationship though. The problem is his family. My husband is hispanic and his family is very traditional. After about 5-6 months of being together his mother started asking me when I'm going to get pregnant. She doesn't speak english very well so I can't explain to her that I don't want kids. It really started to get on my nerves that every time I saw her she would say "Baby, you need baby". So, I asked my husband if he could explain to her that I do not want any children. He said he couldn't because she would get upset. Just a few days ago my sister-in-law asked when we were gonna start trying for a baby. I told her that I don't want any kids ever. Her and her boyfriend were shocked and they said it's definitely because I'm too young to know what I want and I will change my mind of course. I'm a 22 (23 this year) year old adult, I think I'm old enough to know what I want for my life and what I feel inside. They asked why and I had to try to explain myself of course they didn't understand. Then my sister-in-law said something that was sooo upseting to me, "Oh my God! I can't believe this. Do not tell my mother because [b]all her hopes and dreams will be crushed[/b]!" This was extremely upseting to me!! Out of all the comments I've heard about me not wanting kids this was the most hurtful. I'm really worried about what will happen in the future when I still have not "produced a child for my mother-in-law". I cant't avoid her never ending inquiry. My husband is very close with his family and his mother calls him almost every day to see how he is doing (which is a whole other issue). What am I supposed to do. She overreacts on the smallest things and since this is her "hope and dream" I can't imagine what she will do. She'll probably demand my husband divorce me which he would not do. So I would probably just not be welcome around her. I don't want this to effect me so badly but I don't know what to do. Thanks for any advise. p.s. sorry for this post being so long.

Hello and welcome to the forum!

After reading your post, in my opinion there is one thing that you need to do- get your husband on YOUR side. You are sure you don't want children. He seems like he'd be okay without them. If his mother/family are going to put pressure on you, he needs to support you and be able to tell his mother the truth.

You said he told you he couldn't tell his mother because she waould get upset. Well, let her be upset! It's YOUR life! It seems to me that this is your only course of action.

What does your husband do when these hurtful comments are made?

Best of luck to you!

Martinez - - I tend to agree with on_a_roll here. The woman is going to have to get the message eventually that you DO NOT WANT KIDS. Upset her and get it over with.

Your husband should be in your corner on this also. His love for YOU should be foremost now, not his love for "mommy."

Best wishes.

p.s. The longer posts are usually more interesting.

"What does your husband do when these hurtful comments are made?" Well, he doesn't really do anything. She normally doesn't say the comments when he's right next to me or anything. It's usually when they have invited us over for dinner and there are a lot of other people there so everyone is talking and my husband isn't paying attention because he may be in a conversation with someone or in the other room. So it's never a conversation between all 3 of us. The problem with his mother is that she is crazy. It's not just because I'm the daughter-in-law that I'm saying that. Everyone knows she's crazy. She overreacts on everything! She will yell and scream and throw temper tantrums like a child. The first time I saw this side of her was at the annual Festival of the Arts that my city has. My husband, his mother, his father, his sister and me all went. They were excited because they had never been. when we got there all of a sudden his mother started yelling and screaming at his father right in the middle of the food court area. There were tons of people around. I was so embarrassed for him. So she had a major tantrum. She was speaking Spanish and so I couldn't understand all of what she was saying, but I could definitely understand that she was cussing my father-in-law out. Well, his father and mother left and I asked what was wrong. My husband told me that his mom was upset because she didn't want to be outside. It was a beautiful day in spring though. He said she thought she was going to be inside looking at art though. Nobody stands up to her to tell her that they are upset or disagree with her because they don't want to hear her. It's really like she is a spoiled child that gets what she wants because the parents don't want to hear the child cry. So everyone just blows what she says off because they don't want to deal with her. I guess I will have to learn to do that because it's very difficult to have a civil conversation with her if she disagrees with you. I'm really not kidding that she will be extremely upset with me if she find out I don't want children. My husband is her oldest son and the pride and joy of the family. To her I'm sure it would be a crime if he didn't reproduce. Hopefully my sister-in-law with stay with her latest boyfriend for a while and try to have kids soon. She's always wanted them. That could take the heat off of me for a while. thank you for the replies sorry again that this was so long

I just don't understand why 'in-laws' can't mind their own buisness. This is a very personal issue between you and your husband.

IMO you should get your tubes tied::: END OF SUBJECT !! AND avoid being around her, especially in private.

I was so fortunate that my MIL never ever questioned dh and I re: having kids

If this problem (mother -in -law) is not rectified it will start to drive a wedge between you and dh, and the wedge will drive you further and further apart.

I wish you luck. Please keep us posted. You can see from all the responses that we see your pain. Hopefully our "advice" will help.

People can be sooo ignorant and hurtful. Stand your ground and be proud of your decision to be childfree

Cream pie is right. It's none of their business. I think if you (and your husband) make your wishes known now, they'll have to deal with it one way or another. And, after telling them flat out that it's not going to happen, if they bring up the subject again, just change the subject. It works for me!

Thank you all for the responses. I need to not let my mother-in-law effect my marriage. I think I'm going to have to learn to just blow what she says off. It's not her life. Reading different posts on this forum is helping me realize that I shouldn't feel sorry or bad or let people bully me just because I don't want what they think I should want. Good news! I was out with my sister-in-law and some girlfriends of ours last night and the subject of children came up. All of us are in serious relationships so everyone was saying how many kids they want. I was asked and I said that I don't want any just dreading having to explain why and then no one understanding. I didn't have to explain. No one asked a single question about it. It was great.

Sounds like your MIL is a royal pain in the behind. Why is it okay for you to be upset by her comments, and those of SIL, but not for MIL to be upset by your perfectly justifiable desire to live your life as you want?

Could be, that if your husband tells her, she won't want to be around you, which could actually be a massive relief. I know I wouldn't want to spend time with a crazy lady like her!If you had children it would be even worse, there would be no avoiding her.

wow, i hate when people are hurtful to others esp when it comes to children. what if one of her kids wanted kids but was unable to have them for some particular reason? would she say the same awful things? probably. that's the really sad thing. that no matter what the reason, SHE wants grandchildren. she doesn't seem to care what YOU want. and it's YOUR body and YOUR life. i hate when people live vicariously through their kids and put pressure on them.

aggravating. i have no advice, but i just wanted to comment.

I had a Drama Queen mother in Law too once upon a time. Sooooo much Drama. She would call us from the UK and send us on guilt trips ALL THE TIME!!! one of those people that really calls the shots. Needless to say I refused to be out done..... long story cut short. By the time she died we were no longer on talking terms. I explained to her that I found it difficult to deal with her, and that if she wanted to talk she could do so with her son. Also because when I got married the choise was to be with her son and not her... I explained to my husband that he needed to deal with her, because I couldn't. Everytime she would call, I would very politely say, Hold on for X....before she could even say much. I guess we must all make choices for ourselves, and allowing other people ability to shout louder than us to get in the way of our lives can be imprisoning... you have a long life and marriage ahead of you....if you let her call the shots now... she will call them forever. If there is one thing you can bank on its that.Evidence is how people who have known her all thier lives are behaving. We don't have to belong in other peoples worlds... you have your own life to live.