BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Me= Ambivalent, Husband= [censored]! Advice???

Thank God I found this forum! I am in a bad situation in a big way. I always sort of assumed I'd have children but at 31, I'm still ambivalent - I have no biological or emotional desire. I can sort of see it happening down the road, but the problem is that my husband wants children and he wants to have them within a couple of years. I've told him that I can't guarantee I will feel more certain about it in that time frame. I've voiced my concerns but our attempts at discussion always turn nasty and I end up feeling judged, bullied, and berated. I understand my husband's frustration, but he initiates the topic of children at the most inconvenient times such as while we're grocery shopping or late at night, knowing full well how loaded a topic it is. When i ask to re-visit the subject later he accuses me of "avoiding the topic." And to be honest, I do avoid the topic now because I don't like being made to feel that I'm flawed or wrong while I try to sort through this issue. If he would sit down with me and we could explore this together, it would be OK but I get more of an angry ultimatum from him. I don;t sense he wants to come to a conclusion together but would rather just mentally beat me into "seeing it his way." Like many other posters, I have been around kids a great deal and helped raise my many nephews and nieces while he has never spent any considerable amount of time around a child. He lacks a true understanding of the practical aspects of child-rearing (diapers, night feeding, crying, the mundane and repetetive nature of playing and answering questions, etc.). Moreover, he is not particularly patient or understanding. He enjoys his free time and is very spontaneous. I feel that I would end up with the burden of all the child-care due to this. Adding to the problem is that I'm up for consideration for a very competitive Federal job - something I've dreamed of and worked toward since high school. To make a long story short, the hiring process could take up to two years and then, if hired, we would probably need to relocate. My husband feels that I am being selfish by wanting to put things on hold over this - he thinks it means we have to wait 3-4 years before trying to conceive and he feels that would be "too old." What to do? We are beyond having a fair discussion and I don't think he will consider counseling. I feel at this point he will leave me if I do not provide an answer.

Hello, Poor you, I'm sorry you're having a hard time with this. At least you know that you are far from alone. Have you read the thread by Sophia about one partner wanting kids and the other not? I really can't offer any advice, but I'm in a kind of similar situation - my partner wants children, I'm thinking I really don't. He tends to be offended and hurt about it, rather than pushy, but we still can't manage to talk about it - like u say though, the only time we do is like at inappropriate times such as late at night. It sounds like you are being / have been honest with him and you are not flawed or wrong for feeling this way. It's also not you're fault that your thought you'd have children at 31 but you now you don't want to. What do you say to your husband when he brings up the topic of children? I wish that ages ago I had just listed all my concerns about having them, but it's not easy when it's such an emotionally charged topic. Does he say why he wants to have children? I think a lot of women find that they have more experience of being around children than their male partners and more of an idea of what having children really involves. After all, it'll be you that ends up doing all that stuff. All in all, it sounds like he's being quite horrible to you and these are no circumstances under which to bring a child into the world. Obviously it's much easier said than done and probably not very good advice, but it sounds like you have a good job with good prospects. Maybe there is somebody else out there that would respect your decisions. Anyway, best of luck x

Hi, Silveraven - - I'm kind of a blunt old man, so hope I do not offend. It sounds to me like your husband has little, if any, respect for you nor for anything you want. I have to agree with Crocus above: It may be time to start thinking about this relationship and its future. Children are a MAJOR issue. Having children you do not want simply to "keep the peace" will be NO peace at all.

Hoping good things come your way.

It may be tool late for this piece of advice, but shouldn't this huge life decision have been discussed prior to marriage? I can't believe that your husband considers you selfish for wanting to achieve a personal dream. It isn't like he would have to go through the pregnancy! If you did give in to his desires, and also got this job, what would happen then? You would have a baby you didn't really want that was being raised by day care workers instead of a loving mom. I hope you can work something out with your husband, if not, wouldn't it be better to find someone who supports your dreams fully.

Hi Silveraven,

gotta agree with Louie here - the problems you are having with your husband - that he is pressuring you, that he hasn't any idea what having kids really involves, that he likes his spontanaeity and freedom - won't get better if you give in - in fact they'll be ten times worse, and there will be another person in the picture. In my view, you have to be on the same page about having kids, and solid in your relationship. Kids place stress on a marriage.

On another forum I read a great post - here is the gist. You could be left on your own if you don't agree to have kids. But, if you do, the relationship will change so drastically anyway, it may as well be a different person. You can no longer be #1 to each other. Physically, emotionally - it all changes.

Your husband isn't wrong for wanting kids any more than you are wrong for being ambivalent. But the way he is treating you because of it sounds downright controlling. When the kids have flu and you feel rotten yourself, is he going to help out? Is he going to expect you to give up the career you have worked hard for? (Incidentally, I do wonder if part of his keenness to become a father is some kind of resentment of this.)Is he going to be able to deal with problems with the kids in a mature and rational way, or is he going to browbeat them?

I wish you all the best. There are some good cautionary posts on here from women who made the decision to have kids and now regret it...worth reading before you do anything permanent!

As Kalinka says, having children is 'something permanent.' It's going to change your life forever. A child would put great pressure on both you and your marriage. If your marriage doesn't survive that pressure, who will most likely be left rearing a child? You. Chances are, your 'spontaneous' husband wouldn't do well as a single parent. Where will that leave you?

Just something to think about.

First, let me preface by letting you know, I am a mother (of a now 17 yr old), and would like to have had more children -- but my dh didn't want more. I felt a bit cheated, because prior to our marrying, we discussed having children in the plural. However, we have just the one. Might have ended up that way no matter what, as I have infertility issues.

Anyway, from this perspective, I suspect your husband may feel a bit like I did -- like the marriage was begun with the intention of having children, and now, the rug seems to possibly be pulling out from under him.

That said, I don't think that is a reason to have a child. If it isn't right for you both, it isn't.

However, you said that you always assumed you'd have children, and that you are ambivalent. You also said that you don't think your husband would consider counseling. Why don't you consider counseling for yourself, to understand what you truly do want. Do you want children, just later? Do you really not want children? How important is it to you?

Children deserve to be an addition to a family, not just "oh, well, guess it happened." Not that that doesn't happen, and the children are often loved just as much. But ideally, it would be something you both want.

So, again, I suggest you see a counselor, and help you find out what is the right direction for you. And when your husband broaches the topic, let him know you are working on figuring it out, not avoiding the topic.