BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids One partner wants kids and the other doesn't...

I sometimes imagine how it would feel if my husband would come home one day and say, "You know, I've been thinking about it, and I've realized that I don't need to have kids to be happy." And I immediately have this incredible sense of RELIEF. I think the issue would be resolved immediately. Like you Crocus, I find that I'm afraid to come right out and say I don't want kids - though increasingly I'm getting closer and closer to that point. I hate the indecision, but I'm also afraid to face the consequences of admitting how I feel. I think my husband thinks my feelings are a phase, not a final decision.

well, don't lose heart. My husband woke up one day and said you know... I don't want to have kids. He realised he only ever wanted kids because he just thought thats what happens when you get married, two years later ....welll lets just say, he had a vasectomy done on monday. You never know.....

Its amazing, I never had to pressure him, he said he knew from the time we were dating...(7 years ago) and he just stuck around, and evetually he "caught up" Our closest friends have just had a baby... and he went martching for his Vasectomy... he's amazingly happy... ofcourse I am not too happy with the 2 weeks without sex, I guess its better than no sex for the rest of my life huh

[quote=sophia7]I sometimes imagine how it would feel if my husband would come home one day and say, "You know, I've been thinking about it, and I've realized that I don't need to have kids to be happy." [/quote] Oh how I wish that would happen! I even get excited when he says one negative thing about kids, calling them noisy brats etc, but I really think he's joking when he says it. Even if he said "I can see how having kids would be really hard work". Just one thing that showed he thought that there were downsides. If only I was desperate for a baby or even if that had always been part of my life plan. However, as my mum says, life isn't fair. Their friend's son (not sure how keen he and his wife were to start with) will probably not have any children because he had an episode of MS and that is congenital and they do not pass it on. It doesn't always work out how you want, but that doesn't mean you can't be happy. I could have met a man that wanted no kids, OH could have met a woman that wanted 5, but we met each other and we love each other. A school friend of mine was desperate for the perfect family by a certain age and her husband walked out a week before she gave birth. Another friend wanted children and had two unexplained miscarriages and never tried again, it was too much pain for them to bear.

Hi ladies, It's so nice to hear from others in a similar situation. I go back and forth on how I feel about kids. As a child and preteen, I loved kids -- couldn't wait to have my own. Wanted to have seven. From about ages 16-22, I didn't want them. Then I met my husband, and realized that he was the kind of person I could have a child with. We discussed our future and assumed we'd have 2 or 3 kids. This July we'll have been married 3 years, and I just can't see a kid in our future. Unfortunately, he brought up the topic about 2 week ago (this is the first time the topic has come up since we've been married). I think part of the problem is that I am very practical and realistic (maybe even pessimistic) about the whole thing. I know the divorce rates, I know about the lack of sleep, cracked nipples, lack of sex life, etc. I have 7 nieces and nephews, so I get it. And that makes me question if it is really for me. My husband, on the other hand, has a smaller family, with no "next generation" yet. And I know that when he thinks about the future, he doesn't think in detail like I do. Sure, he realizes that having a kid changes things, but he doesn't think about how even the tiniest aspect of your life will change. You can't just run to the grocery store for eggs. You can't just veg on the couch at night after work. You can't decide to go to a concert or dinner at the last minute. You can't see a movie at 2pm on a Sunday afternoon after church. (You can't just shower and dress for church!) I just don't think he gets how life-changing it would be. Which one of us would pick-up/drop-off at daycare? The way our schedules are now, neither one of us is available, unless we drop off at 7am and pick up at 6pm. I wish there were some way to give him a glimpse of that life. The problem is, I don't think a glimpse is enough. I think he needs like a month of it. Because a long weekend with the nieces and nephews isn't going to show us what a lifetime of parenting is like.

I've been reading these posts and find them so honest and fascinating. My stance is that no one should feel pressured into having children because it is such a life-altering decision. It takes a tremendous amount of self-sacrifice.

If, as a woman, you instinctively know you don't want to be a mother, you really shouldn't go against that "voice."

However, for those who aren't sure and who waffle back and forth...there is something you should know about the reality of having your own child. Once you get pregnant and birth a newborn, there are biological processes that change the hormonal balance in your brain. You literally do "become" a mother in that you bond with your baby in a very primal sense. It's hard to explain. You get this "mother-bear" instinct that kicks in.

Now, as you may have read from other mothers' posts, not everyone feels it. Again, I believe it has something to do with hormones. Not everyone gets the rush of nurturing hormones that flood a mother's brain.

Case in point, when women go through menopause, they have less estrogen bathing their brains and suddenly no longer feel as nurturing. They do not want to pamper or please their spouses and little crying children in a restaurant annoy the heck out of them when once, they would have felt sympathy.

Some people aren't biologically prepared for or suited to the rigors of parenting. And there is nothing wrong with that.

With that said, I know several women and men who did not want children at all. But when they did have their own child, they changed overnight. They doted on their little one who became the center of their universe--and they couldn't be happier about it.

When you have a child, you realize that you can love someone more than anything else in the world. Motherhood has to be experienced to understand this. My husband and I were in shock and awe over how our biology changed. A fierce-ness flooded through me and I felt fear for the first time in my life. I feared that something could happen to this precious, vulnerable child--my child--and I would die to protect it.

I didn't want to say anything in this thread because, really, there are no guarantees in life. You can't be positive that your biology will change and that you will love motherhood. You can't be sure that your child will turn out to be a joy.

But you also can't discount the possibility that you will grow into a truly loving mother. It is nice to indulge ourselves with all the things you mentioned above, but after a while, living for yourself feels empty as you age. And when you love a man, having his child really deepens that love and bond between you. (Yes, I know there are exceptions to the rule, but most of the time, this is what occurs.)

It's true that a long weekend with the nieces and nephews isn't going to show you what a lifetime of parenting is like, but it also won't show you the profoundly deep and abiding love that awaits in the eyes and embrace of your own little adoring child.

Think about this. And when you make your decision, stick to it with no regrets. You are the only one who knows your heart of hearts. If you go against it, the outcome is always bad.

When I was in my early 20's we tried to have kids and was told that our combination was not good. So we both embraced the no kids lifestyle and filled our lives with work, travel and dogs. Fast forward ten years. We are in our early 30's and my husband starts talking about having kids again. I thought everything was settled and we were on the same page. I was wrong. After some conseling, I could tell that we had grown apart even though we still loved each other deeply. I decided that it was not fair to me or him to stay married when we were in such despartly different places. At 35 I was divorced. The fairy tale ending comes next. Both of us find our new loves within the year and were each married again by the next year. He found someone who was desparate to have kids -- five years later he has two girls. I married a man 10 years my junior who never wanted kids and he got a vascetomy. To dissolve my marriage was not what I planned in life, but I know that letting him go so he could be a father was the best thing I could do for me.

[quote=HereToTalk] I think part of the problem is that I am very practical and realistic (maybe even pessimistic) about the whole thing. I know the divorce rates, I know about the lack of sleep, cracked nipples, lack of sex life, etc. I have 7 nieces and nephews, so I get it. And that makes me question if it is really for me. My husband, on the other hand, has a smaller family, with no "next generation" yet. And I know that when he thinks about the future, he doesn't think in detail like I do. Sure, he realizes that having a kid changes things, but he doesn't think about how even the tiniest aspect of your life will change. You can't just run to the grocery store for eggs. You can't just veg on the couch at night after work. You can't decide to go to a concert or dinner at the last minute. You can't see a movie at 2pm on a Sunday afternoon after church. (You can't just shower and dress for church!) I just don't think he gets how life-changing it would be. Which one of us would pick-up/drop-off at daycare? The way our schedules are now, neither one of us is available, unless we drop off at 7am and pick up at 6pm. I wish there were some way to give him a glimpse of that life. The problem is, I don't think a glimpse is enough. I think he needs like a month of it. Because a long weekend with the nieces and nephews isn't going to show us what a lifetime of parenting is like. [/quote] Tell me about it! That's exactly how I feel. I think he wants kids because small children can be cute. It's me that thinks about the practicalities and just how much life (well, mine anyway) would change. Maybe you could leave him with your nephews and nieces for a long weekend while you do something else? :-)

I just realised for the first time in the middle of last night that OH has never actually once asked me whether or not I want children. I have asked him, but he has never ever once asked me. As they say, assumption is the mother of all **** ups.

LOL Crocus -- you read my mind. When we were visiting my sister, her husband, and their three kids two weeks ago, I kept sending the kids to my husband for things -- the constant need for a snack, a glass of water, to be "twirled around", etc. I even left him with the baby and a dirty diaper. When he was finished I said, "You want to do that 10 times a day?" He didn't answer. LOL. Towards the end of last year, there was a show on TLC about a woman who gave birth to triplets who were all blind and deaf. I made my husband sit there and watch it, and when it was over I said, "What if you got one like that?" Again, no answer. Ha. I laugh, but it really does appear to be the big difference between us. I think of it in terms of "worst-case scenario" and he thinks it will just "work out". We're like that with other things too, though -- finances, buying a house, etc. I'm always preparing for the downside of something. Because, as horrible as it sounds, while I might be on the fence about kids now, if someone could tell me that I would have a special needs child, I'd be having my tubes tied immediately. If I'm not even sure I can handle a "regular" one, who's to say I can handle a special one? God put some people on this earth to raise kids like that -- I am not one of his chosen ones, and I am okay with that.