BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Still no further forward

A posted a while ago saying my partner wanted kids and I didn't / wasn't sure. I discovered recently that I have endometriosis, which is quite a major cause of infertility and can cause problems with conceiving even in it's mild form. I told my partner it may stop me from getting pregnant and just assumed we would have some kind of discussion about our future. In the end we didn't. He just said it was fine as long as I was feeling well. I told him he had to think about it, because it was his future too and he just said 'I know'. The hospital told me I should try to conceive within the next 2 years, so I told him that too and said that I might not even want to try (I said "might" because I really don't know how I'll feel in 2 years). It's awful, but I'd hoped this diagnosis would give me an "excuse". My horrible periods will return if I don't take contraception and I understand the disease could progress faster with no treatment and I think I could end up with more serious health problems (your pelvic organs can get all stuck together). Also I have chronic pelvic pain and something up with my bladder (sorry TMI). I feel guilty for not wanting to try. I suppose it's because I don't want to try because I don't want to have children and if I did I wouldn't let these things put me off. I don't know how it gets to this stage where I feel guilty about not wanting to put my health at risk to have children. Is it just me? I could just tell him these things and I will be off the hook, as it were, but I'd feel I wasn't being honest to him or me. he doesn't help either because he is so unforthcoming. Later that same night he was all quiet and I asked if he was sad about anything. He just grinned and said no, he was just trying to decide what to watch on TV next. It would help if we could have a serious talk about how he would see his role as a father, how many and when he wants to have children (I'll bet it's not within the next two years)etc. But I don't want to get his hopes up and I can see that's bad from his point of view if he tells me what he thinks and I say, well actually, the answer's still no, because it would seem like his opinion counts for nothing. I don't know what to do now. I feel like I'm being dishonest, because he is never going to push me to have children if he thinks I am going to be unwell as a result, but that's not the whole reason I don't want to have them. Should I try to bring this up again or just leave it? Best wishes to you all xx

i wish i knew what to tell you. i will keep you in my thoughts as you work through this. i also have endometriosis, and it's one of several reasons i couldn't have kids. i realize now that i am living a very good childfree life. but i sometimes wonder if i had tried earlier to have a child (i started trying when i was 25) if it would have happened. i'll never know, and i try not to live in regret.

birth control pills definitely help keep endo in check. i have had really good success since going on the pill 2 years ago. should have done it sooner. hang in there. i don't know what to say about your relationship, but i am sending good thoughts for peace in your heart and wisdom.

Thanks Holly. That's lovely :-) I've suspected I had it for while. BCPs have been great for periods, wish I had gone on it sooner too, but all my pain has started while I've been on them, so not sure how bad it would be if I stopped.

Hi Crocus, my opinion is that you shouldn't "force" this talk with him unless you are really sure about yourself. If you're not, it will only confuse you further, especially that you already know that he wants kids. Now it's up to you. This is not just "some" conversation, it's a very serious one, and whatever you/he says will be considered and noted. That's why I don't talk about this with my husband anymore. The more we discussed it, the more I was confused. At the end he saw my pain and sorrow, and decided it was best to leave it alone until I made a decision (on my own). Although kids are the furthest thing away from my mind right now, I know it's there, like a shadow, and that eventually I will have to face. You are not alone *sigh*

Gullivera, Crocus, that was my relation for a couple of years, I can totally relate. Good luck!

Crocus, I'm sorry that you are going through this type of stress over "to" or "not to" have kids. I don't have endometriosis, but I have a similar situation. I will be going into back surgery next week to have a herniated disk operated on, and I'm 29 years old. This condition has been with me for two years now, and recently it has worsened to the point that I can't sit or lie down without painkillers. The reason it got much worse was because I had a bad cold in January and coughed a lot (yes, you heard that right). Even though the surgery should ease almost all of my lumbar and leg pain, I can't help but wonder what will happen next time I have a cold. Obviously, I can't be pregnant with a back this weak. And even at that, my neuro-surgeon would probably advise me to have children while I'm in my early thirties, because back problems only get worse with age. I, like you, have been on the fence sometimes, questioning why I don't want kids. But don't let it stress you out. If you are stressed about it, you certainly aren't in a position to run out and get pregnant quickly just because the doctor said so.

Does you endometriosis prevent you from having eggs harvested? I know it's expensive, but you might consider saving some of your eggs and having a surrogate mother carry your child in the future, if you decide you would like to have children. I am strongly considering this if I decide to have children, since I know that carrying one for 9 mos. would be more than I could handle.