BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids An 18 year commitment? I don't think so.

Women who talk about "giving in" to thesocietal pressures of pregnancy encouragement seem to be very common on this forum. It seems most of them are victims of that, oh so familiar, perpetual parade of unwelcome comments from others. "You'll change your mind."etc. It can leave you feeling as if you are abnormal for not changing your mind. People often refer to motherhood as an 18 year commitment. This always makes me laugh as there are so many possibilities that they don't consider. First of all, I've never met anyone that wanted their child out of the house at 18, that's just cruel...Nowadays, how would an eighteen year old with nothing but a high school diploma survive on their own....oh yes, welfare....I hope no one would want that outcome for their son or daughter. You may have a special needs child, one that you will need to care for FOREVER. Don't forget about education, I would think if you want a child, you would want them to have an education. Putting them through college is a four year commitment, maybe eight if they want to earn their doctorate. Also, who's to say your son or daughter will not be affected by teen pregnancy...who will support their baby when they are unwed and uneducated? No decent human would put thier child out so therefore it's...probably you! Finally, i know people who have had kids who were substance abusers, and unable to function in society. Where are they now? 45 and still getting high in mom's basement....Don't be so sure motherhood is an 18 year commitment.

the only thing that is 18 years (in the USA) is the legal obligation IF everything is normal and healthy. Once you have a child you will always have a child. Ask my mother-in-law who is expecting her first GREAT grandchild from her teenage grand-daughter!
RavynG

I was having lunch the other day with a friend who is experiencing a lot of pressure from friends and family, and she said something like, "Maybe this is just something that you come to realize that you have to do, regardless of whether you really want to." It was a sobering comment, and made me wonder how many people out there have kids out of pressure or out of a sense that this is the "expected" thing to do (i.e. that you don't really have a choice in the matter). Even the desire for kids is socially ingrained. It's rare that someone explains their decision to have a child in terms of the child's well-being or the desire to parent. More often, the reasons have to do with "long-term investment," a feeling that "it's now or never," or "I want to be surrounded by family when I'm old" (the last already implies pressure on the unborn kid to have kids of their own someday!). But yes, the decision to have a kid is not an 18-year decision. I read an article the other day that reported that apparently a huge percentage of people in their 20s and even early 30s are still living with their parents. Living costs are high, people are extending their educations longer, and jobs are scarce. And the emotional responsibility certainly doesn't end...ever. I still call my Mom all the time.

It's true, I'm 27 and still home, I would hate to live alone!...we're a close knit family...probably because my parents really WANTED kids to begin with...haha.

I have come to the conviction that one either wants kids or doesn't... and no amount of reasoning with people is of any consequence, sometimes I actually believe that people actually pretend to be CF just for some sort of sick attention seeking game. The difference between wanting one and not wanting one lyes much deeper than how many years of commitment it may turn out to be. I reckon if you can be convinced to have children, chances are you did want them....certainly, if one can be convinced then it shows that that there was a desire...somewhere, somehow..... Don't you think? I can understand a mistake... but pressure I just can't. I may be completely wrong, infact often I am, but its just that I don't do things that I don't want to do, unless I can actually see the greater good in doing so. So the whole 18 years committment dribble... well lets just say, if you can fall for that one, then I rest my case.

I hear what you're saying Andso, but I think for most people the decision isn't that clear cut. Women especially I think are pretty much expected/conditioned to want children and when you are constantly sent messages saying that it's a wonderful experience that everyone must have and that you will regret not having, it's easy to start doubting yourself. If you also take into account the wants and happiness of other people you love, like partners and parents who want children then it makes it even harder to work out what you actually want. I can see easily how people get pressured into having children, mad as it may sound.

Crocus I think you're right, sometimes you do start doubting yourself when people expound the glories of parenting. My husband and I were on our way out to dinner last night and chatting about work, one of his colleagues has just become a father for the first time and had been saying how he didn't know it was possible to love something as much as he loved his baby daughter. I must admit that brought a tear to my eye and made it seem almost ridiculous for me to not want that....then I remembered that the last time I saw the newbie father he was so tired he couldn't figure out how to use a microwave! My husband and I had a lovely meal, a bottle of wine and spent all night just chatting and being a couple, I'm certainly not ready to give that up!

Regarding the original post. I'm a parent and while I'd like to guide and finance my children through graduate school, I still do think of the commitment in terms of 18 years.

What I mean is the INTENSE commitment. A 20 year old college student who needs independence, some guidance, privacy, tuition payments, food, fun, love etc, is completely different than a 3 year old who basically needs 24 hour supervision, transporation, love, discipline, undivided attention--basically the parents' mind, body and soul. LOL.

Of course the job of parenting is not over at 18, but it certainly changes.

Life is so interesting isn't it. I recieved an email from a friend of mine who said, about having a baby " just give it a go... you never know, you might get an adorable kid!!" needless to say ... I gave it to her. I was upset but I shouldn't have been. Thing is tho' who wants to give an 18 year old commitment a go? Sounds really intelligent huh. This coming from a woman who does not have kids herself by the way. Interesting.

I agree with everything you say. There are people out there who say they don't want kids and then have one as soon as the opportunity presents itself. Probably they always wanted a child deep down but were afraid to admit it because the did't have a partner or had infertility issues.

I also think that there is not much to discuss. When I was childfree and loving it, I always mistrust people who pretended to be like me and then told me a million logical/ rational reasons to support their not wanting kids. I never had a good rational reason not to want children. Just like people with children do not have any to procreate. Actually CFs have come up with so many lists of reasons because they/we feel obliged to justify them/ourselves all of the time. For me it all boiled down to: I feel it is something foreign to my body + I am not interested in children.

Also, as some one who caved in under pressure I have to say that I understand the fact that you don't get it. However people are different and are driven by different motivations. I have been a vegetarian for years and I had more than my fair share of silly comments about my choice and I never really cared. But this was different, because, it is a very sensitive topic for me. Being the only person that I knew who ruled out children so radically, I always had the suspicion that I wasn't "normal", so when I met my child-loving dh, I really started to think that something was really wrong with me, that my rejection was irrational and that if I faced my fears, I would be like everybody else. It sounds really stupid, I know, but that's how it was.