BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids engaged, and tired of the "baby" comments...

Hi, I am engaged to be married this summer, we are very excited about our wedding. We want to be child free, our parents are supportive, thankfully. They want us to build the life we want together. However, others are not! I am in disbelief about the comments and questions people make when learning of our feelings on parenthood. I try to respond honestly when they ask. I tell them that as a dance teacher, I've spent alot of time talking to and observing parents and do not wish to live the lifestyle that they live, just as I didn't wish to be a bank teller! I know several couples know in their fifties, who never had kids, led the lifestyle I aspire to lead....they didn't "change their minds" about having kids like people repeatedly tell me I should. First of all, I don't even feel as though I should have to justify myself, but then I get uncomfortable. My mom has told me to tell people we're unable to have kids, but I am not a liar, and don't want to become one. How do you handle people's comments, and let them know it's not open for discussion? I must sound like I have an attitude, but these people and their presumtuous ways have really gotten under my skin...one night I lost sleep over some of the comments someone made telling my my fiancee would change his mind if I didn't.....HELP!

Hi,

I got married seven years ago at 35. I married a older man who did never wanted children so people who knew us already knew the answer. At first it truly bothered me. I mean everyone I met would ask me the same darn question. Why in the world was it such a big deal? If a couple do not have children then they have their "personal" reasons. I never understood why we had to explain ourselves. Now that I am 42 I just answer the question by saying that we just don't have children. When a person continues to ask I just smile and say we just don't. It seems to work because people get the message that I will not explain my reasons. Gosh, you might as well ask me how much I weigh. I feel it is as personal a subject matter.

Giselle

[quote=Giselle]Hi, Now that I am 42 I just answer the question by saying that we just don't have children. When a person continues to ask I just smile and say we just don't. It seems to work because people get the message that I will not explain my reasons. [/quote] Thank you, I will have to try this! I do believe it will put people in their place. Of course, I still need a response to the old "you'll change your mind!" comment. Which is equally invasive:)

Seriously, I would just tell them I dont want kids and stuff their reaaction. If they are gonna be oversensitive about something tha none of their business, then stuff them. As you said some people cane be very rude to you about this issue.....just why do you care about offending them? I positively love offending people who wont let my live my life, its a challenge to their own bigotry.

Im not rude or aggressive, I just say the things that they dont wanna hear. For instance im not about to lie and say im infertile just to please some small minded bigot! If someone seems accepting of my choice not to have kids then I automatically gain a little respect for them. However if they seem to disapprove of my choice (not the same as not understanding which I accept because they are not hostile, they are just bemused by my differences and its natural to be bemeused by ppls differences)however if they disapprove and have the audacity to talk like their choices are the ONLY valid choices, telling me ill regret it, or im selfish then Ill basically give them hell and say things that are not aggressive but will hopefully irritate and upset their smallminded, stodgy ,and unimaginative little hearts. Such thing are "when I was a little girl I always said I never wanted to get married and have kids and my feelings havent changed" (this is true but I dont normally subject ppl to it as it upsets some ppl) and "I really dont feel any connection with kids, I dont think like a so called normal woman" and "I want to keep my figure, im shallow and I have a heart of stone haha deal with it".....it normally shocks them out of their tiny little minds and they leave me alone or get all upset, which they deserve if they try to act as if their choices are the only valid ones or if they think they know what I want better than I myself do!.

Hi misstalia!

Well, first off, congrats on your engagement! I completely understand the frustration of people's stupid comments to engaged and newlywed couples. It's funny because your mom gave you the same advice I would- lie. But, I understand your reasoning for wanting to be honest.

You asked for advice on handling people's comments, and i'll just say that it is a struggle. Complete strangers, co-workers, in-laws, everyone feels the need to share their "wisdom" with me. What's worked for me is just changing the subject. Be as vague as possible when they ask these personal questions, then just start talking about anything else- your job, a nice new restaurant you want to try, american idol, anything! =)

Good luck!

Thank you for your words of wisdom, girls. Next time someone tells me I will change my mind, I was thinking of responding with, "I had no idea you were psycic, what other predictions can you make." hahaha....ok it's not that funny, but I made myself laugh with it.