BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids On the fence? Check out this thread

Another good read for those "on the fence." women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/women/families/article2044495.ece (Found this article from www.kidfreeandlovinit.com - what a great site!!)

Hello, I have been reading everyone's comments with interest. My situation is different--I actually wanted children but couldn't have them. My husband and I decided that extreme measures were not for us because of the terrible toll both physically and financially. What do you do when people try to tell you what a mistake you've made (not trying IVF)? Or, even if they know the full circumstances, try to convince you to try an adoption lawyer? My husband and I have a good life together, and have joint custody of his two children from a previous marriage. It may sound selfish, but we only wanted a biological child. Any advice about what to say? We've gone through so much already that I don't think I can take being made ashamed for not adopting. It seems the only "acceptable" thing to do in some people's eyes is have children.

Rerah, I've talked to parents before that were really laid-back about whether or not they had kids. They said that before children, they were perfectly happy, and that whether or not they got pregnant, they were okay with that too. Basically, they were open to having kids, but they weren't forcing anything - so they just let whatever happened, happen. I thought it was a very carefree outlook, because either way it went, they'd be happy with it. If it were me, and I were in your shoes, I would say that my husband and I weren't doing anything to prevent a pregnancy, that we were just leaving it in God's hands, and that we believe that if it's meant to be, it'll happen. About the adoption thing - I would say that my husband and I believe that to be a very special calling, that my husband and I have really prayed about it, (which we would if I were in your shoes) and that we're not feeling called to that at this time. Oh, one more thing, have you tried herbs, acupuncture, or other alternative health therapies? Many women get help conceiving through these methods. If interested, I'd start by checking out [url=http://www.drfostersessentials.com/store/Prenatal_mi.php]Dr. Foster's Prenatal Program.[/url]. It's a 2 month program and costs about $160. Dr. Foster's formulas are of top quality. Anyway, good luck, and if you don't get pregnant, you might consider that as a blessing? Of course, that's what you'd expect to hear in this forum though, right? haha :)

DifferentKindofGirl, Thank you for your advice. Unfortunately, conception at this moment is impossible due to other complications. I guess what's really hard is that I'm the only "non" mother within my circle of friends. In fact, in two weeks I'll be going to the 6th baby shower since January! Is there any way of finding a childfree group in my area? (I have looked to no avail.) Would anyone mind if I'm childfree NOT by choice? I completely agree that no one should have kids if they don't want them--I'm a teacher, so I see neglected children every day. Actually, it's been a relief just reading some of the things people have written here and other places on this site. Thanks again for replying. Oh, I'm Methodist, and the church has no position whatsoever about having children that I know of--it's a personal choice. The people ATTENDING, however, certainly do have opinions!

Rerah, It seems to me that you're in the perfect position to get to enjoy all your friends' kids without having to take on the responsibility yourself! Trust me, I'm sure there will be "plenty" of times in which they wished they had your more carefree lifestyle! I've never been to a childfree group, but I'm sure they would welcome you whether or not you were childfree by choice, especially since you respect their views. I don't know a way of finding a group other than a google search and using the childfree websites out there like nokidding.com. You might also check out the groups in your area with meetup.com so see if by chance there's a childfree group there. Thanks for that observation about your church - I've always been curious about how those attending different denominations might feel about the subject of kids. :)

Rerah, I'm sorry for you, and feel your pain! I dealt with primary and secondary infertility (obviously, since secondary, too, I did manage to conceive) -- and it was conceive or bust for us, too, as my dh didn't want to consider adoption.

Remind people that this is a painful and personal decision, and you know you can count on them to respect that. This puts the burden onto them to lay off, because if they don't, it makes them seem more insensitive (which, of course, they are -- or you wouldn't get to that point!)

But IVF -- I have known people to try. One got pregnant and lost the pregnancy, the other tried three times (last time was go-for-broke transfer of 10 blastocysts) and never even conceived. So people do have a false impression of success rates on that. Feel free to offer them the chance to PAY for your IVF... since it is such a [censored] shoot anyway, I feel it is unwise to put your body through that toll to such a high price.

Adoption -- just tell 'em, "Not something we're interested in, thanks." If they persist, ask them why THEY don't adopt.

BTW, if you had a child, people would still be obnoxious. Can't tell you how many times, while keeping it quiet, but trying to conceive after my ds was born, people would think nothing of asking me "So, when are you going to give him a brother or sister?" Or worse, asking him if he would like one. I don't get why they think it is there business. If they asked, "Are you planning on having any more?" I could take it better, but that always irked me. (Fortunately, it comes to a point eventually when they stop asking, and assume you planned on an only. I wonder -- do people ever stop asking those who don't want any, or do they continue to make assumptions until menopause?)

People are always obnoxious about this topic, I never wanted a child but had one. The experience was horrifying, and lots of people keep asking when the sibling comes. Even people who are supposed to know me well assume that it is a question of time that I want/have a second one. When I did not breastfeed I got sorry looks and even tips to "get it right" because everybody assumed that I wasn't able when the fact is, I felt disgusted and didn't want to and I had to live with that guilt for months. I think the correct answer to your question is yes: obnoxious assumptions till menopause.