BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Going from childfree to wanting a baby?

So I read this news article in my local paper the other day, and I thought it was so weird! This lady has a baby with all sorts of problems (congenital brain defects, cleft lip and palate, complex heart disease, unable to swallow, and might be deaf) Anyway, so it says "The mothers twin sister said she never wanted a child of her own until she met this baby. 'It was because I didn't want to dedicate my life to someone other than myself and my husband. That moment I saw this little baby, my heart totally changed. The change she wrought in me was effortless.'" I don't know about you, but when I see babies will all these problems, it makes me want to have one even less! I can't believe this made her change her mind. She must not have been very admanmant about not wanting children.

Wow. i just have to say huh?

It could be too that she has a very caring and nurturing heart and seeing the baby with the birth defects might have triggered something. I don't know any other reason why seeing a baby with birth defects would make a woman want to have a baby.

It is probably the care giver in her.

That is a good point, Vance. I feel like that about dogs. I tend to adopt dogs that are otherwise unadoptable or disabled somehow.

A child though...someone would REALLY have to be in it for the long haul, not just a decade or two.

the CARE giver in her?! That is the most disgustingly self-centered thing I have ever heard--not Vance's comment but the original story. Yay-I am going to create a pathetically suffering new innocent life just so I can feel good about myself being the hero care-giver! OMG--I am absolutely horrified anyone could even think like that! That is akin to Munchaussen-by-Proxie Syndrome in my opinion! That is truly sick, and sickening.
Ravyn

What on earth does the world need that for, I would have thought it would make perfect sense to at that minute exclaim... OKAY THATS IT!!! definitely no children... This is her sister. Who knows whether she has those same genes(God forbid) that this poor mother has. What an insult. I feel for the mother. I am so terrified of that oo, what if you give birth to this poor child, they will actually have to live like that. And what happens after you die, who will look after them... why would that appeal to someone....this is nuts!! Goes to show

I would be more inclined to think it was that twin-empathic thing that her sister felt.

I've known too many sets of identical twins that share a real psychic bond (although the rational part of me haw trouble admitting it).

But I used to work in surgery with a twin, her sis worked in a nearby hospital (they were both surgical RNs). The one I worked with was not married, never had kids, but she knew the exact moment her sister went into labor. She felt it.

So maybe this twin is feeling what her sister is feeling about her baby, that mother lion protectiveness - and it is bringing out her desire for one of her own.

Or maybe the twin would have felt the desire to have a baby of her own had she met any sort of baby her sister had--healthy or otherwise.

I have said on this forum that decisions are great, they're fantastic, but it is also okay if you do change your mind.

Here's the thing. I read ALOT of self help books as the life coaching editor here and I came across a great bit of advice in one of Mira Kirshenbaum's books. She says when you're facing a tough decision, first figure out what is closest to your heart. If you get the one thing that's closest to your heart, your chance of happiness increase. If freedom, independence is what is closest to your heart then make all of your decisions accordingly.

Perhaps this twin decided that nuturing someone is what she really, really wanted to do above and beyond anything else. Sure you do not have to have a baby to nuture someone else (there are already lots of people out there adults and chldren who need love), but if that is her decision and it's a conscious decision--it's the right one for her.

We can neve fully understand how the human heart and mind works. It may well be that there was a hugh change of heart just seeing the vunerablity of her sister's child. Maybe there was twin empathy I don't know. A change of heart of heart or a reflection on decisions we make is o.k I am all for people revisiting and revising decisions as our lives move on. To remain child free for life is an option many people take. For other's, life gives them an opportunity to alter their path and that is fine also. Let us be supportive of people's right to choose.

Ok I agree that if the women wants kids now she was never truly childfree. I doubt its the disability of the child that makes her want children but just her love for the child and a desire to be a mom which many people have.

I work with children with severe and profound disabilities (mentally retared, autistic, paralyzed, blind, etc.) I dont want children. However, my desire to not have children has nothing to do with my students.

People, even well intentioned people, are often completely misunderstanding of the disabled. The students I work wiht are not pathetic and suffering. They may suferr but so does all of humanity. In fact many of my students are extremely happy. One of the happiest and most delightful people I have ever known was a young man who was wheel chair bound and severely cognitively disabled. There lives can be of a high quality if their care takers are dedicated to them and if society sees them as valuable. After their parents are dead there is definite hope for them. Services are improving and there are many good programs, of course there are still bad ones as well. The key to improving programs is to see the severely disbaled as not pathetic but as people deservign quality lives.

Just so as not to confuse anyone I do feel for the parents of my students who are often very burdened. I certainly wish my stduents could be more typical, I hate the word "normal", and I work hard to make them as independent as possible. I would never wish their problems on anyone and wish they could go away BUT their lives are not meaningless and/or filled with endless suffering. That was only the case when people with disabilites where imprissoned in institutions.

I do think before anyone has children they should understand taht there are birth defects taht can not be detected before birth. I also support people's right to choose completely, so its not as if Im against abortion but many people think they can detect all disabilities and its not the case. Most of my students have birth defects resulting from lack of oxygen at birth, premature delivery, or they have head injuries.

Please dont assuem all severely disabled people are miserable.