BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids At some point does everyone second guess

In my twenteis, I just turned 31, I was pretty on the fence about kind. I think its because the idea was fartehr off. I also like kids, I teach. I dont have any issues with dirty diapers or baby, I like babies.
BUT
I never wanted my own kids. Neither does my husband, we married at 23. We have 6 dogs and 3 cats and that satisfies my maternal instict. I just have no urge and I feel like you should have a strong urge before having kids.
I am very open about my desire not to ahve kids and all friends and family and even my coworkers know. If someone mentions kids and asks me about them Im upfront about the fact that I dont want children.
Im wondering if any of you, when you turned 35 of 40 felt some urge for kids, or how many of you never ever felt the urge as you aged.

I'm in the last year of my 40s

I've never felt the urge to have them, never felt a single regret. There is some thought among people like me that 'wiring' may be involved. Just as some claim a strong maternal/paternal instinct from as far back as they can remember, there are some who have a total lack of that desire.

I have always been a bit of a fence sitter but leaning way over to never wanting kids. I don't for a second regret not having children but over the years there have been times that the hormones clouded my brain. I would think about having kids, maybe just one, maybe if I went off the pill for a month to see what the fates had in store. Never did that but as I said, hormones clouding better judgement. As years passed by and all my friends had kids. Not once did I envy them. I have nieces now to have some kid time and it's great to take them back home. The only issue about not having kids is one discussed here many times - that you 'lose' your friends while they are raising their families. Years ago I created a pro/con list for having kids. My co-workers were driving me crazy with pressure (it was a small group, 3 guys and me, all the guys at least 10yrs older with kids). So I created the list and they agreed on all points. The con list was longer but it didn't include losing friends. The thought never crossed my mind at that time. Which is probably why it hit me harder than any of the other list items - I hadn't prepped for it. My parents were the first amongst their friends to have kids. They dragged me everywhere. I remember many a night keeping myself occupied as my parents socialized with kid free friends. For some reason my friends can't handle that more than a few times a year and even less frequently one on one. I used to hang out with one gf a few times a month, just the two of us, before kids. After kids, we have managed just two movie nights alone in 12yrs! The kids are almost teens - she will be back soon. :) My advice is to make the pro/con list for yourself. Accept that the drive to reproduce is strong even when that may not be the right choice for you. Realize that second guessing is normal too but sit back analyse the situation for yourself. As I tell people - better to regret a decision you made for yourself than one made for you.

I actually dont need to make a pro con list, for now at least, I have NO desire to have my own kids. My desire has gotten less as I get older In my 20s Iused to think maybe some day. Im just wondering because older people with and without kids have told me they felt an urge to have kids as they aged. Though some never acted on it. I dont think Ill ever get that urge.

I like the idea of the pro/con list. For me it was easy - I've wanted to have kids as long as I can remember. On the other side, a good friend of mine never wanted to have them. She and her husband work with and love children, but didn't want any of their own. That is, until she hit menopause at 50. Suddenly the hormones hit her and she was almost desperate to have a baby. They actually tried to conceive for a while there, but it was too late. I think she's accepted it now. It really could have just been the raging menopausal hormones, but she is a case of someone who didn't second guess it until the option was taken away.

Well the other thing is I would never be opposed to the idea of adoption IF I did wnat kids. In fact when I considered having kids, adopting always appealed to me more so I could always adopt if I were to change my mind.

But the option is never really taken away. Sure the option for a biological child is eventually gone (though modern medicine is changing that too!) but one can always adopt or foster kids. Thing is if you know that you don't want to parent then you *know*. Sure many of us would rise to the challenge but if you don't want the job of raising a relatively well adjusted person then don't apply for it. But the drive to reproduce is strong. We should be very thankful we live in a time and place where we can make that choice for ourselves. There are many areas of the world where women don't have the choice.

tubby3pug, I totally understand your thoughts on this. I'm now 29 -- I have never desired to have children, but I sometimes wonder if some un-forseen life event is going to happen when I'm say -- 35 years old -- and I will all of the sudden want to have kids. In the last year or so, I have often thought about getting sterilized. My husband also has never wanted children, and I am about to undergo back surgery, which makes me think that going through a pregnancy would be horribly painful and mess my back up again. I am pro-life, so an abortion would be out of the question, should I become pregnant. Sometimes I think that sterilization would put my mind at peace about all of the problems motherhood would bring me, but I continue to hold back because (a) I don't think family and friends would receive it well, and (b) I have already sealed the deal not to have children -- what if I DO change my mind? Wish me luck on my decision, and I'll do the same for you!