BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids One partner wants kids and the other doesn't...

The weird thing for me is that I feel like my husband's biological clock is ticking, and yet mine isn't at all. Growing up, I never thought that I would have a child (actually never thought I'd get married either!), but everyone kept telling me that my biological clock would kick in when I turned 30. Nope. If anything, my feelings are moving steadily in the opposite direction. I think I'm struggling a lot against implicit pressure - from my husband, from family, and from society as a whole. At the same time, I'm hugely aware of the time pressure involved - that one way or another we have to make a decision in the next few years. I am a strong feminist, but sometimes when I think about this decision I find myself wishing that I were not female - I don't like the thought of any of the physical aspects of mothering (pregnancy, breastfeeding, etc.) and the biological time pressure issue only complicates things further. It's hard not to feel trapped, as though there isn't room to make a choice. And I hate feeling like my own feelings on this are wrong somehow. I know that if we don't have kids that would be a choice that we would make together, but I still feel as though somehow I would be blamed for that decision. I'm trying to sort out how much of my indecision is connected to some deep-down hint that I actually might want a child and how much of it is connected to the knowledge that my husband desperately wants to be a father (he'd be a great parent) - it's agonizing to feel as though I would be the one preventing him from fulfilling that dream. Solalux, I seem to remember seeing a post that you did have a child? Is that right? How did that decision-making process work for you given your feelings? And are you happy with the decision? (a tough question to ask, I know)

1) Totally same feeling since I found out how it worked, when I was 8 or 9 years old.

2) I used to thing that my rejection to having children lay on some kind of trauma. Maybe people informing me of the facts of pregnancy and birth at such a young age had not been sensitive enough. I have been psychoanalyzing myself for years trying to find the reason why I found repulsing what others felt as a wonderful miracle. I have been going to therapy almost 2 years now, and my therapist kept saying that my anxiety came from the fact that I never wanted a child but had it. It seem pretty obvious, right? Well, I still wouldn't believe her. I still wanted to be cured in the sense of "now I am like everybody else, having children is the best, my son should have a sibling, let's go". She kept telling me that not every woman wants to have children, that a lot of women have children for all the wrong reasons and are miserable. But I would not believe her. Till I found this forum and the "I hate being a mom" forum (also here, look under family/moms) After a couple of months I feel so much better, now I know that I never wanted to have children. Period.

3) I do have written a lot of posts :-) The decision-making process was horrible. The guilt and the feelings of inadequacy were really, really bad. It went on for two years. Then when I couldn't take it anymore I started having unsafe sex once in a while when I thought I was not ovulating. If it happenned I would have to face "my" problem. So much for natural methods: I got pregnant. I had been playing with fire but I was still so horrified that I was allowed by doctors to take certain tranquilizers. I even considered abortion. But I knew that would have had the worst consequences for my marriage so I went on. What happened afterwards you can find it in an old thread if you click on my name "when it is too late.." I am feeling a lot better now that when I wrote it. My child is almost 2 and he is a wonderful little person who loves me unconditionally. I love reading to him and how he starts to talk. He is really fascinating. But I still have up and downs.

Thanks for sharing this Solalux - I appreciate hearing your story. And I'm glad that you're in a better emotional place now, even with the ongoing ups and downs.

If you have the financial option, adoption and a nanny might ba a good compromise.

My Ex Bf wanted kids (this was when he was 20 and I was 21, im now 23) and he used to say things like "I think being a mum is the best thing a woman can be and I dont understand why she wouldnt want to" and "If you dont want kids, when your older all the good men will have gone and youll be left with the commitment phobe scumbags"....these comments used to annoy me so much that in the end I enjoyed rubbing his face in how un-maternal I was, much to his comfusion. I know that as a woman who definitely never wants kids (I have felt this was pretty much since I learned to walk and talk) I know that I will probably be able to find a man who dosent want them more easily than if it were the other way round. But if I cant find one Im willing to be single and never marry....no one is ever gonna push me down that road Id rather die alone than be forced into it by anyone.

Such is the attitude of society to women who, like myself, have never felt they wanted kids, that I rather enjoy providing small minded people with food for thought and just plainly saying "I would really not like to have have kids"...you would not belive how many people take this to be an affront to decent values....but I do not care about what they think I should do, if anything they need to think outside the box....it not a big box and not having kids is hardly revoluntionary.

OMG, tonight I was watching tv with husband and something about kids came up on tv...I risked a comment, I said "so, is that what you want?" I say "risk" because we don't talk about that at all, he knows I'm on the fence and confused. I was shocked that he replied "yes" without hesitating...I guess I was HOPING he would say no, or maybe, or I don't know. I wanted to be clear, so I asked the question again, and again he said yes...he asked me same thing, and I said "it's more on the NO side". It was a very awkward moment for both of us. Although I'm still not 100% decided, I would have felt a HUGE sense of relief if he would have said he didn't want kids. I think my reaction would've been "ok then! let's go on happily with the rest of our lives!" Instead, I'm so so so scared!!! I am SO FAR AWAY from thinking let alone wanting kids! I have no idea how this will end...Thank you for letting me vent.

I know exactly what you mean, Gullivera. We have had so many conversations testing out these feelings that have gone in a very similar way. I keep wishing he would articulate some sort of doubt or confusion or "maybe not" - something! But he's so confident that this is absolutely what he wants. No hesitation. And the feeling of fear is horrible, not knowing how things will end. It's really good that you brought it up though. Talking about it (even in these awkward moment kinds of conversations) is important. But I know how difficult those moments can be. Hang in there...and trust your gut. You're not alone.

Why is it so hard to talk about? Me and my partner can talk about anything really, except this one issue. I don't know if it's because it's too huge and talking about it would lead to us finding out that we both want different things. I'm scared to come out and say I never want children because I know it will hurt him and he maybe doesn't want to talk about it because he doesn't want to put me under pressure or because he things I will just change my mind one day. I honestly have no idea what he thinks. Well done for bringing it up. Maybe I could try that too.

Thank you Sophia and Crocus - it was a very hard time for me. I needed to vent, to let out the emotion, I was so shocked. I can't really talk about this to my friends or family, they don't understand since they all want or have kids. This whole thing makes me so sad too, since I look at my husband and wish so much I would have the DESIRE to make a baby with him. Instead, I find myself being happy (yes, happy!) whenever I think of a future with no kids. Right now I'm carrying an invisible time bomb that is ticking away and one day will come the moment of truth. I can't be like this forever - undecided. I just so wish my husband would not want kids, if that would be the case, I believe I wouldn't think any further, this issue would be closed.