BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids One partner wants kids and the other doesn't...

Hi, I have been visiting this site for awhile and have found a lot of support in the articles and forums, but this is the first time I'm posting. It feels a little strange to be posting on such a personal topic, but here goes. I'm 31, female, and married, and I have been agonizing for a long time over the question of whether or not to have a child. Deep down, I think I know that I don't want to be a mother (the fact that I've been deeply ambivalent for such a long time is probably itself a strong signal), but the problem is that my husband really does want children. He knew I was ambivalent about kids when we got married, but he assumed that I would change my mind. I'm curious to know whether anyone else out there has experienced a similar conflict and managed to negotiate a solution without it becoming a deal-breaker.

Hi Sophia, I'm new here, too. Your story sounds nearly identical to mine. Have you two sat down and had a serious conversation about it? We haven't - and I know we should. Like you, I have always been ambivalent, and he knew that going in. Still, it seems like such a bomb to drop on him - it's scary and it never seems to be the right time to strike up the big conversation. Just wanted to jump in and let you know you're not alone. I will look forward to reading everyone's suggestions and experiences.

Hi. There are a couple of thoughts I have on your 9both of your) story I spent 7 years married-no kids. For us it was not a choice, but there were definitely benefits to having that time just to focus on and get to know each other. We went from those 7 years to having (through both our conceiving and our adopting) 5 kids in under 4 years!

I understand that it would seem that I am a million miles away from your situation, but believe it or not there are similarities. dh wants VERY SERIOUSLY to have a vasectomy. Now, I am not wanting a baby anytime soon. I am not wanting to become pregnant ever again. If we were to have another child(ren) someday it would be a few years down the road and my preference would be to adopt again. But I just can't give my blessing to the procedure because I don't feel right about, ahem, cutting off that posibility permanently. I know it's reversable, but even still...

At his age (34) and the number of kids we have he doesn't need my consent. And, I have told him that the choice is his and I won't resent him. But we've always had a relationship where we totally respect one another, and he will not take such a drastic step unless he knows I am 100% at peace with it. I know people think I'm crazy, selfish, even irresponsible, but the fact is I cannot say I feel comfortable with something so permanent until I am sure. (It's not like we don't use protection!)

So, back to you... when you say that it would be a bomb to drop on him, would it really? Did he believe going in that once you "settled down" into wifehood you'd want kids? Was he also unsure about his desires in that regard? Or did you guys just not really discuss it too much? If you don't want to be a mother, and it isn't some ambivalent eh, I wouldn't be broken up if I never had kids, but, you know, it'd be fine to have one or two (because even I, who willingly adopted triplets when I already had a toddler, then purposely became pregnant again when those triplets were toddlers, had a couple of ambivalent years before my first child was born), if instead you know in your soul that the life you have planned for yourself and chosen does NOT include children, then you SHOULD NOT have children. AND, if he feels in his soul that he NEEDS to be a father, then I do not see how it can be negotiated.

If he is also ambivalent, and would not feel unfulfilled at the end of his life if he never had children, then there may be some moments of tension, but assuming everything else in your relationship is on track, you probably could speak kindly, honestly, and respectfully and figure something out. The thing is though, it wouldn't be a compromise; either you would give in and have kids or he would give in and do without. I do not say "give in" unthinkingly. It should not be a power struggle. But there is no middle ground, really, unless you decided to try foster care or some such arrangement, but that isn't the same as either giving birth to or adopting YOUR own children. (And let me be clear, just for my own sake, my triplets are MY OWN children as surely as their older and younger brothers are).

Look, if one or both of you feels strongly about having or not having kids it's gonna get messy. DH and I are having tension over the hypothetical possibility of pigs maybe flying four years down the road and a theoretical baby being conceived from our combined genetic material in some alternate universe posited in the dreamof a figment of God's imagination. we have 13 years of marriage (really, the strongest marriage I've personally witnessed) under our belts, and kids a'plenty and the matter is still difficult for us.

Your desire to remain child-free is every bit as legitimate as his desire to procreate (or father, as providing the DNA is not a pre-requisite to parenthood), but if a person feels called to parenthood, it is hard for me to imagine his being willing to let that desire go without bearing resentment.

I hope things work out well for you. Wow, human relationships are messy.

Hello Thank-you for posting. I agree Jamie human relationships are messy. There is no compromise with children you either have a desire to have children or you don't.
People do change their minds along the way that is human nature. My experience with people is if they have a strong desire not to have children they don't often pull away from that. Ambivilance can give a mixed message.Partners sometimes feel they can broker a mind change!!
I have seen marriages fall apart because children come into the world as a compromise they can at times bring unbelievable stress and strains on a relationship as well as love and fun.
In all situations I would advise sitting down and talking honestly and openly with your partners. Tell them how you feel and then listen to your partners. So many people are in the same situation as yourselves.Good luck

Sophia, I think you need to tell him as soon as possible. Neither of you are wrong for feeling the way you do, but unless one of you is willing to give up what you want, your future plans are wholly incompatible. People so often assume (hope?) the other partner will change their mind after marriage, but in my experience that rarely happens.

It's the most awful thing for a child to be brought into this world without being wanted, loved and accepted by its parents. Don't give in unless you really feel you could happily become a mother, but don't put off the discussion either. Such fundamental differences can really poison a relationship. As someone who walked away from her first love because he wanted children, I can understand your difficulty. Best wishes to you both.

Hi Sophia, Sorry to hear you're agonising about whether or not to have children. I guess you should speak to your husband about this, but I know it's hard, especially if you think the discussion isn't going to end well. However, *he* should also be trying to talk to you about it. It's not just your responsibility, as any decision will obviously affect his future too. I worried myself sick for ages because my partner wants children and I'm not sure if I do (but erring on the side of not wanting them). Turns out (not really had a proper discussion tho) that he doesn't seem to have given any serious thought at all to the practicalities of having children and only the other day said that if we had dogs I would be responsible for their day to day care and he would just be involved when it was fun. So, after me thinking he would be desparate for kids and I would ruin his life if I didn't produce some, it turns out he only wants them if I do all the work and his life doesn't have to change, which means he can't really want them that much at all. I'm not going to waste anymore time worrying about, cos he obviously isn't. It could all turn out fine in the end for you both, just remember you have done nothing wrong, have nothing to reproach yourself for and it is not just down to you to be worrying about this issue. Good luck xxx

Hi Sophia, I am sorry you are going through this, but rest assured you are not alone. I'm also agonizing about whether to have a kid or not, and it is very painful to say the least. My husband has seen how confused I am by the whole thing (for months I will say I DON'T want kids, and then all of a sudden I will tell him that having 2 kids, 2 girls preferably, would be perfect, and then the whole cycle starts again)...so he's not putting any pressure on me right now. He's said that he's ok whether we have or not, BUT I know that deep down, he DOES want, just not right now. I am SO afraid that I will decide NOT to have children...and risk losing my husband. One thing I know is that there's no compromise when it comes to kids, so if my husband decides one day that he wants kids, I don't doubt for a second that he will leave me and find someone that will! I love him so much and this thought is killing me. I'm not offering much help, sorry, but you are not alone.

Thank you all for these replies! I have been out of town for a few days and have only just signed into the forum again. I can't tell you how reassuring it is to know that I'm not alone in this emotionally agonizing situation. My husband and I have talked about it. Quite a lot actually. It's definitely not a single conversation thing! The dialogue has evolved over a long period of time, and it has been up and down to say the least. For awhile it was the elephant in the room that we just couldn't discuss, but since entering our thirties it feels like we've had to face it more concretely (also since it seems like suddenly all of our friends are starting families). We've been in counseling about it too. We're at a point now where we can be a lot more honest about our feelings than we were able to before, but it is still a very sensitive topic for both of us. At the moment we're avoiding an actual decision. We both know that we don't want kids right now, but we are holding off on making a final decision. That feels ok in some ways, since we are in our early thirties and a lot can happen in the next few years as our careers develop further, but the challenge is that I know that deep down my husband really DOES want kids and he's hoping (assuming?) I'll change my mind. He does not share my ambivalence on this topic in the least. He finds it hard to fathom a future without children, unless we discover that we are physically unable to have them. Gullivera articulated my deepest fear: that if I actually say "I have decided that I don't want kids" and truly close that door rather than leaving it cracked, he'll leave. And yet, I do think that deep down I'm increasingly clear about where I stand on this. I'm also clear that I'm not willing to make a choice that's wrong for me solely for the sake of compromise. Ultimately, I know that would be just as destructive for the relationship, for me, and for a potential child too. This isn't to say that I haven't thought about the positive aspects of parenthood. I've been thinking a lot about both sides of my ambivalence as a part of this process. I have a wonderful relationship with my own parents and I had a very loving upbringing (though I liked to hang out with adults rather than with kids even as a five-year-old). I love to mentor, and I worry about the impact on our society of the increasing tendency of highly educated individuals not to have kids. But I feel as though my own best contribution to society may be through using my skills, talents, and (especially) my time and energy in other ways. Most of all, I know what it is to want something, and to fully accept the challenges that go along with particular rewards. And I just don't want kids. I see close friends who are trying so hard to get pregnant or who have just found out that they are expecting, and how DEEPLY they want this, and I can't relate to their feelings at all. I'm excited FOR them and I love hearing their stories, but at the same time I feel so relieved and thankful that that's not me. I love my career, my quiet home, my lifestyle, my freedom. If we were decide today that we were going to stay childfree, I would feel a tremendous sense of relief. I guess what I'm trying to say is that deep down I do know how I feel. It's how the relationship will evolve in response to that growing realization that is so uncertain. On my more hopeful days, I think that we're living into it already. We've been talking about it so much more productively than we ever had before, and I do think that my husband is recognizing in a way that he hasn't before that there is a very strong possibility that we might not have kids. On other days, I just wonder how in the world we're going to figure this out. We have had our nieces visiting us this weekend, and it has been a reality check to say the least! I love them dearly, but this is the first time that I have had young kids in my home environment for several days in a row, and it is beyond exhausting. It's important time, and I love being an aunt, but this experience is reinforcing for me in so many ways all the reasons why I don't want to be a mother.

Hi Sophia, a lot of what you said I could've written it myself. The hardest part for me right now is to realize that I'm leaning more and more towards the "no kids". And it's so SO hard - I feel so guilty just thinking about it! It is such a SCARY thought, when all my life I assumed I would have kids one day, at age 35 and 38 to be precise...up until a year ago, I even had the actual month and year I would get pregnant! oh, and I would have 2 girls. I even already had images of myself with my baby visiting my parents, or at a friend's house, and how my baby would be so cute, and I woud be so proud, that type of thing... When I met my husband and realized he was the one, I told him early on that I wanted to have kids with him and he agreed. Since then it's been a roller coaster for me, and we avoid the topic altogether because I've changed my mind so many times...But on the week-end we went for brunch and all of a sudden he said "oh, look at her, so tiny and making faces and playing with her food, she even has a high chair so she can reach the table". I turned around and saw a cute girl about 2 years old sitting at the other table, but made no comment (since I had none), and he said "look, I don't hate kids ok? You're the one undecided". So....even though he doesn't right out tells me that he WANTS kids, he's indirectly saying it, and I know he won't have a hard time at all finding someone else because he's very good looking and charming. I also know he would be a great father, because he's very mature and just his views in life are very "wise". *SIGH* I wish there was an easy solution for all of us. I try to stay positive, but it is torturing me, because I'm so undecided and I don't see myself making a final decision any time soon. The problem is, I'm 35 so I give myself another 2 years. Can I postpone it for another 15 years instead?

I can totally relate, my husband was often making comments about cute kids and then "no pressure, we have time". Knowing that it was not a question of time for me made me feel so horrible. I could also see those pictures of him with our child, I knew he would be a terrific father and he was not going to be one because of me... I really suffered with those thoughts. After all, he was the "normal" one and I was the odd one out. Everybody could understand him, but I found no understanding anywhere.