BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids forbidden feeling of anger

I don�t know where to turn!
My husband get�s rather annoyed with me, when I start to rant about all my girlfriends, only rarely now having time to spent with me, now they have children.
I never wanted kids, and I never wanted to loose my friens to their children! I�m jealous and angry, and I wish I was a man! I don�t think fathers spent a whole brunch talking about their kids, their upbringing and so on. I know it�s wrong, but I�m just so frustrated!Where to find new friends when I�m in my early thirties?!
I�m often bored out of my skull, listening to all their child stories, even though I know I ought to enjoy sharing their happiness with their children with them, as a true friend.
I�m secretely hating them for abandoning me for their childrens sake, even I know it�unfair. I know I�m really immature, but I just feel so cheated, after spending yrs nursing my friendships. Now they suddenly become mothers and have very little time for other than their families and work!
I know I�m the unnormal one, but even though I�m angry, and nobody understands me, because I�m the only immature not wanting kids person I know,
It�s unfair!
Where do I find new friends?

danish woman, I don't know if I have any good advice to give you, but I wanted to tell you that you are not alone. Thank you for having the courage to express your feelings of jealousy, frustration, and anger. I have exactly the same feelings, and like you, I feel like a bad person for it. Most of the time, I don't dare tell anyone these things because I'm afraid of being judged. There aren't many people I know who understand. I do have the good fortune that my husband feels as I do, so at least I can commiserate with him.

I am also in my early thirties. This baby thing has been especially bad lately because my social circle is career-oriented professionals, who tend to delay starting families until their late 20s or 30s. Over the past 5 years or so, this has created somewhat of a "baby boom" among people I know. I often feel left out, but I know I don't want to join them! (People always told me, "As soon as your friends start having children, you will change your mind and want to have children too." It has had the opposite effect on me -- never have I been more certain about a childfree life now that I observe the lives of my friends with kids!)

One bright spot is that we have several friends who are in their 50s. Even though many of these folks do have children, their kids are grown. In fact, I can have adult conversations with the kids when I see them. And when the parents talk about their kids, it's not annoying stories about dirty diapers but rather interesting stories about what university their child plans to attend, or that their kid is joining the Peace Corps, or something else that actually interests me. So, maybe you could look for older friends?

Kim Kenney once wrote on here that all her friends were either in their 20s or their 50s. At 35 I have to agree with her! Some of the closest friendships I've made at work or through group activities have been in their 50s, and I agree with the above post that even if these friends do have kids, they are older and the stories are more interesting. Not only that, but I find these older friends are completely sympathetic with the childfree choice...they know having kids is not always fantastic, and have been through the ups and downs of the teenage years. They're more likely to sympathize with you and tell you not to have kids if you don't want to! And friends in their 20s are great because they're a lot of fun, very open minded and outgoing generally.

I feel the same as you two, and have posted on here before about the friend issue, losing old friends and the difficulties in making new ones. I still think it's brutal to lose long-term friendships over kids...but that seems to be how things go. Often even marriage breaks up a friendship because here in Canada anyway, it seems to go hand in hand with buying a house in the suburbs and staying in every night...I've lost countless friends because they never go out anymore and never "go into the city"...and these people are still without kids!

Unfortunately for us childfree people (particularly women) the thirties becomes increasingly frustrating for us because the majority of women out there want kids and will eventually have them. I have found that even my single friends without kids eventually want them so they have little sympathy or understanding for the childfree point of view. They think I'm nuts, frankly...and there is a lot of underlying bitterness because they haven't found a long-term relationship yet, and if they were married like I am, they would immediately start having kids. I think they resent the fact that I have the relationship but don't want the kids.

It's really difficult...I too wish I was a man! They get occasional questions about settling down, but never have to deal with boring conversations about other men's children or constant pressure from their friends to have kids! If anything, I often get more sympathy from men about the childfree choice, because so many of them seem to be dragged into fatherhood by their wives and girlfriends! Unfortunately friendships with men never seem to work out after the thirties either...because most women can't stand their partners being friends with other women! So it's tough...it leaves a very small group of people for us to be friends with!

While this forum has helped immensely, because I know there are so many others out there who feel as I do, it hasn't helped replace long-term friendships. But as for feeling guilty that you're not happy for your friends when they have kids and can't happily listen to their stories...forget about it! I guarantee they aren't overly happy for you when you accomplish whatever you do in life...a work promotion or whatever. My friends' eyes glaze over when I talk about my graduate degree and my career!

what makes you think that not wanting kids is un-normal and immature?

why are you so worry. It is not solution for your problem. Remain cool and face the problem on better way and with courage.

A decision to remain child free is not immature but a concious decision based on personal preferances. We would not argue wanting to bring five children into the world is immature!
It's strange but so many mother's complain of not wanting to be sucked into the baby talk and often resume work to be with other adults.On a one to one basis after the hormonal baby stage is over, I can find many reasons why friendships should be able to continue.Child free people do not usually have an intense dislike of children, rather a that's not for me point of view.
Trying to nuture friendships with both child free and parents can add to life's pleasures. To exclude all parents as friends narrows opportunities and may deny everyone of some great times.

Many of my friends are older too, they've either gotten over or never went through the cild stage and so are free to talk about other things. The few friends I have who do have young children I love dearly, but I feel I have very little in common with them anymore. I don't cultivate friendships based on their family status, I've just always had friends older than me, that's the way I am.

I also have these feelings of anger!
I know what you are talking about. I felt a friendship was pretty much over after the babies. Suddenly I stopped going to my friends' birthday parties, because everybody would show up with kids and I would feel so out of place (and bored). I must admit most of my friends remain at least to a certain degree active: they organize child-free reunions for Christmas or once in a while, but our problems and joys were so completely different that I just didn't enjoy it.
Curiously enough, after having a child myself, I have recovered my old friendships a lot. Unfortunately I live abroad (I'm from Spain) and I only see them occasionally. I live in Luxembourg, a sweet, boring little city where everybody is in their thirties and with little kids. It is difficult to make friends with people who only have kids in common with you, especially if you don't feel at all defined by your child. Remaining friends with your friends with kids is one thing, but seeking friends among the moms is a different story! I made a couple of attempts though, and before I knew it, they were pregnant again! And things haven't changed that much for me in that field. I still have to fake I'm happy for them, and I still don't understand why they do it: going through the whole pregnancy,birth, birth aftermath,waking-up-twice-in-the-middle-of-the night-phase. All my feelings of inadequacy come back to me, my feelings of anger are there again. Not to mention that they keep asking when I am going to have the second one. It drives me crazy! That is a question I hate, especially when asked by people who know me and know (or should know) what I went through. Although, I must say, when I answer never, I don't get the "you will change your mind" mantra. Instead and only sometimes: "you shouldn't let him be an only child, poor thing". Which has not really a positive effect on my tendency to feel guilty, so there goes the anger again.
PS: I don't know any CFs and with a 2 year old, I REALLY have nothing to share at this point :-) That's what this forum is for :-))

Hej,
du kan bare ringe/skrive til mig. ;-)
Jeg har ikke b�rn og kan godt forst� hvad du mener. Jeg bor i K�benhavn.

Translated:
Hey, you can give me a call/write to me. I have no children and understand what you mean. I live in Copenhagen.