BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Dedicated CF, questions feelings because of a dog?

I didn't officially vote, either, but I think a lot of the opinions and experiences posted here are so extremely valuable and I laud you all for diving into this topic. I'm a vet assistant of about 8 years and I have seen myriads of people with and without kids, or empty nesters with pets or brand new couples with their first puppy. I have seen every level of spoilage and minimum care and everything in between. The points raised about dogs vs. babies are very good. I would urge (and probably reiterate) you to remember: *A dog only lives 10 years on average. A child is forever. *Want to go away for the weekend? You can board your dog or leave him with a dogsitter. Arrangements for children are never so easily undertaken. *As was already mentioned, if you're stuck late at work, he might get his dinner a little late or you might come home to a mess on the floor, but no one's going to call the authorities on you for endangerment. *And while this may sound cold, I tell all of my clients this when they start bemoaning the cost of vet care: You don't have to put him through college. (I LOVED the mention of children outgrowing shoes every month - I don't know how moms do it!) You don't have to teach him how to drive. And if you choose to neuter him (and I hope you do), you don't have to worry about him accidentally reproducing. I think it's very good you're seeking input instead of jumping into a decision one way or another. I think the advice on "borrowing" a child might be a worthy idea. Also, and I don't know if you've considered this, but there is always the option of adoption. There are millions and millions of children out there who need loving homes (not unlike our stray animal population) that you could care for in all the same ways. Not only would you fulfill an inner desire, but you would be most likely saving a life. (But then, I'm completely biased on that issue, so take it with as much salt as you need!) Best of luck on your continued thoughts and decisions.

Hello, I know what you mean. I go through all sorts of crazy and inconvenient stuff for my horse, day in day out and most of the time I don't even care because I love him. Some of the things I do looking after my horse are some of the reasons I have for not wanting a child, if you see what I mean. At the end of the day though, he's an animal and he fits in with my schedule, doesn't interfere with my working life, if I'm tired or he's grumpy I don't really have to interact with him for long, he can't speak, his wants are few, his behavioural issuse relatively simple to figure out, he doesn't care if it's me or someone else who looks after him etc, etc... In short he's all the benefits of a child (to me anyway) and few of the drawbacks. Just my two cents... All the best with working out what to do

people are not child-FREE because they are incapable of loving another living thing! I adore my pets--they are the reasons I get out of bed on bad days. I would risk my life for them. I do not WANT children.

it sounds to me that you were committed to being child-LESS because you convinced yourself of all the disadvantages. Child-FREE is a choice made even if the disadvantages were gone just because YOU DO NOT WANT CHILDREN. You are a late-bloomer to wanting to be a mother and having children. That's ok. But take the advice given here and do not get it mixed up in the feelings you have for a dog! What do you think will happen when you have a child, you will stop loving your dog?

Be honest with yourself--it is ok to change you mind. You do not have to justify it by making the dog an excuse. You can love both a pet and a child. But be real.

Ravyn

VERY good point.

Not wanting a child does not mean being cold-hearted and unable to love, (although it is a widespread association). You can love your parents, your bf/ husband, your friends, your pets, even kids: nephews and nieces and children from your friends and family... and still not want children. Incredible but true. (I'm being ironic)

I understand your love for your dog. I am the mommy of an amazing 2-year-old mix breed. She is truly the love of our lives (my husband and mine). Others have mentioned the differences between a dog and a child so I won't go back over that. What I will mention that hasn't been touched on is your age and that of your husband. You are 35, he is 47. If you had a child this year, let's assume you will be 36 and he will be 48 when the child is born. For the next 18 years, you will be taking care of this child. That means you will be 54 and your husband 66 when the child graduates from high school. Does your husband want to be nearing 70 when his child is in college? Does he want to be paying for college/grad school well into his 70s? What retirement plans do you have and would this mesh well with that? In addition to the monetary issues, there is also the issue that age slows us down. It just does. It's a biological fact. Does your husband want to be going to first-grade parent/teacher conferences in his mid-50s? Will either of you have the time to take away from your careers to show up to high school football games and such? And will you have the energy/desire to do so? I am an attorney so I know what that job is like and it can be all encompassing at times, not to mention your job. You'll have to take at least some time away from your career when you give birth and are on maternity leave. Do you want to do that? A child takes away from a marriage. There are studies indicating that marital happiness takes a dive when children are born and doesn't go back up until they leave home. Since you and your husband don't have a lot of free time as it is and the free time you do have is spent nurturing your marriage, do you want to give up that time for a child? These are all things to take into consideration.

GreenHouse, I enjoyed reading your post. I registered just so I could reply! haha :) You are very insightful, and it's wonderful that you know yourself so well in so many areas. How fun for you finding that so many of the beliefs you had about yourself have now been pleasantly broken. You definitely sound like the type of person who has a lot of love to give. It must be really tough being in your current situation of not knowing what to do. I sincerely hope you are able to come to peace about a decision soon. You have been given great advice, and I think the following two points have already been given in one way or another, but I'd like to state them once more: 1) [u]It's easy to love when that love is unconditionally returned[/u]. Dogs show us this most of the time, but people, especially children, do not. Your child would most likely throw tantrums, embarrass you in public, disobey you, frequently, and constantly make demands upon your time and energy - and, they may do so with a sense of entitlement. I have heard that many people love animals more than people.... for many, this may be true! 2) "[u]Drama" Pets don't create drama, because they cannot verbally communicate, but a child will most definitely create drama. Relationships are tough[/u]. You have no idea what kind of personality your child would have. It may be nothing at all like you or your husband. You may find it difficult relating to him/her. He might cause arguments between you and your husband, extended family and add more drama to your life than you ever dreamed. He might make you feel like a bad mother, not appreciate you, or not want to spend time with you, etc., etc. After a while, no matter how much you love your child, I would think this would be hard to take. ....on the other hand, your child could be a great joy to you and be easy going, but it's important to consider the other possility as well! haha I am in my 30s, child-free and want to keep it that way. I'm all about keeping my life simple, and especially about keeping it drama free. I like to spend time with people who really get me, understand me, and support me. Though I have a loving and loyal family, there is still plenty of drama, even though it's just "little" stuff, but it adds up. I don't wish to have more of that in my life, and I like having control over my environment. When you add a child to the mix, you lose your freedom, because suddenly, your life revolves around someone's else schedule... school, soccer games, lunch-dates with your kids' friend's parents (forced socializing! agh!)... etc.... Oh! Many say too that you'll be lonely in old age is your don't have kids. Well frankly, I'd rather be happy when I'm young and healthy than when I'm old! haha You might enjoy a radio show recently hosted by Dennis Prager called Prager H2: [u]Male/Female Hour: Children Disrupting[/u]. This whole hour is on the influence kids have on a marriage. Sadly, most of the callers reported a negative influence, and one caller reminds me of you in that she had a wonderful, loving, close marriage.... before the first child came along. Anyway, it might help: [url=http://townhall.com/TalkRadio/Show.aspx?RadioShowID=3&ContentGuid=e8f2f633-9da6-4f6d-a3e2-d02c49d6a370]Male/Female Hour: Children Disrupting (Dennis Prager)[/url] Good luck with your decision. :) Edit: Just came across the following post - it might help clarify things too! [url=http://forum.bellaonline.com/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=503009&page=1]Need support - I hate being a mom[/url]

I don't think I'm going the right way about this whole baby thing...lately I've been DYING to adopt....A CAT! oh yess...I've gotten all excited about it and every time I go to the animal store and see those beautiful kittens my heart just melts...I've wanted a cat for as long as I can remember, and I'm happy to finally get it!! But a kid...hmm...don't think so. I'm nowhere near close to making a decision about THAT. But if I had to choose today, I would definitely say no! I am sooo happy to be getting my cat (or cats) soon and I just KNOW I will be one of those that will tell endless stories and show pictures for all to see! A real proud cat owner! Yehh!

I've felt the same way all my life. Kids didn't interest me much, but I always loved cats and couldn't wait to get one. Of course, I had to end up marrying someone who's allergic to them so that option went out the window. We spent several years without pets (and I really felt like something was missing) before finding out about ferrets. They're a great alternative since my husband's not allergic to them and they behave just like kittens for most of their lives! :-)

I have the same feelings about my cats. My female cat was a pregnant stray when we acquired her, she had 3 beautiful kittens. The ginger in my picture is the one remaining kitten, we gave one to a friend of ours and sadly the other was run over and killed by a car. The kitten that died was a little bit brain damaged I think, he had real difficulty learning anything and life was fairly stressful for him. He unlitter-trained himself on a weekly basis so I was constantly cleaning mess off the floor - I remember telling my husband every time he complained that kids would be a 1000 times more hard work (he's more child oriented than me). As much as I love my cats dearly and treat them like my children, I can still put them in the cattery when I want to go on holiday. When they wake me up in the middle of the night I can lock them out of the room. If I don't get back home until late and they haven't been fed it's not a big deal, they can wait. Last time I checked, doing the same with children landed you in court! ;) The level of responsibility is just so different, not wanting children doesn't make us cold unloving people. I'm very open, warm and loving - I just don't choose to direct that towards any offspring.

I completely relate to these questions - I love my dog passionately, and strangely I never (well, rarely) resent the poop, the walks in the cold weather, etc. He's a wonderful companion and I love having him in my life. Here's the thing though - I can leave him at home when I'm at work, when I'm at my desk he sleeps happily under my chair, and I play with him when I take a break. He's well-trained and he's quiet. We had our nieces with us last weekend, and (needless to say) it was 24/7 and far from quiet. The only break I got was when they were sleeping. Even the dog was anxious! That doesn't mean that you might not decide to have a child, but borrowing these kids for the weekend made me realize how different the experiences are.