BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids do you ever feel less important

Hi Everyone, I have been lurking for a long time on this board. I have come to this board after a long year. Last year I found out my tubes were blocked and my husband and I decided not to go through infertility treatment. I am usually okay with this childfree life although a part of me always feels like I would be a good mom. The positives of childfree outweigh the negatives. Every now and then I have to remind myself of all the positives of not having kids. My cousin just had a baby abd both of my sisters are pregnant and due in two weeks- double whammy. I am happy for them but a part of me feels like I am becoming more of a shadow in the corner. It is hard to not feel jealous of them as all the attention is focused on them. I feel like I am not as important because I don't have kids. Does anyone else ever feel like this? I am trying to be mature about this but don't know what to do and how to handle this. At family functions with my cousins, I am the only one who doesn't have kids and find it hard to not feel like the outcast. How do I stop feeling less important? Am I the only one who feels this way.

movinon -
Welcome. You've come to the right place.

Sounds like you'll be surrounded by a lot of babies real soon.

You won't be getting the attention that the new mothers will, but enjoy it, and remember that they will soon be envious of you.

Why? you are wondering. Well *** while you get a full nights sleep, they will be sooo sleep deprived; their house will be cluttered with toys, diapers,swings,etc.; they won't have money to take a vacation or go buy that cute pair of shoes (purse, new outfit, etc.); you won't have issues with trying to get a babysitter everytime there's a special event to attend; you and your spouse get to spend all the time you want together - just the two of you; many marriages seem strained after they have kids; and it costs hundreds of thousands of dollars to raise each child.

Need I go on ??

Actually, I have NEVER minded that the attention wasn't on me. I always felt sorry for those with kids, for all the above reasons (and more).

Have a great day. Hey ! ~ go buy yourself something special and celebrate !

Welcome
The decision to remain child free as a concious choice is different to not being able to produce your own biological child. Your emotional self will have been dealing with loss. So at times you will feel down. It reads as if your husband is supportive and part of the decision making process not to go through the fertility process. So hold on to each other. You are important- in many different ways. Producing children is not our prime reason for living. You will hopefully find many ways to lead a fulfilling life, hopefully your extended family will recognise your emotional needs and support you as much as they can. You say it has been a hard year. Congratulations on finding the courage to come on board. This is a supportive forum. Visit and post as often as you want. Jealousy is engulfing emotion, recognise it for what itis an; an internal express of yourloss and then let it go.

Absolutely agree, Elaine. All of the sudden a "baby boom" hit almost all of my close friends about two years ago, and I had never felt so alone. It was one thing to witness these births and anticipate that you would be in the same place soon, but it's another thing to be in my situation, to watch all of this going on, knowing that you won't be doing the same. Jealousy took over me quickly -- I started to feel like something must be wrong with me, because my girlfriends wanted kids and I didn't. I started kicking up "if we have kids" questions with my husband. He would ask "I thought we had it settled to not have kids" and then change the subject. My husband has often been my sole source of support in remaining child-free, but to me it wasn't enough for a man to understand it. Ever since I started posting on this forum, I have been blessed over and over again to know that there are WOMEN who understand.

To remedy my loneliness, I have made a point to always be busy with leisure activites that I love (RockBand is great) -- reminding myself that I couldn't do these things if I had a baby to care for. I also try as much as possible to steer clear of the mommy conversation circles, where the central topic at hand is [always] each other's kids. I am focusing more on spending time with my friends that don't have children (although they're not necessarily child-free by choice). Building these strong bonds now are important so if these couples do have children later, my friendships with them would have a better chance to survive.

Thank-you Beth m. loniness when people around are bringing children into the world is such a natural feeling.Decisions that are forced upon us have an all together diffent impact then if we have had the choice ourselves. So in all the loss of child rearing is the loss of power and control. Natural feelings of jealousy, bewilderment and lets be honest sometimes 'why me? can be so powerful. I feel if these basic human emotions can be recognised we can then deal with them. To let them go and replace with them with more fulfilling thoughts and actions takes courage. I take on board sometimes it is not enough to have a husbands support but the support of others around us.
It reads as if you have found a good way to live your life. Strong bonds are important, it is finding a way to live in the positive rarther than the negative which is the journey so many people find difficult.

Elaine, I am sorry to hear what you are going through. I believe many of us here went through a considerable amount of soul searching to arrive at the descision to be childfree. A lot more of us, have always been childfree. And by that I mean that there have never been any "nudge" to the alternative. However what I am sensing here is a situation of "head vs heart" and you may need to dig deeper to discover what it is you really feel. I have never felt less important, I guess because its never been a consideration, and see I don't see people looking at me with those eyes, however, I somewhat sense a little "more" important feeling if you like, just by virtue of the fact that I have been more careful in looking at my life. And its an admirable thing to do. My mom treats me the same as she has always done, my sisters need more help now because firstly it seems they are always broke, but also because they have turned out to be much more of a curse that a blessing (thats some of them at least) I doubt very much that anyone considers you less important, but maybe you may not have dealt with whats really going on in your heart. Have you considered getting some help or support from people who truly understand what you are going through or can relate, to deal with your feelings? Not that you will change your mind, but it may help you to deal with your perspective. Good luck Elaine. I have you on my heart.

Movinon, I, too, am childless because of infertility. I have a good job, loving husband, and a reasonably good relationaship with my two stepchildren. I am, however, the only sibling/cousin without biological children. My friends are also now in the midst of starting and/or adding to their families. It IS hard to stay positive and cheerful--especially since everyone wants to give you advice! I find that having an interesting hobby helps--especially if it's one that new parents cannot hope to have...travel to fun places. I made the decision NOT to have extensive invasive procedures because it was right for me...but it is hard sometimes thinking about the alternative. I was always the "perfect" babysitter and aunt--most likely to have five kids and a Volvo station wagon! I don't know how much this has helped, but believe me, you are not alone.

I DO feel less important. I live in a different country than my parents. Their excuse for not visiting is that my mother is the primary caretaker of my grandmother, and my mother also doesn't like to travel. Funny though, if I had popped out a couple of grandkids, it would be amazing how fast she would press her other siblings to take care of Grandmother so she could jump on a plane and come visit at least once a year... However, since I'm childfree, she makes it about once every four years or so. Sad, but true.