BellaOnline Forums Family Child Abuse Is this abuse or neglect to you?

My SD's Mom doesn't cook. When I ask what my SD had for dinner she says things like "a hot dog and half of a pickle" no snacks. Her Mom is anorexic (has been hospitalized). If the Mother doesn't want to go thru the effort of the single hotdog she'll put all the kids in a vehicle and drive 25min to McDonalds. My SD told me she just keeps telling herself she's not hungry and eventually forgets or it's time for bed. She eats b-fast and lunch at school. She always looks bad, dark circles under eyes, pale (no color) in her skin. When she comes to our house she eats and eats and eats then has diarrhea because her body isn't used to eating when she's hungry. Her Mom and Stepdad fight in front of their kids all the time sometimes getting physical and they yell at each other daily. My SD calls here crying at least once a week telling my Husband about them fighting and my Hubby can hear the yelling. I feel helpless as the CPS said they would "check into it" and then if they need help they will provide them with resources to help them. Well, I don't want the idiot to get a brochure on parenting. I want my SD safe. She wants to live with us. Her Mom told her she could and she had her bags packed, then her Mom backed out. She doesn't want to give up control of her kid. She also hates that my SD tells her Mom good things about me. She doesn't want to give up the attention she gets from having 4 kids and being 100lbs at such a young age. (I've witnessed her attempts to get attention for these things). I'm torn. We can't afford an attorney to get custody. I write everything down and hope in the next few years we can afford to get custody. Is my HATE for the Mother over shadowing me or is all of this abuse or neglect? Do you think my SD is going to be ok in the long run? Thanks for any help!

Enlist the help of her school teacher. She will be able to vouch for the unhealthy state of your SD. But she'll have to go through correct channels like reporting this to CPS, however, you will be able to get temporary custody of the child as her relative (and the child will tell them she wants to stay with you.)

Unfortunately, CPS's goal is to reunite the family so most likely the parents will only have to go through parenting classes as well as nutrition classes to get her back. But it sounds like this woman's eating disorders are affecting her children and it is serious. So they may insist on the mother's counseling for that.

Early nutrition is critical as the child develops. Poor feeding is both abuse and neglect! Thank goodness, she is getting breakfast and lunch at school. Food deprivation leaves long-lasting scars. The child will be food-oriented and have eating disorders in her future, if she doesn't get adequate food growing up. Poor nutrition also affects learning and behavior in a serious way!

I'm glad you're willing to get involved! Do visit with both her teacher, principal and the school psychologist. Together, you can devise a good plan in the best interest of the child.

Good luck!

I go to all of her Parent Teacher Conferences and have found the Mother is quite good at masking her ways. She acts very different in front of strangers than she does at home and to people she knows well. My SD has told me the school counselor has talked to her alot and she has even pulled her out and made her (SD) eat lunch with her. My SD also told me when she told the counselor about how upset she's been about her Mom promising to let her live with her Dad and then going back on her word she said the counselor scolded her and told her to never say anything bad about her Mom, "she's looking out for her best interest". So, from the sounds of things the school either has the wool pulled over their eyes or they just don't take their students very serious as far as these things go. My SD is by no means affraid of telling people (whoever will listen really) about how negative she feels about her Mom and home life, so I know she's told the school things. I have to try and keep her in check at our home about being so negative about her Mom. She has a very vivid opinion about her Mom. My SD also has some issues though. She seeks any attention (even negative) she can and has no respect for her Mom. She acts very young for a nine yr old and has shown alot of problems in school with her comprehension and especially social skills. She seeks out any approval from anywhere. I can't take her to a counselor because we don't have custody. I would like to get her checked by our Dr to see if her iron levels are ok or if she's deficiant in other areas. Her Dad is 6'4" and she's very tall for her age. She weighs 96lbs and is only 9, but you can tell by her figure and face she isn't very healthy she's just big due to her Dad's genes. It's so hard to sit by knowing I can provide the Mothering and nutrition she needs. I see her struggle with stability and structure which are two of my main fundamentals.

Ok. I see. Let me try to help you here. You must play your cards right. Schools must deal with custody issues all the time. Once, I had divorced parents screaming at each other in my classroom at an Open House! Teachers watch and assess parents very carefully and they form an all-important opinion.

Whatever you do, keep your tone calm and non-accusatory. As the stepmom, you're at a disadvantage already. DO NOT come across as being a stepmom who just wants control over the child. You don't want to seem pushy and controlling. You want to appear as though your care and concern for your child is priority. Whether or not she is with you or her biological mother.

When you conference, be sure to ask them, "Do you think that her poor nutrition and anger toward her mother could be causing some of her behavior problems at school?" Ask: "What can I/we do to help her academic and emotional success?"

Teachers LOVE it when parents ask for help or advice about how to help the child succeed.

In order for the school to get involved in custody issues, the child has to show clear signs of abuse. The underfed thing is not as pressing because the child is eating two meals at school every day. I know of a similar case and the child did not get removed from the home over this.

Your better route is through the mother herself. But it CAN'T be you or your SD to ask. Mothers are territorial creatures. She won't want to hand her over to you if she knows you want her. What is her relationship with your husband (her ex)? Can he talk to the mother? It sounds like this child is giving her mom a lot of headaches, and an easy fix would be to let her dad take over. But if she thinks for one minute that you will "win" she won't give in. Advise your SD that if she wants her mom to let her live with you, she can't make her jealous of you. She should not go on and on about how wonderful you are to her mother.

Have your husband talk to his ex. Don't make it seem like you can do a better job of raising her daughter. Your DH should make it seem as though he wants to help his ex with the headaches of their little girl and that maybe he can help "straighten her out" some because little girls do listen to their dads more. You should NOT be a part of this conversation. It shouldn't be about how you would be a better mother to their little girl. At all! C'mon. What mother would give into her ex's new wife and admit that she would be a better mother?

Use your head. Act wisely. Swallow your pride. And be prepared. Even though the little girl loves you now, her behavior problems will continue to some extent with or without your structure and good parenting skills. She has had a lot to cope with and has a lot of exposure to negative role models at an early age. It will not be as easy as you think during her adolescence especially so I hope your concern is truly for the child first and your pride second. Your love for her needs to carry you through all those tough years.

Sorry to be blunt, but I'm trying to help.

Good luck.

Thank you and to answer your q's my Husband and her Mom DO NOT get along well. I stay out of it. I never speak to her Mom because she has attempted to cause alot of problems for us. I decided then that being nice and trying to help my husband with communication was out of the question. Since he has been the only one to deal with her she isn't any better, she just can't try to start problems with me. I really like your advice on the school issue. I have asked the teacher what we can do at our home to help her, but I haven't asked about her situation at home having an impact on her schooling for fear I would seem too nosy. I try really hard to walk that fine line, but I'll admit it's VERY hard when I have kids at home and I am territorial and protective. I have alot of anger towards the Mom because of my SD's feelings, her disrespect towards my husband and her attempts to cause alot of problems with our lives,just another reason I keep my distance. I do worry about her not improving and ending up acting like her Mom later on in life. I try to be a positive influence but I'm just the Step-Mom and I'm not with her all of the time. Thanks for all your imput. I think I'll use some of your approaches and hopefully things might work out ok.

Well, Kelli Deister might have better insights here. She is the Child Abuse editor and has more experience in these matters. I can help from a teacher's perspective. Really, really be sure to show your utmost concern for the girl so it is not a matter of pushing and pulling between co-parents.

What does your husband think about all this anyway?

Again, do visit the BellaOnline Child Abuse site and click on the contact button to get in touch with Kelli. She's a wealth of info!

Good luck!

My husband is the type that complains and gets upset about the situation but doesn't say anything to the Mother. The one time he got upset and confronted the Mom about what his Daughter had been telling him she got grounded, had to run laps in the yard and got spanked for telling us! Since then he just gets upset and talks to me and does nothing. He also looks to when she's old enough to choose to live here legally. I get so upset with it, but again, what can I do? Thank you again and I'll definately contact Kelli! Sincerely,

momma23, I think Lori gave you some great advice. She's right in that you want to be cautious how you react in front of the teachers, because they do a lot of observation and form their opinions based on those observations. However, many abusers behave in a completely different way, when not behind the closed doors of their home. This is probably why your SD's mom acts one way in front of the teachers and another way with your SD.

I highly recommend that you get your SD into counseling immediately. From what I understand, she does come to your house and visit, right? During those times, is it possible for you to get her into a therapist to talk to her? That would be very beneficial for her as well. It will give her a neutral person to talk with and gain support from. Also, I understand that you can't afford an attorney? Have you looked into legal aid for help? Often times, even though they might not be able to appear in court with you, they can most certainly help you with the paperwork part of it. If indeed you do take this to court, request a GAL (Guardian Ad Litem). This is a court appointed professional that will speak to both sides of the family. This person will also speak to the child alone. They then will make a decision on who they feel is better qualified and able to care for the child.

I also recommend that you keep calling CPS with your concerns. Don't give up! You are doing a great job. Keep supporting your SD. I believe she comes to you and her father because she trusts you. Keep that open line of communication open.

Lastly, keep a detailed journal of what your SD tells you. Keep a log of those times when she comes to see you and health wise doesn't look good. Chart the bags under the eyes and any bruises she may have. This will be critical for you when you go to court.

Hang in there, like I said you are doing a wonderful job!

I see it as both -- abuse and neglect.
Sheryl

Thanks to you for giving your advice. I haven't looked into legal aid for help. I had no idea I could. I will definately check into that. I would love to take her to a therapist, but fear the reprocussions my SD would get or even my Husband and I would get (not allowing us the child, starting fights with my husband in front of the child etc... she's done it all before) when the Mom finds out about it. She keeps VERY tight control of the child, ie. won't let us talk to her Dr. won't discuss things with us that are personal about the child and punishes her for telling us things. She feels we don't have the rights to that info and since their divorce papers state she has "sole" custody (husband didn't put up the fight because he didn't know to during divorce) we have been shut out of getting the info without the Mom's consent. It's hard when my SD comes to our house and tells us all this stuff but we can't confront the Mom because my SD gets punished for telling us things. That's why I just log it all for future reference and I think it makes her feel like she can count on trusting us, but it doesn't make her home life any better. Also, I'm scared to keep calling CPS because I'm worried they are going to get numb to my complaints and chalk it up as "well there's that lady again, just tell her something to get her out the door". Is this how they are or should I really keep at it? I'm willing to try anything! Thanks again for your advice!