BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage In-law problems?

Do you have in-law problems? Or do have great in-law relations?

Can you share your experiences? How do you make things work?

When my ex's father was alive, there was never a problem. She was too busy taking care of him (she is a very old school wife - June Cleaver meets Rosanne Barr) When he passed away, it seemed like she had no place else to throw her attention. Here it is 7 years after we divorced and she's still butting her nose in our business. She's ALWAYS got an opinion. I shouldn't complain too much because she's actually always on my side, but still I think if the intrusion wasn't there life would be a lot simpler. At least 6 years later I was able to get her to stop calling at ridiculous hours of the night.

We actually have in-law problems on both sides. My mom hates my husband due to a brief time when she moved in with us, and the situation was very uncomfortable and got heated. Ever since they have not had a good relationship with each other. My husband is easy to forget and let things go when my mother is not. Basically my husband just does what he can to make her happy, and just ignores the fact she is always talking bad about him. As for his side, his father is an alcoholic which is a big issue for me. So i don't get along great with his dad. And his mom and his sister, have decided to disown us for whatever reason. I am beginning to think that there are in-law issues in MOST relationships....

Well when me and my fiance first got together his mom loved me, we got along really well. Even then I noticed something though, his parents just got divorced and it seemed like his mom was bending over backwards to make her kids turn their back on their dad and make them like her more. (my fiance and his brother are 26 and 29) I have not heard his dad say one bad thing about his mom EVER, he has moved on. My fiance's older brother does not talk to his dad any more and for a while neither did he. When they started talking again his mom went full tilt sucking up, it amazed me at first what she would go through to do so.
Now it seems she has added me to the list of enemies and for the last few years I feel like she has been constantly competing against me. Even over silly things like making him a sandwich. If I disagree with something my fiance says she makes sure to agree completely with him. She even would comment on my wieght after I had the baby and knowing I was kind of self consious about the wieght gain YELLED out to me in a packed store if I thought and XL would fit me or not.
I use to love the idea of her coming over, now I find myself working double time or 2 weeks before she comes down scrubbing every corner of our house even though as soon as she gets here she still finds something thats not quite clean enough. I will wake up to her cleaning our house at 5am! What makes it worse is that she goes back home and tells everyone in their town how all she did when she came down was clean, and make comments about me.
I have just come to ignore it as much as I can, though I do find myself hiding away in a room at some point during her trips because I just cant seem to "bite my tongue" much longer. Sometimes I feel that the show "Everyone loves Raymond" is about us lol. I figure she is affraid of losing her youngest son but what she doesnt realize is that even he is getting tired of listening to her complain all the time.
Me and his dad get along great, he is the sweetest man and will bend over backwards for you.
Does anyone else have this mother in-law issue?

This is an extremely common problem with mothers-in-law! You're right that she doesn't want to lose her son. It could be subconscious really. She may not realize what she is doing.

Your situation is worsened by her divorce and now, without a man in her life to take care of, she is turning to your husband. And, she is bitter about the divorce. Of course, if she knows you have a good relationship with her ex, she'll be more likely to find fault with you. In her mind, you've chosen sides--not hers.

What a pain she is.

Here is how to deal with it:

1. Whatever you do, do not add fuel to the fire. You really MUST continue to "bite your tongue." Consider it a good practice in humility and good character...Christian values...whatever. It does make you the better person not to lower yourself to her level. If you do nothing to make the situation bad, everyone around will see that. You will become a saint in the eyes of your husband, too. If you unload on her, she is still his mother and that will upset him. It will force him to choose sides. Don't let it come to that.

2. Sigh, breathe deeply and think of her as a silly, immature child.

3. Let your husband see her alone on occasion so she can do her smothering, mothering thing. He'll be glad to come home! Try to separate the behavior from the person. Continue to show love to her and ignore the bad behavior. If you must say something, say it nicely (and in front of your husband) like, "Now Nana, I love you but I don't like it when you make fat comments about me. It isn't nice." Just like you would talk to a child--or a senile old person!!! It really takes the ammunition out of the person when you're telling them you love them and when you use a sweet voice!

4. Remember that when you have a child, you will have to "hand over" your son to another woman and you will understand how hard it is to let go. Don't cut her out of your life or your own children will do that to you when they grow up and get married.

5. If she wants to clean when she comes down, let her. She may be cleaning what is already clean but so what? If you show you're upset, she'll do it all the more. Say, "Thanks! Can you do some laundry while you're at it?" She'll stop immediately! LOL. Just kidding.

6. About the gossiping behind your back: You can't stop her. Unfortunately. It is upsetting to know that strangers think poorly of you based on her unfair comments, but such is life. You can't change everything. You must let it go and hope that there is a just and fair God in heaven who levels out all things. The truth will come out if you ever meet these people and prove her wrong with your sweetness.

7. Keep your marriage strong so your husband will be supportive of you and your feelings. Never put him in the middle or vent to him about his awful family. You can tell him what's going on but keep out the blame, accusations or anger. You do NOT want to be the bad guy here. Be loving toward him. Then, let him know what you want when dealing with this woman and he'll back you up. Tell him, "I really want your mom to love me. I appreciate that she raised you. What else can I do to make her like me?" When he sees you are trying, believe me, he'll get on HER to treat you better!

Try not to lose sleep over this situation. Think of her as a poor old senile soul. Nothing to worry about. She's no threat to you or your marriage. She only visits occasionally.

Just be smart. And pray she finds a new man soon!

and what about my mother in law who on the biggest day of my life decided she needed to stop My wedding..... I guess i got thrown into the deep end without knowing how to swim

YIKES!

How did you deal with that!?!? What did your husband do?

Obviously you went through with the wedding. How is she now?

well we dont really see her nor speak to her and when we do see her at a mall then we just act like she isnt there. my hubby is quite mature so he dealt with it quite well and jus told her that if she doesnt approve she needs not to show her face here. thats not the end a few months back i was pregnant and she had said to me that ill never be a mother and that my baby will die before its even born and with the stress of that i had lost the baby the next day however i dont hate her i just pray someday she would realise that i am not an evil person as she puts it and i hope she realises one day that the way she treated me was just because i married her son.

Ohhh Alice!

I can't believe she said that! Oh gosh, what a pitiful woman.

Thank goodness for your husband's maturity and love for you. And I'm so glad to hear of your goodness and mercy, that you don't hate her and you actually pray for her. Of course, you're not an evil person. It's obvious who is.

My gosh, I am amazed at how some people can be. She should be grateful to you because you love her son and make him happy.

I think some mothers get so desperate when they find they no longer are the sole influence over their sons that they think, say and do really crazy things. Perhaps someday, through your constant love and goodness, she can see the error of her ways and make amends with you both.

God bless.

Thanks for the advice! My hubby does support me 100% in the whole situation he watches me bend over backwards for her and knows what I get out of it. So its kind of a relief that he understands and see himself what she does.
I know it just has to do with me being with her son because she did the same thing with his brother's girlfriend of 4 years.
Just the other day my hubby told her I was starting writing again and she laughed and said it was a waste of time.
I pretty much come to realize that even if I cured cancer it wouldnt be seen as good in her eyes so I have given up trying to impress her, instead I just live my life without stressing over her, I treat her as I would treat everyone else, and when I get tempted to say something I find some reason to go hide in a room lol wether it be changing the baby or cleaning something it gets me away for that little bit of time to put her out of my mind.



OMG she actually stopped your wedding and said them awful things to you Alice. That is so sad, it must of been tough for you guys in the beginning hunh.

Mother in laws really can be crazy sometimes. I love the movie monster in law just because it shows just how far they will go all in a fight for their son. JLO is somewhat of an inspiration in it lol if she can put up with all of that with a smile on her face then we can do it to!