BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids The "kodak moments" are getting out of control :(

Ugh, I am really down today. I've been happily childfree for a while now, having kids would cross my mind but then go away. I've been married for 5 years, we have been together about 10 years, and I told my husband before we married that we had to decide and be in agreement about whether to have kids or not. He was kind of on the fence, had not really thought about it before, but I told him how difficult it is, especially for the woman, and he was convinced. Every year he is happier and happier to be childfree.

I, on the other hand, am not. I struggled with depression for most of my life, so it was a no-brainer for me, I did not want to pass it on to a child, or to have the responsibility of a child when I was going through depressions. This past year however, I have been able to make some lifestyle changes, and it's a miracle that I have made it through the winter for the first time in decades without a severe depression! I'm thrilled about that (I know my depressions are worse in winter and have tried every type of light therapy, but sometimes it was bad in summer too). I know I am not totally out of the woods, but for the first time, it seems like having a child is something I could actually DO.

My reasons for not having kids also had to do with our culture. As a psychotherapist and a social worker, I have seen more than my share of train wrecks, or even just normal people who had unfortunate things happen to them or their children. Even among my parents' friends and my coworkers, I did not envy the moms because it seemed like every single couple got divorced once the kids got older, and the moms were stressed from having to work full time and dealing with daycare.

Now, however, I see my sister with her kids, and our friends who are popping them out (all in their late 30s, even 40s!) (I am 38). The kids are all perfect, no Down's syndrome, no disabilities (yet?). The marriages are intact, and seem stronger than before. The parents post gorgeous pictures on Facebook incessantly. I spend time with the parents, and they not only talk about how much fun it is to have kids (and difficult but rewarding) but I SEE IT, they are not lying, they are actually HAVING FUN.

I am kicking myself now. My husband and I have talked about my feelings, but now he is getting stressed about it because i am talking about it too much and getting depressed about it. I think he is right in some ways, I do tend to focus on one thing in life at a time and make myself miserable about it. But on the other hand I don't think it's unreasonable to be sad if I want to stay with him and we are never going to have kids. (I also am open to fostering as a second choice, he has not said no to this but is not thrilled about it.) I love him dearly but am starting to resent him. I don't want to divorce him or be a single parent!! And I know I am not going to find someone as good as him in time to have a baby... I don't want any other husband.

I just don't know what to think. My therapist says she has seen lots of women in my position who had these feelings until about age 40 and then it went away. I don't want to avoid every parent and baby for the rest of my life just because of the feelings of envy it brings up in me! that is not practical! On the other hand I have these mean and bitter thoughts, like I want my friends with parents to suffer, maybe so I can feel better about being childless?? It's awful. Everyone says that having kids involves so much sacrifice, but in my circle of friends I just do not see it. They have good jobs, can afford daycare, go back to school to get advanced degrees, go on vacation, etc. etc. I know there is the lack of sleep, but after a few years you get that back.

I'm just so tired of perseverating about this. People tell me it is a process and you get through it if you want to become childfree, but I don't feel like I'm "making progress" and I don't blame my husband for being sick of me.

thanks everyone in advance for listening, and as I have said before I am glad there are moms on here, I think they have a unique insight. Also I know there are lots of fencesitters like me, if anyone has gone through the process of getting off the fence I would love to hear about it. I went to a gathering last night where there was a toddler and a pregnant friend, and i just felt like such a [censored] for being so envious.

please share your thoughts! thanks!

I can feel you're heartache, even though I have never had baby rabies.

Have you considered joining the "big Sisters" organization? I'll bet you would be a wonderful 'big sister'.

I'd be wary of this urge suddenly coming on...of course it has a lot to do with your actually feeling better, but it also is probably linked to hormones. Your therapist is dead-on when she says women often have this urge for a baby in their late 30s and it goes away by 40. I've met many women who told me this story, and of course many who have had the late-30s baby.

Re-examine your views of your friends with babies. I say this because when we're child-free we tend to focus on the negative things parents do/say around their kids...it seems to me the pendulum has swung in the opposite direction for you. Now you see all your friends having so much fun with their kids, because your perceptions around having kids have changed. It's easy to be influenced by hormonal and health issues, and they are not a good indicator of true feelings.

aeon - You say your husband is happier and happier to be childfree. What would happen to your marriage if you decide to get preg.?

I don't think your husband wants to share you with a child, which would take 100% of your time ~ physically AND emotionally.

I think you are going through a phase in your life. Kids are a tremendous responsibility and committment. It's a very serious decision to make. And many,many times it tears a marriage apart.

Hi, That's really good that you are feeling better, but I'm sorry that you're having a hard time. As Schnicky said above, it is maybe also to do wth hormones. They are so powerful, the first time I felt the urge to have a baby it was like I was on drugs. I could have just had one then and I kept getting all misty eyed when I saw them in the supermarket. Then the feeling just went away again.

hey thanks so much for the responses.... it feels good to be heard.

creampie- it's funny (or logical!) you mention Big Brothers Big Sisters, I signed up for their newsletter in the fall and have been trying to muster up the courage to do it, I think I would make a fabulous Big Sister.

If I decided to get pregnant, I think my marriage would be over. It would be premeditated, because I have an IUD (which I love, no more periods) so I would have to decide to have it removed and then get impregnated by my husband without him knowing, which I would never do because I think that is truly evil. Or I would have to tell him that I was choosing to have a child, and he could leave and I would get inseminated, or he could stay. I am 99% sure he would leave, or if he stayed that the stress of having a child would break up the marriage. I can't imagine for myself being a single mom, I am not that high energy to begin with.

I love my husband and do not want to be without him. Sometimes I just feel like he's not enough though. I am feeling a little more open minded not having to be "my own kid" though.

I just want this phase to be OVER so that I can go back to enjoying other people's kids and not be misty-eyed like Crocus said or flat out trying to avoid them.. that's no way to live!

I have to say don't do kids becuz everyone else has them. Why not be a friends Mother helper. Help a friend w/ kid(s). I use to just take them and do age appropriate things w/ them. Then I got to take them back. This was how I got to enjoy kids before we ever thought about kids and is such a help for my friends. This doesn't mean I don't love being a mom but I can sure appreciate those quiet times. ;)

It is funny you mention that with having kids later in life. Almost everybody I know had children in their 30s even late 30s and all of them healthy. I almost started to think the health risk, and the difficulty to get pregnant after a certain age were myths designed to scare women into having kids as soon as possible, lol, but then I have a tendency to seeing conspiracies everywhere :-)))

Anyway, as Carrie Bradshaw used to say "relationships look often better from outside". I also have loads of pictures of my son in facebook and we look always happy. When we are with others we we tend to only talk about the good things and minimize the bad ones. About how hard it was the whole mother thing for me and indirectly for my husband (it was not fun for him seeing that things did not get immediately better after "seeing his little face for the first time") most people know very little or already forgot.

Of course kids can be fun and bring happiness, but they are an incredible source of stress. Sleepless nights, the crying, the setting of rules... Not all marriages survive that. Statistically the higher number of divorces take place in the 2 or 3 years after the first kid is born (I read that about Spain, I don't know if it applies everywhere) I know couples who were always kissing and holding hands before baby and afterwards don't seem to have any physical contact anymore. Or worse, the call each other mom and dad.
If you never wanted kids and have a tendency to depression you have made the right decision.

I never had any urge to have children, and neither did my husband. Everything was fine until I had to have a hysterectomy when I was about 45. I was OK with the surgery (had to be done)but for a very intense 10 seconds, I broke out in a sweat and stopped breathing with the sudden thought that this would be final. My chance to have a child would be over. (As if 45 years of age didn't kind of KO that anyway.) But I swear, after about 10 seconds I was over it and I laid back to be rolled into surgery. I guess it was a kind of panic attack. Very strange.

Aeon, It sounds like you are perhaps just having a weak moment. :) Yes, there could very well be great joy for you in the beginning, and it would all feel very special, but it would most likely tapper off, and those joys would only come and go. If you're already low energy, that could turn into exhaustion, and when you're exhausted and stressed, it's hard to find true joy in much of anything. Solalux made a great point in that on Facebook, things are most definitely not as they appear! I know several people who's facebook pages are nothing more than a facade... yes, the pictures and posts are real, but they are only a "fraction" of what's really going on. Also, as Solalux also states, people put on happy fronts. Unless you have a very close relationship with these women, you aren't getting the real scoop. I listened to a Dennis Pragger radio show last week on the effects of children on a marriage, and nearly every caller calling in said having kids negatively affected their marriage. For some, it ruined what had been a fairy-tale marriage. Study after study shows that marriages without children fair better than those without. It sounds like you are definitely looking at children through rose colored glasses, and before you make a life altering decision, you might want to take those glasses off for a while and really think hard about all that goes into having kids... both the good and the bad. You might want to visit the moms section of this forum. There are several very unhappy moms who have posted - many of which admit that on the "outside," they appear to be happy, fabulous moms.... Things most definitely are not always as they seem. ;)