BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids New here

Hi everyone, I've been lurking around this forum for a while now and thought I would finally post something. My situation is this: I have never had a particularly big desire for children. My mum had a fertility problem and so struggled to conceive me. I'm an only child but she wanted 3 kids. She said that she was made to feel like an outcast (this was in the 70s) because she had kids comparatively late on (32), even by her own mother. Consequently, she has always conveyed to me that women can do many other things with their lives than have families. My dad was always away on business, so she was often alone with me and didn't receive much support from him other than financial. She had no education and now seems lonely and unfulfilled, because she has had to move around lots, following my dad's job. Even when I was a child I was never that into children, always preferring animals. I'm quite independent and like my own space. I'm into horses and I'd like to get a couple of dogs. If I wasn't working full time I would like to do some voluntary work (maybe even with kids), more sports or have another horse. Basically, I [i]think [/i]I could lead a happy and fulfilled life without children. Now here's the problem. I met my boyfriend nearly two years ago and that was when I first felt a desire for kids. Sometimes I think it is a nice idea, especially if we have been spending lots of time together, but I think it is more of a hormonal urge (I'm 30). I love him loads and he is the kindest, sweetest man I have ever met. My main objections to kids are as follows: - The difference between men's and womens experience of child rearing is so great. It really annoys me to hear men say how wonderful fatherhood is when all they seem to do is go to the park once a week. I live in a v rural area (in the UK) where kids are very much the women's responsibility. I hate the thought of giving up everything I love in life so that my OH can have his kodak moments. - The idea of pregnancy and birth upset me so much I have nightmares about it. - I'm currently undergoing investigations for the same problem as my mum had. I hate being poked around with (see above) and I might not even be able to have kids naturally anyway. - I'm self-employed and have worked very hard to achieve what I have. That would obviously all go down the swanny just because I'm a woman, while my boyfriend's job (that he just happened upon) would remain unchanged. - I'd have to sell my horse. The thing is though I love my boyfriend so much and I hate the thought that I could deny him something he wants and make him unhappy, but I know I can't have a child I don't want. I've ended up getting angry and resentful of him, because, in wanting a child, it's like he wants me to go through loads of pain and humiliation that he would never ever have to experience (let alone volunteer to) and ruin my life. I have no idea what to say to him. We discussed it once and he got all hurt and thought there was something wrong with him that I didn't want to have kids with him. I told him I may never want children and that I didn't want to prevent him from doing so. The idea that we would split up over it didn't seem to occur to him. He's just been brought up to think that all women want is not to work and to have kids. I don't know how to tell him how I feel. I can't even watch childbirth on comedy show because it makes me so upset and I can't believe he wants to put me through that. We're discussing moving in together so I really need to do something. After our last discussion I kind of said that I couldn't 100% guarantee kids in our future. I feel that if this is a big concern for him then he could maybe try talking to me about it. I don't know what to do. Thanks so much for listening and sorry for rambling on... Really needed to get this off my chest. xxx

Sorry, more rambling. When we spoke about, I don't think OH really understood why I wanted to have it all sorted out now. I suppose if all is well I could have at least another 5 years before having children during which time I could well change my mind. I suppose he could also decide in that time that he is quite happy without children. I know though that the longer you are together, the worse the fall-out if it all goes wrong :-( Any input would be greatly appreciated. Thanks again x

Hm, I understand a lot of what you are saying. Especially about the difference in motherhood and fatherhood. I have had lots of men (coworkers, friends, even one of my doctors!) tell me that I should have children, and that once I get over my fears of the responsibility of motherhood, I will be so happy and fulfilled, etc. I don't listen to them at all. As far as I am concerned, fatherhood is irrelevant, they have no idea how much mothers are blamed when anything goes wrong, and how much more mothers worry and are held responsible. Fortunately my husband understands this, that women have a totally different experience, not just in life, but also in parenting.

If your boyfriend is unable to talk about this without taking it personally, he is not ready to be a father, I think!! So many of my friends struggle with their partners about how to raise the children, you really need someone who is mature enough to be able to discuss the pros and cons. From what you are saying, the idea that a woman might not want to have children is totally new to him, and kind of a shock.

I think you are right to be hesitant about moving in with him. It is perfectly reasonable to expect that he be able to at least talk with you about this BEFORE you move in with him. If he can be open minded, then maybe like you said in a few years you can wrap your head around being a parent, and maybe adopt so that you can be spared giving birth. My little sister is adopted and has been an absolute joy to our family.

good luck with this and let us know how it goes!

Hey, thanks very much for your reply! It's great to get an opinion from someone else. You make a valid point about the ability to discuss pros and cons! :-) There was another time when we tried to discuss this. I started by saying that sometimes I quite liked the idea of children but that there were things that really, really put me off. I'd hoped we could have discussed it. I said about my fear of birth, but he just said, 'oh you'll be fine'. I brought up the idea of him staying home and me working and he said, yeah he would love to stay at home and play Playstation all day ((!) yeah I'm sure that's really what having a small child is like!!). So even when we've tried to have a more positive discussion this is how it ends up. This is part of what puts me off, that he would enter into it and the cons would all be for me to find out, while he's out at work all day, 6 days a week. He's very nice and sensitive, but this kind of thing doesn't exactly inspire me with confidence. It just reinforces my idea that all the hard stuff would be down to me. Maybe he just thought it was too soon to discuss this seriously, as we wouldn't be having kids for a good while anyway. I wish now I'd come out and said that I feel women get a harder deal when it comes to parenting, instead of making lots of random comments that have just made him think I hate men (which I don't), so he's now on the defensive. Who knows. Thanks for your advice though. I feel a bit more now like it's not all my fault. Hope you're having a good day :-)

Hi Crocus, by the sound of things he really hasn't thought about what the reality of being a parent - and especially a mother - actually means. I completely understand your frustration. Guys don't seem to understand what an enormous deal it actually is to go through pregnancy and birth, then carry on with the lion's share of the feeding, care, changing, cleaning and rearing of the fruit of their loins.

He's being inconsiderate about your fear of pregnancy, that's for sure. "You'll be fine" doesn't always happen. I recommend you find him a graphic video of childbirth (don't watch it with him) and tell him to watch it, followed by a babysitting session with the worst behaved infant you can find.

Not wishing to be mean about your bf - I am sure he is a good fellow. But most of them just don't connect to reality when it comes to children. My bf said he quite liked the idea of having children so that he could take them camping and fishing, quite oblivious to the fact that any child sharing my genes would view such pursuits as medieval torture and want to go handbag shopping insterad. If he's serious about you, he needs to understand and accept your feelings for what they really are. Please don't get pressured into having a child you don't want. It's the saddest thing in the world for everyone involved.

Lol at your boyfriend's camping and fishing aspirations! Mine really likes vehicles, so it would probably (to be sexist about it) have to be a boy we had. He is being inconsiderate, but I don't think he means to. I think he gets embarrassed by this kind of talk and doesn't know what to say so he makes a joke. As you say though, they don't have to do it so why would they need to understand. I'm back at the hospital soon, so I'm going to use that as a starting point for a conversation

Hallo crocus,

people (men and women alike) who want to have children are from a different planet. They will never understand what it is to be physically repulsed by pregnancy and birth. For them it is all just a more or less uncomfortable obstacle on their way to parenthood bliss. That you might not even want to have a child is considered a psychological weakness you will recover from.
I was also as far as I can remember horrified by the idea of pregnancy and birth. It was more than fear of the pain alone, more like a mixture of horror and disgust. I have analyzed myself over the years trying to evoke some traumatic experience that triggered such repulsion but I have not found it. I come from a loving home, had never sex issues, I like my body... it was just the way it was. That is why I always compare it to homosexuality not that long ago. Deep down I always felt like I needed help, like therapy or something to be talked into having children, somehow I thought something was wrong with me.
But I was pretty much happy and content till I met my husband. He was the sweetest guy but unfortunately he was from the other planet. He just couldn't get it. And then all those buried feelings of inadequacy came back to me. Something must be wrong with me. This wonderful committed responsible guy wants to reproduce with you and you are disgusted??
To cut a long story short, I got pregnant and got a child. It is very painful to me to talk about it but I started a thread, "when it is too late it gets worse "with the story" if you are interested in the details :-)
Just let me tell you, if you do not want a child, pregnancy, birth and the weeks afterwards nobody talks to you about are not fun.

Hi Solalux, Thanks for your reply and thanks even more for the thread you started about your experience. That must have been very hard. It think it's terrible that such a conspiracy of silence exists around having children and that people pretend it's all wonderful when it's not. I have been reading around on the Internet about this for a while and came across quite a few articles in the British press (mainly Times (alphamummy blog - for working mothers, they are pretty honest) / Guardian / Telegraph) about women who have had a hard time after having a child. It makes me mad that my boyfriend has believed the hype and would put me through this without ever doing any proper research. I'm eternally grateful to my mum though, for telling it like it is. Funny about coming from different planets. I've had moments when I've been "broody" where I cannot actually remember (I really can't) my reasons for not wanting kids or any of the emotions that go with it. I guess that is how people who want children feel all the time. Not looking forward to speaking to OH. Been in pain for months now, so (this sounds awful) am going to take the angle that I can now kind of imagine what pregnancy would be like (constant discomfort, missing out on stuff) and how I don't want any more strange men touching me. He can't really argue with that and it avoids putting any blame on anyone. Bad to be exploiting my health problem, but every cloud has a silver lining. Blimey, I don't half go on... xxx

NOTHING IS YOUR FAULT. Please do not ever think that there is something wrong with you because you don't want kids (for whatever reason.) Any relationship require compromise. I am SO not the champion of compromise and tend to be of the opinion that if only ONE person is doing what it takes to make the OTHER person happy, things are bound to explode at some point. I've been the victim of this too many times. Now imagine creating a child in that context. A life. A person. Someone that the two of you will be respsonsible for FOREVER. A child isn't just something he can play with while you're working and put away when he's bored. It's runny noses and spit up and more laundry than was ever intended and sleepless nights and potty training and help with homework and thr "I forgot to tell you" last minute notice about the five dozen cupcakes needed tomorrow for school and so on and so on. I'm sure your boyfriend is a wonderful guy, but if he has really, truely considered the realities of parenthood, he would not be taking your concerns so half heartedly and I think it's mean of him to do so. It doesn't sound to me like he's mature enough to really comprehend the absolute life change it requires and I think it was terribly off-handed of him to take your worries of giving birth without much seriousness at all. What others have said is true: It's so dynamically different for men and women and he needs to understand that. Also, I think you hit a good point when you mentioned that he was most likely raised in a world where that's just what women did: make babies. He's probably never been introduced to the concept before. And what if your health problems were possible exacerbated by the attempt to have a child? Has he even thought of the potential physical danger? I'm sorry to have gone off on such a passionate rant. I've just been used too many times and it angers me to see others being manipulated. I just hope you won't feel pressured into doing something that your heart is not a thousand percent behind. When you're talking about creating a human being, I just can't take it lightly. The two of you need to babysit together for extended periods of time. Offer to take someone's kids for a week while they're on holiday and see how it goes once it's a 24 hour presence for him. Let him get a puppy and let him be solely responsible for it. It's a much shorter job, but it really isn't that much different in the beginning. Please, please, please don't do anything you don't absolutely want to do with all of your heart and soul. I'll stop ranting now. Hope I wasn't too harsh.

Just this one statement really hit me. When it comes to having kids, there can be no compromise. It is an all or noting thing. You either have kids or you don't. It's not like you can pick them up for a week, and drop them back off at the foster home for the next.

I have kids and I love my kids, but we have had some very rough patches through the years. It is not all sunshine and butterflies.

When it come to wanting or NOT wanting children, there is no "normal" - I wish that were the message that society would send out. As always women are individuals, with individual dreams. Somtimes those dreams include children and sometimes they don't. You are the only person that can decide whether you dreams include children for you. You are also the only person that can decide whether this is the right man for you. It is quite possible that he is not.

I'm not saying go break up with him tomorrow, but you 2 do need to sit down and have some real discussions, possibly even with a pre-marital counselor. This is kind of one of those biggy decisions that can split a relationship in two if not met headon and dealt with early.

I wish you all the luck.