BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Dedicated CF, questions feelings because of a dog?

What do you think? single choice
	I think your feelings are for dogs only, because clearly that’s what you wanted to start with, I don’t think it would transfer in any way to children
	I think it’s possible you would find similar happiness in motherhood with your own child
	There’s just no way to know for sure, some people love their kids, but not other people’s kids, maybe that’s you, or maybe you’d be very unhappy - it’s unclear
Votes accepted starting: 03/05/09 05:55 PM
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I guess you maybe one of those people that "change thier mind" Good luck to you. I guess the best person to give you a fair response would be mothers... Good luck....you sounds quite resolved to me. its your descision tho' whatever us CF's think, or mothers, it comes back down to the two of you. Good luck, and thanks for sharing.

I'm not going to vote, because this is just too complicated a topic to narrow down to three choices I believe.

I am a Mom of 3. 17 yr old boy (who has Asperger's - very high functioning, but many challenges, none the less), 11 yr old girl (with all the puberty issues of an adolescent girl, LOL), and 6 yr old (extremely hyper, but funny) boy.

Let me make a couple of points on the differences between your puppy and a baby and then a growing child.

Puppies bring out the good in all of us, they just have that "warm fuzzy" thing that makes us feel good and BE good. However, a puppy is trainable - a child is not. You do teach a child, but you do not train them. You teach them right from wrong, manners, behavior - but you don't have obedience classes (much as we may be tempted sometimes, LOL!)

Also, the puppy phase is extremely short compared to a baby. This little guy is up and running. He is already somewhat independant. Yes, you need to come home from work to feed and walk him, but if you get caught up in a meeting and are a couple of hours late, he will be OK. You cannot leave a baby at home alone, period. It will be at least a year before he/she is walking. Much less feeding himself, going potty, knowing what is safe to touch or not.

I know you've probably thought about all this - but maybe just haven't had it put in front of you point blank.

I love my kids, but I come second (third, fourth?) in my life. Sometimes that bothers me, I feel very tired and stressed at moments. Now that they are all getting older, I am more able to take time for myself, but it has been a very recent thing.

Part of my stress does come from the fact that my oldest is a special needs child. I am luckier than many parents whose children are autistic, but my son has been hospitalized 3 times for violent behavior that is connected to his Asperger's.

You mentioned the fact that you cannot know that your child would be perfect. You are one of very few who acknowledge this fact. Most people never think about the fact. Although having something wrong with your baby is not likely, it is a possibility. The fact that you and your husband are both over 35 does increase the possibility.

I never expected to have a special needs child. No parent ever expects this. We all dream of the chubby faced cherubim that sleeps through the night after week 3 of being home. That rarely happens.

Then they grow up. They go through the terrible 2s where they pitch tantrums, and throw toys everywhere. You get to go through potty-training (which some kids pick up in 2 weeks and some kids take a year to figure out.)

They start school, they outgrow their sneakers every month. They go through puberty and backtalk. They will be laughing one minute and bursting into tears the next. They will sneak makeup at school and run up your text minutes on your cell-phone.

In other words, these are very distinct indivduals that you will have a relationship with at least 18 years (hopefully more). They are not always going to do what you want, they are going to find their own path.

So that is the real question that you and your husband need to consider. Not whether or not you want a baby, but whether you want to raise a son or daughter.

I would not go back and undo my kids for anything, even with all the difficulties that we have faced. I can't wait to see what adults they will become.

Good luck with whichever decision you make!

Hi Greenhouse! You have come to a very good place to work through your feelings. I am not here to sway you one way or another. I have been where you are, I am the mother to two 8 year old Boston Terriers. I will never forget when I picked up my first puppy...I cried like a baby. I also recall feeling like it was the first time in my life I wasn't thinking about myself...it was a great feeling. My one guy is now completely blind and his care is at a whole new level, but I love him and I don't feel "put out". I have to think on some level it is similar to taking care of a child, you have to be utterly selfless and like Michelle mother of 3 mentioned, it is a different stratosphere of selflessness because you can leave a puppy at home...you can't leave your baby. Here is what I do when think to myself "hmm, maybe I want a child". I examine why I want one and if the feeling lasts for more than 6 months...it is real. Give yourself some time to feel this way. Make sure it is real because the committment to a child is the biggest one you can make. I have yet to get to 6 months...I have joked I have gotten baby colds vs baby fever. Do yourself a favor and let it marinate for a while, it will reduce the stress of the decision as a result. Another idea is to offer to babysit or volunteer your time with kids of all ages. If you feel comfortable and if it increases your longing for a child, that would be another good indicator. Good luck to you! I know exactly where you are and it is a hard place to be.

Hallo greenhouse,
you mention me in your email: I started a thread a while ago, you can find it if you click on my name :-)
I also a had a pet once, a lovely cat and looooved her, when she died I cried for days. Just two things:
- Little kids and animals hold certain similarities but they are VERY different. No matter how much involved you are with your dog, a child is a lot more work and responsabliity. It is not just training them to do a couple of things to make them sociable and human-compatible, you have to be arguing and discussing, and setting limits for a looooong time. and then, a dog stays in his childish sweet state forever, children turn teenagers!
- Everybody has different reasons to have or not to have children. I was never intellectual about it (except when I was questioned and got defensive). I am no ambitious career woman (teacher, occasional translator), my parents were loving and normal enough... In my case I was just appalled and disgusted by the idea of pregnancy, birth and nursing. I did not not want to have to do with any of that. For me, a baby was absolutely not worth the whole thing. Obnoxious crying little things designed to torture women bodies, and energy-time vampires.

Now I have a child, I love him, it was worth it because with him we have found a balance between my husband plans (at least 2 kids) and mine (0)It is over. But let me tell you, when I first had him in my arms I did not find in me any of the things you feel for your dog :-)))

I've been through the same experience, but it didn't change my CF stance one jot - in fact, it probably made me 150% confirmed rather than my lifelong 100% CF.

I've always - ALWAYS - been a cat person. For forty-some years I was devoted to purries. Dogs were okayyy, but I didn't care much for the slavish affection and sloppy tongue thing. I admired the independence of my cats. Dh was the dog person; like any woman of the house I ended up taking care of them ; but they were still 'his' dogs. Then, about five years ago, I started looking around Petfinder and came across the Japanese Chin breed of dog. Their description: "the dog for people who like cats" had me intrigued, so I started researching them. Dh had mentioned "getting a small dog, something that can sit on my lap as I watch tv" which made me roll my eyes. Oh joy, an indoor dog that I'll have to train and take care of. That means cleaning up after a p00py puppy

Well, after much research and e-mailing breeders, we decided on a Chin puppy. I took care of the proceedings while Dh dreamed of a lap dog and I started collecting newspapers to line the floor. However, when we were handed the basket with the puppy, I was STRUCK! Here was this wee furball, small nose twitching and bewildered expression at being taken from her mom and handed over to a strange couple, one of whom (me) was squealing "oh my gosh! have you ever seen such an adorable creature!"



I had to admit, almost like a human mother - though certainly not to the full extent of those chores - I didn't mind the mess, the training, getting through the first days of a new puppy who constantly cried for her old surroundings and mother. I was sooo enthralled by Anjin that a snuggle into my arms, or sitting at the desk with her head on my feet, made up for all the aggravations. I could almost see - ALMOST - why a woman would be able to handle the stress of kids. And while Dh was muttering "hey, I thought this was supposed to be my dog" I was out on the internet searching for message boards where I could brag about my new girl (I know some call their beloved pets "furbabies" but I'm not that fatuous).

Today, we have four Japanese Chins: a week after Anjin came to live with us I had to go get her sister - Dori;

and two rescues. Since the Chins became the pet love of my life, I was incensed at reading about the abandonment stories and decided that any more pupsters would be from shelters.

Some people *smirked* at me, saying "well, now that you've fallen in love with dogs, I just bet a kid will be next". Instead of mulling over that, I was more than ever p1ssed at the assumption You gotta be kidding! Take away time and energy from my totally-adored Chins for A KID?! *auuugh* NO WAY!

Oh that blue-eyed one is adorable!!!!!

Not to hijack this thread too much, but I know exactly wehat you are talking about cat vs dog person. I have always loved my cats. My mom loves labrador retrievers (and they are very sweet - but i hate the licking thing).

It was a Pomeranian that did me in, teacup,m 5 lbs fully grown, LOL

OK - return to topic at hand!

Greenhouse,

I didn't vote, but I really enjoyed your post. About 80% of your life could've been written by me. My husband and I have a 7 year old golden retriever who we rescued from the pound at 6 months old. He's been the light of our life. There is nothing we wouldn't do for our "child." The only downside to him in my mind is his short life span since he's a dog. It seems so sad to me when I think that 1/2 our time with him could already be overwith.

What do you think of other people's dogs? Since you mentioned you don't like other people's children. I sometimes wonder since while I like my friends kids, I can remember their pet's names twice as easily. I'm always asking how their dog or cat is doing if we haven't seen someone in months. If we go to visit friends I'm usually spending twice as much time with their dog or cat as with their kids.

I like my friends kids and they have some great and well behaved ones. It's just that if I was forced to choose a new career as a dog walker or a babysitter, I'd be a dog walker hands down.

I also can also attest to the fact that if someone in your house is in the middle of an advanced degree it's much easier sailing without kids. The noise and distraction while trying to write and study makes a phd or masters much harder. Dogs aren't the same in that regard, because as you said the puppy phase is much shorter. You can also place a dog in a crate for an hour if they're being destructive and you can't watch them. If you do that with a kid someone will call social services.

I would try asking a friend whose child you think is the most well behaved, if you can babysit or take them to the park or zoo for an afternoon. If they drive you nuts, and you find yourself constantly wondering how your dog is doing, you might have your answer.

I frequently ask myself the exact same questions you do, being that I'm in my 30s now isn't helping. I have to admit that I realize raising a child would be totally different. Some of it would be more rewarding, for example my dog will never go to med school! That's a small part of raising a child though, there's a lot of diapers and teen arguements to get through first.

I'm going to take a bit of a different approach here. I'm just kind of viewing this through the lens of my own experience with pets.

We own two dogs. One (the male) we raised from a newborn, the other we got when she was 6 months old (she's actually a sibling of the boy, just from a different litter). I completely understand how they can take over your heart. I remember crying when I brought the male puppy home from the breeder's for the first time.

But I also remember crying a few weeks later, wondering if I had gotten in over my head and if I was going to be a bad puppy parent, and being thankful that it wasn't a child. For me, getting the dogs actually helped cement my childfree resolve. Even now, when there's a vet bill or a mess to clean up, I still find myself commenting to my husband, "At least it's cheaper than tuition" or "Better a puppy pad than diapers."

One thing in your post really stuck out to me: "He�s quiet as a mouse and most of the time no one even knows he�s there, but we do and we know he�s happier than he would be at home. Then I think, wow, wouldn�t it be fun to have a child and take them everywhere with you?"

Most children aren't going to be quiet as a mouse, EVERYONE would know they were there, most kids aren't necessarily happier to be out and about (I know we've all heard the screaming child in the next aisle/at the next table, etc.), and I've seen many parents who seem positively bogged down with carriers and diaper bags and things taking their kids "everywhere" with them.

In the end, it's your and your husband's decision, and I hope whatever you choose to do makes you happy. Have you talked about your feelings with your husband? What does he have to say about your sudden change of heart?

I think asking to "borrow" a friend's kid might be a good idea, but I'd even take it a step further and keep the kid for a weekend. That way you don't just have the pleasant, fun things, but also the possibility of having to clean up messes, feed them, put them to bed (and get them to stay there), etc. Get more of the whole experience. And see if the child gets along with your dog. Then see what you think. Good luck with your decision!