BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids newbee needs opinions on no kids

Yeesh, we are all feeling for you pandabear. They are right, there isn't really an easy way out of this. I am very curious to hear what you decide to do in the end.
And I don't want to make your bf out to be bad either, but I agree with Andso and him sounding somewhat egotistic, and with Kalinka that he isn't considering you very much in this (or not at all it sounds). It sounds like he has already made up his mind and he is going to do it whether you agree or not. And maybe that way isn't going to turn out the way you both are 'planning'. Especially when he says he can't imagine his life without kids.
If he is willing to be there 100% for the child, that means You have to be there 100% for the child also.
Personally, I would not do it. Sometimes going your separate ways is the best thing to do to ensure Both of your happiness. But then again, that is only my opinion.
I hope all the best for you!

Hi, Pandabear - - ham-handed guy weighing in here. The proposed "solution" sounds like it will very quickly become a major morass of hurt feelings, neglect, and divided loyalties. My own opinion is "don't touch it with a ten foot pole." You'll still end up all tied up with a kid, and it'll be someone else's kid that you did not want nor create. If you are well decided on "no kids," and it sounds like you are indeed, it is probably time for your gentleman friend to decide just exactly what he wants and to understand that it has to be "either / or."

I'm sorry to say that you will very likely end up losing him, and that will hurt, but some situations just can't be saved.

All my best to you.

Pandabear, We absolutely were NOT put here to reproduce! We were put here to live our lives the best we can and have fun. And if that includes having children for you then fine. If not then do not think that there is something wrong with you. Contrary to popular opinion being a mother is not something that is a natural instinct. Remember some mother animals eat or abandon their young because they don't know what to do with them. Nothing would be worse than having a baby (yours or someone elses)that is not wanted. My husband was an unwanted child. His mother wanted a girl and that was the end of that. He was raised by his grandmother for the first two years of his life. During that time his mother had her girl and eventually brought him back into the family. His older brother and his sister were the favored children and he has not recovered from that situation. He is 59 now and he most assuredly will not recover during his life. He has real issues with inferiority and abandonment. Fortunately his mother saw her error and before she died she apologized to him for her actions. Pretty amazing really since most people never apologize for anything like that. But the damage was already done and ingrained into him. Unfortunately sisterfriend I don't see any way this relationship can continue. You say your boyfriend is Italian. Let me say right off, I love Italians. However, they do have a very strong family bond and if you did not have children with him his parents would eventually resent you for it. There are tons of men out there who are more compatible with you since you say the two of you are polar opposites. Oh one other thing. Make the break quick, clean and complete. Sorry.

I agree totally. If he knew your feelings from the beginning, then it's really his issue to deal with. From where I sit, he made his choice when he chose you. It's comepletely unfair of him to expect you to just change your whole life's plan just because he "needs" to pass on his name. I think the surrogate thing is a bad idea. Have you guys thought about counseling? I know it's tough but if he can't come to terms with your decision and you guys have to end the relationship, wouldn't you rather know this now with 5 years invested rather than 10, 15, 20?

There is so much to unpack in this thread. There can never be a compromise over children. You either want children in a relationship or you don't. Having children to please a partner or not having children can cause heart ache in the years to come. Talk through thoughly want you really want.

Elaine
marriednokids editor