BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids newbee needs opinions on no kids

hi there.what a gift to find this forum. please give opinions please. i am 32 and have ALWAYS felt that i never want children. i have been totally ok with the decision unitl now. my boyfriend of 5 years is dying to have children. he is my opposite in every way but i absolutely adore him and cannot imagine growing old without him. he feels the same about me, however he feels that he cannot go through life without having kids. my boyfriend understands that i dont want kids (although he thinks that i will realise too late that i have made a mistake not having them) so he is trying to come up with a solution so we are both happy. he is italian and has an ego, so adoption for him is out of the question. he really wants a son and would love to name it after himself & his grandfather. his idea is to find a lady that doesnt want to be married but wants a child, so he can donor inseminate and be a parent with the other lady and the child lives with the mother and he has (unlimited visitation i guess). he says that i will end up loving his child and the child will know that even my parents will be its granparents. its a crazy idea, but i understand that he is just trying to find a way to work things out. i have mixed feelings about it. on the one hand i am not ok with this. i feel that this would be an extremely complicated issue and for some reason it kind of makes me jealous (even though i dont want kids). i also dont want to be a mother (to his children or my own). but then on the other hand, i feel terrible for my boyfriend who loves me to death but really wants to have children and i guess that burden would be off my shoulders?? all that i am sure of is that we both cant imagine not being together and he wants kids and i dont. SO CONFUSED!!! does anyone have any comments, other suggestions or insights??

Wow, I think it could really mess you up if you went ahead with his plan - not to mention potentially being incredibly complicated for the biological mother and the child :S I don't know your reasons for not wanting children, but if he intends to be a good father to the child then it will involve taking a whole lot of time and attention away from your relationship with him. My husband knew I didn't want kids when he proposed - it was an issue he had to wrestle with before he decided he could be with me, as he'd always assumed he would be a father. Now he sees friends our age (I'm 28) struggling with new babies, no sleep, no time for each other etc and he feels relieved I don't have that breeding urge! I don't think you should feel pressured to have your own (or someone else's) children to make your boyfriend happy, and I think if you agreed to his plan the burden on your shoulders would be different, but just as great.

Funny, I proposed the same thing to my baby-loving husband. A neighbor and friend from us who was single had just turned 40, and she was really desperate to have babies. She even asked another neighbor and friend of hers (gay) to be her sperm donor Sooooo sitcom of her. But he said no. So I proposed my then boyfriend to do it. I really meant it but he was very offended, he said he did not want to have a child with anybody, just with me. In a cheesy film some girl would have been very flattered, but I was just desperate!

Pandabear

WHAAAAAATTTT ????

DON" EVER LET ANYONE,I REPEAT ANYONE, TALK YOU INTO HAVING A KID!!!!

My gawd, that would be a big mistake.

Think carefully, my dear, think very carefully.

Cat 1980 - love the cat in the picture. I used to have a very loveable orange tabby. Sure miss her.

I have to agree with the previous posters. I think this would turn out to be pretty awkward and you will have more responsibility for this child than you think. You will be the step-mother of this child and that, too, takes lots of responsibility and commitment.
How would this work exactly? He would have unlimited visitation (maybe), but you wouldn't have to be involved in those visits? Would you want to be involved in the visits? I assume so, if you both (or just he?) is talking about your parents being grandparents? It isn't very likely that this will be a completely separate part of his life.

If you are already feeling a bit jealous, can you imagine how much more jealous you will be when he has this connection with not only the child, but with this other woman? My fiance and I have been together for 9 years and I don't think I could handle him having a child with another woman. I can't imagine how you would deal with that??

There won't be much burden taken off your shoulders, just as cat1980 says.
If you truly do not want children then don't have them. If you are thinking about having kids that is fine too, but you should have them because YOU WANT them...NOT out of fear of losing your boyfriend or anyone else for that matter. I think it is great that you both are trying to figure out some kind of compromise. But sometimes something as big as having children is the dealbreaker for a relationship, no matter how much you love each other. Neither one of you should have to sacrafice something like that, in my opinion. In the end, it is your decision. But you also have to live with that decision.

Add me to the 'thumbs down' list regarding the surrogate mother.

There is one thing I wonder about guys who *really* want children -- would he be willing to do the vast majority of the childcare while you take on the traditional father role and do barely any at all? It seems like most guys I know who desperately want and eventually have children do very little of the actual parenting work. Would that prospect slow him down enough to reconsider?

I couldn't agree more with the above posters! One thing that isn't mentioned above is that if he has this child, what kind of financial obligation will he have to him/her? Will he only "want" the child if it is male or is he willing to be a good parent if the child is female? On a side note, several people have questioned me as to why my husband and I are childless. I tell them I have a genetic disease. I'm talking about the disease of not wanting to share my genes, they think I'm talking about an illness! That usually shuts them up pretty fast!

mhmmm, I am not sure what the factors surrounding this suggestion are, but I am forced to have to ask you pandabear, did you guys discuss this at the beginning of your relationship? What was the agreement, if not then was one of you hoping that the other would change your mind. Quite frankly, I would not go through with this plan for several reasons... 1. You don't have control over this new relationship with this other women, and knowing ourselves as we do, us women, once we want something we will do just about anything for it. If she decides she now wants your man... will you be willing to let him go? 2. If he is as egotistic as he sounds, then is he really willing to sell the story of: I couldn't convince my wife to have my child, so had to ask someone else? 3. Will it stop at one child or will he want more. Relationships are complicated enough as it is.... are you sure over and above the issues we have to deal with in marriage you want to add this to it? I am not sure what your reasons are, for not wanting children, but consider carefully what your priorities are, and that you may well end up in a situation far worse than you evern dreamed. There are approx 60 years or you life left. Is this the story you want to be telling? Good luck, this must be very very difficult for you. If you have someone who you could actually sit down about this with, it would be good to do so, before you ruin your life, and of those around you.

some information that i forgot to mention originally. i was pregnant in the beginning of our relationship. we had only been seeing each other for 3 months and i had a termination. it was the hardest thing emotionally that ive ever had to do but i never thought for a second that i would keep it. i told my boyfriend at the time "dont start anything with me if you want to have children someday" i did say also "that i dont know how i will feel in years to come (essentially never say never) but i have felt this way my whole life and i dont think that will ever change". he said that it was okay, that we dont have to have kids. now when we talk about that he has selective memory and remembers only the never say never part. he now says "its fine we dont have to have kids, but we need to figure out a way that we are both happy because i cant go through life not having a kid". that sounds colder than when we spoke but im trying to keep it breif. he believes that having children is the reason we are put on this planet and he couldnt think of anything better or more important to do in your life. he is willing to be there 100% financially, emotionally etc for the child. after the termination i developed a severe panic disorder. i had it already my whole life but not as severe as after this event. i pretty much had an emotional breakdown. i left my job, moved in with my boyfriend, lost most of my friends etc. its something i deal with on a daily basis and regularly see a psychologist. it is just one of the many reasons i dont want children. i find it hard enough to look after myself let alone a innocent child that didnt ask to be born. another big reason is that my own mum went through post natal depression after having me and ended up in a mental ward for some time because she wouldnt take care of me. to this day we have a very tormented relationship because she has bipolar disorder. my boyfriend would love to have kids with me and thinks i would be a great mum. he has also said that if i had a child and i ended up like my mum (one of my fears) that i would not have to worry. he would take care of me and the child, there would be nothing i would ever had to worry about. he has a great heart and has told me that he has had a talk with god and he made an agreement with him that he will always take care of me. *sigh* im not scared to be alone but i really love this man and want us both to be happy. so very confused. i am really appreciating your comments :)

I am sorry to hear you're going through this situation, especially because I can't see a happy ending to this. Having children is not something it's possible to compromise on in a relationship. Regardless of whether he has the children with you, or with another woman, your relationship will change forever. And if he wants your family to be involved as grandparents, then that involves you even more.

He wants to have his cake and eat it, and he can't. But he needs to decide what is more important: being with you or having a child. The solution he suggests has the potential to be messy and painful all round, and I can't imagine what all that would do to a kid.

After also reading about how emotionally fragile you've been lately, I don't think your boyfriend is being particularly considerate about what this would do to YOU. You have been honest with him from the start. He had a choice not to enter this relationship; selective hearing means he wasn't listening to you properly. Given that he wants to introduce an important new development into both your lives, will he continue to listen selectively? I don't want to belittle your boyfriend, just to point out that past patters are often repeated.

My advice: don't agree to it. You cannot compromise on this issue. I know that is painful, and I'm so sorry. I had a relationship end over this issue many years ago, with a guy who also could not imagine life without kids.