BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage I dont' think I can forgive him

First let me say Mercy I am so very sorry for your pain. I am so happy you have found the courage to do what you need to. We both know making the decision is the hardest step it seems everything else falls into motion once you have made the decision. As for me, well things are slowly getting better some days are better than others are. However, we talk more and my husband tries hard to sooth my doubts and to answer my questions even if I have asked the same question three thousand times. The therapist we are seeing is a Godsend he truly gets us to open up and talk about the real issues. To be honest the therapy has told me more about the interaction between my husband and this woman and I do not think it was an emotional bond but more of a power trip for my husband. I do not know what the future holds but today we are more open and honest with each other (well it seems he is being honest). We are kinder to each other and just a little more considerate. Some days I still get [censored] and want to scream at the top of my lungs. I know you cannot stay in a relationship for a child but I do believe that my son is a strong reason to give my marriage every chance possible. I think I owe that to my son. If I walk away, I need to know I gave my marriage a fighting chance. As for keeping evidence, I have disposed of everything. If we don't make it I pray we never get that nasty that I would need to have evidence. My husband finally got MySpace to remove the pictures of him she had posted on her page and she has not tried to contact me since Valentines Day. My husband did call her and tell her clearly that he did not want anything to do with her and to stay away from both of us, so hopefully she has gotten the message.

Hello Divineart

I am sorry to hear what has happened to you and your family and know it is hard. I do think you are doing the right thing as nowadays it is too easy to throw everything away. At least you are giving it a chance and hopefully things will work out for the best. Sometimes even a year down the line you can still want answers to your questions but you will never know if the answers are really true or not. I agree with you and say that it was more of a power trip for him and think he was probably flattered by someone completely different taking an interest in him. (I have been there as well).

What I would say is try not to focus on the bad things but focus on the good things between you. Try and make a bit time for just you and him, make him feel special but he has to do it for you as well not all one sided.

It will still go through your head every day for a long time but you at the end of the day will be stronger for it.

I am thinking of you.

xx

Divineart.. thanks for your feedback. I did give my marriage a fighting chance and so did he or so he claims but he's secret actions tells a different story. I'm just glad things are working out for you, that's truly great news. I hope your therapist truly helps you dig deep down inside so you can get everything out in the open so that you can one day completely close that chapter in your life about your husbands past. For many a bump in the road such as this one does make your bond stronger than it ever was. And like your therapist said and I agree, I wouldn't disagree that the affair was just a power trip for him. For many men seek that type of attention but not all wives find out about it. Stay positive.

My husband had an affair with a co-worker that went from a working relationship, to a friendship, to an emotional and almost physical affair. That was three years ago, and since that time I found out that although i discovered the affair and confronted him first and the OW by phone some weeks later, I discoverred that he lied to me about ending the affair and was still seeing her on the sly. I agonized about forgiving him and wondering if I would ever get over the depression and devastation that he caused until, believe it or not, yeasterday. I read the posts about the women who were married to narcissists and my God, we all could have been married to the same man. Now a calm has come over me, my depression has lifted, and although I am still with him, I no longer worry about forgiving him,I am living my life and loving myself for ME, and I relate to him with the emotional detachment of a permanent houseguest. Yes, he has said he was sorry, has tried to do things to show his remorse, but remember that's what narcissists are masters at--deception and playing on the sympathy of those they comsider weak. Well, he can go right on catering to my whims;I will never let him continue his abuse of me not one more minute as long as we are married. I thank God I was able to find this forum.

That other woman has a lot of nerve. She must either think she's special enough to not be dumped, is cheating on her husband, or has such low self-esteem that she thrives on what little attention she gets. Just curious, though, what in the WORLD are you still with him for if he's such a narcissist? That's a horrible way to live.

Long story, but here are some reasons: Married more than 30 years(although I really didn't care at the time) too many family/social connections to break, the divorced OW realized he had no intentions of leaving me and turned on him by ignoring him and taking away all the attention she had been giving him(could have helped him when he was about to lose his job but didn't),he would not leave even though I told him he was free to go, and begged me not to leave him, really was through with the OW (I know when he is telling the truth now) he volunteered to go to counseling with me (knowing him, he would never have done this is the past), and he knows that despite all the posturing he has been doing before and during the affair, he really has nothing going for him;our children, grandchildren, and I are the only people who will remain constants in his pathetic life. He really has been going above and beyond doing things to show that he realizes that his arrogance and narcissism not only cost him two jobs, but it almost cost him the loss of his family. He may hve narcissistic tendencies, but the smidgen of common sense that he had left broke through and made him realize that in time the OW who he thought was so appreciative of his talents, education,etc. was only using him to further her own agenda. That's why I'm still with him, but you better believe me, he doesn't question me about ANYTHING I say or do now. I have learned how to be assertive, he knows I can survive financially and emotionally without him, so I now feel that I have been given a clean slate to be happy in a marriage that I WANT to be in--not one that I'm in because I'm afraid of being alone or afraid of what Mr. Almighty might do if I left.