BellaOnline Forums Relationships Divorce still can't get rid of stuff

my ex and i were married 14 years. no kids, so there's no reason for me to be saving stuff. but i still have my wedding dress, still have the wedding pictures, still have everything from the wedding. i still have the albums from our trips together.

i just don't know what to do with it all. the divorce wasn't bitter, but it was difficult. when we were splitting stuff up, he told me to take all the photos because he never wanted to see them again. he was getting remarried anyway, so i know the new wife wouldn't have wanted them around. fine with me, but i didn't know if i should throw them away. so i kept them. besides, i really thought it was a passing thing and that somehow everything would get back to normal. dumb.

anyway, i'm sitting here almost 2 years later with all this stuff still. and i can't bring myself to get rid of it. i know we're never getting back together, and i'm at the point now where i've had enough time for reflection and know now that there was a lot wrong in the marriage. i'm even in a new relationship and can't get rid of the stuff.

i don't want to read into what this means. i don't know if i'm not over him or not. i want to be. i really do. but sometimes i still dream about him, and i still have all this junk. i know i could sell the dress and make some money. and i probably should do that. but for some reason, it just makes me sad. as for the pictures, well i don't know what to do. i feel terrible throwing them away because there are some family photos that are important to me. even though he is in them.

is there anyone else out there like this? i haven't even spoken to my ex in almost 8 months. when we first split up, i talked to him daily for months because i just couldn't let it go. but i've cut off all contact with him including emails. if he wants to ever contact me, the only way he can do that is through my attorney, and he knows that.

i wonder if i kept it all with the hope we'd get back together, and now that i know that's not goign to happen, it doesn't make sense to hang on to it. but i'm hanging on. weird. i just don't know what to do.

Hi Holly

I really think that what you're experiencing is pretty normal. You have really nice memories associated with these things. Some people never get rid of those things because even though your marriage ended, it is still a good memory for you. However, it will make future partners a bit uncomfortable.

Why not have a relative store the items for you. It is still part of your history.

Selling the dress might help you cope better.It might make you sad, but you know what? It's normal to be sad about this, even two years later. You're likely always going to have a tinge of sadness about the marriage ending. But it probably will help you to sell the dress.

I still have the family photos of my life with my exes and so does my new husband. This is part of our life and we can remember the good times. Maybe you're putting too much pressure on yourself to pretend the marriage or relationship never occurred or never happened. It did, and it is part of your history.

You probably did hope you'd get back together. From your post it seems that he may have left you to marry someone else, and this is a huge blow. It not only hurt you due to the loss of your partner but you may have loss some of your self confidence.

Why not take a small baby-step, forget the pictures for now, and just deal with the dress. Post a free add on Craig's List and try to sell it. Yes, you're going to be sad, yes, you're going to cry. It will be hard. But try to look on it this way: You're providing a nice wedding for someone else, and this dress will give someone great joy, even for a day.

Please come back and let us know how you're feeling. Also here is an article about Remembering the Good Times. You don't have kids, but it might help.

Remembering The Good Times

thanks for the advice. i think i will donate the dress actually. i've been sitting here thinking about it since i wrote that, and i figure if i can donate it to someone it will be better. it wasn't an expensive gown anyway. i think i spent more on alterations than i did on the dress, lol. plus, donations are so much easier than selling something in my opinion.

the photos are at my mom's house. they've been here since we split up. it's just weird knowing they're sitting there. and who knows how long? ya know?

it is hard because there are so many memories, and we did so many things. but i'm glad to know it's not totally unusual. and i am also glad to know i'm on the right track having the photos away from my apartment. i feel like i finally did something right in this whole mess, lol.

i'll let you know how things go. thanks for taking the time.

I think donating the dress is a great way to let the dress move on.

No you're not unusual at all. It would be more strange to have no feelings at all. You just have to be patient with yourself. As long as you're moving on, meaning, going on with your life, taking those baby steps to get past the old way your life was, you're doing fine.

Not calling your ex is a great move, as is not emailing him. You're doing the right things. One day you're going to wake up in the morning, go through your entire day, and realize you didn't even think about him once all day long, or all week, or eventually longer.

We're here for you.

I agree that donating the dress is a great idea. Someone will have a lovely dress and it will have moved on. :-)

Then you can focus on the photos. Baby steps, as Stephanie said. :-)

Maybe his side of the family might want the fotos. Later on when (should someone become interested in geneology) old photos are priceless with information.

um, his side of the family..... well, that's a weird situation. his parents divorced when he was little, then he left his home with his mom when he was 15 and didn't see her again until his brother died in 2006 (he was 38 at the time, i think). he was never close with his dad (his dad died last year as well), and his stepmother and stepsister never really got involved in our lives. it was just a weird situation all around. i had never met his family in ohio until we'd been married 12 almost 13 years, and even though his dad and stepmom lived less than 2 hours away from us in texas, we saw them "maybe" once a year. so i highly doubt the photos will be important to them. sad, huh?

i did discuss it with a close friend this afternoon. she said keep a photo of the two of us (i do have a favorite actually) and keep the photo of the whole wedding party and then the photo of both families together (it is mostly my family and extended family in that pic). she said the rest just don't matter. if people want the photos of themselves (like the wedding party people), let them have them, but i haven't spoken to most of those people in years actually. but i like her idea.

so sometime in the next couple of weeks, i'll take some time and get those specific photos. then i'll contact the people i still talk to who were in the wedding party (maybe 3, lol) and see if they want pics of themselves. you never know. some folks might want old pics. and i'm going to try to call around to find who would want a wedding dress for free. perhaps a church? or a drama club even? i'll call around and see if someone needs it.

it's hard because in 1993, i never dreamed i'd have to think of this stuff. never. ya know? i just knew we'd be together forever. heck, even 4 years ago, i believed we'd be together forever. i realized today how far i had come though. i used to keep a photo of me and my ex (our engagement pic) in my silverware drawer here at my apartment. i don't remember when i threw it out, but i must have because today, i cleaned out the drawer and it wasn't there. i didn't worry, i didn't panic, i just noticed it wasn't there. all my memos from my apartment maintenance guy were there but the pic was gone. good thing too. considering we both had mullets in the pic, lol.

it's going to take time, and it's going to be hard. but i'll do it. i just need some pushing i think. thanks so much for your help.

Holly,

I was the same way. I just never thought I'd go through a divorce. Not me. No way.

You seem to be very healthy and I have no doubt that you're going to move through this phase. Do me a favor, don't get married again until you're sure you're through this. It took me six years to be ready to get married again. It doesn't take most people that long, but I was really resistant.

As long as you're giving yourself the time, and allowing yourself to feel whatever it is you're going to feel and realizing it is normal. You'll be fine.

Keep coming back, talking helps.

stephanie,
right now, i believe i will never get married again. i know too many people who got married again who ended up divorced. most of them got married within a couple of years after they divorced their spouses. i am in a committed relationship with a man, but he understands that i don't want marriage. he's made it clear to me that he doesn't want it either. we've talked about moving in together, but i keep resigning my lease at my apartment (have done it 3 times now). i think i want my own place, my own life. ya know? i don't EVER want to be in the situation i was in before where i had 1 day to get my stuff out, and i was being followed around to make sure i didn't leave anything behind, so i had no reason to come back. it's not a situation i thought i'd ever be in, and i never want to be in that situation again. the man i am dating understands that. he's met my ex, he's met my ex's new wife (she was his lawyer once actually), so he understands where i'm coming from.

so marriage is something i can promise i won't do. one of these days i might eventually find the courage to live with someone again. but not yet. not for a long time. i need to heal. i need my space. i need to be holly for a long time first. and thankfully, i have someone in my life who is willing to give me that space. and who apparently needs his own space as well.

divorce does suck, but sometimes it brings the life we needed to begin with. it's hard though. really hard. i realized today that it's been more than 2 years since i got kicked out of my house. i went back and didn't actually get separated until april of 2007. but he kicked me out in january 2007, and i realized today that i didn't even notice when the date passed by. i may have noticed subconsciously, but that's about it. i did find an old email today that i had sent back in 2005 to a friend regarding stuff going on in life. and it made me wonder. was stuff going on even then, and i was oblivious? or was everythign really fine up until the end? i guess i'll never really know.

I think it is a good thing to take that time and space and it is not true that everyone will be married... but I was like you. I was divorced and not dating for six years. I had been separated from my x three years prior to that even, so it was really 9 years, then BAM, something happened LOL I met my current husband.

I DID say NEVER, and I would laugh at my dad who would say you'll meet someone someday and fall in love, I thought he was nuts... I did not go out to meet people, I didn't date, and I didn't act friendly to men. lol So I would tell my dad, yea right, unless this man magically appears on my door step, with all the qualities I now demand in a husband, AND is tall, smart and handsome,well, ok then I guess I will. But of course I never thought that would happen.

I wanted to keep myself from marrying again, in my diary I had written a list that constituted my "perfect" mate. An impossible profile of a character that did not exist.

My husband fits all criteria, right down to his height, and I still had no intentions of marrying him until I went to Washington DC and met the ladies there. One of the ladies was taking a chance to get remarried and she was so happy, and I felt kind of sad. My then boyfriend wanted to get married, but I was resistant. So I went back with a new attitude and we got married this past May.

Now I'm not saying it's for everyone, but I am saying that you really cannot totally know what is in your future. Right now you're hurt, angry, scared.

But know this, there are ways to make sure you pick the right partner in the future, you just have to make your list and stick to it. If you never meet that person, so be it. I was very happy just the way things were before he came along, and I could be happy again if he was gone, though I'd miss him.

The thing is we women have to learn to be happy on our own, to make ourselves happy. I read a poem once about this very thing, about growing our own flowers. I'll have to find it.

Maybe this relationship you're in is what you need and is perfect for you right now today.

It's hard going back and thinking about all that stuff... but it's good that you're looking at things with your eyes open, questioning it all. You will learn from this, which means not all is lost when you learn.