BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids I guess I am a fence sitter...introduction

I know... as I was reading through them I was like "DAMN!! I was quite amazed, except my biggest one is really just that "I just don't want to" apart from social expectation.. which I've realised I would put on myself actually, I would think that the world is expecting me to, but on relflection, I don't really think so. I know people have the you'll change your mind comments and the like, but really I am sure they are just comments derived from discomfort, and not knowing how to handle it.

I know, I am sort of playing with fire...I have been given 3 nuvaring packages from my doctor but after reading the side effects on line, I am just not ready to go down that road again. The NFP method has been really good for us because I have learned a lot about my body and I don't risk the nasty side effects from the artificial hormones. I am very sensitive to them and they make me very depressed/anxious. Do I have an increased risk of an accident? Maybe and I am still considering a hormonal method, but this constitutes a major decision for me because my mental well being is first and foremost. I shudder at the thought of my marriage changing one iota. I also spoke with my husband, while he is ambivalent about the whole thing as well I needed to ask him if he changed his mind one day in favor of children, would he leave me if I wasn't on board...he said no :). Thanks to everyone's feedback. I know it sounds strange to mourn an idea and it makes me sound like I want to be like everyone else, but I would be dishonest if I didn't say it is taking me a lot of courage to be different and think differently about this topic. It would be so much different if I was on society on this one...

I understand 100% all you say. And about not being like everybody else... it is really hard. For me it was, all my life when the topic came up.
I'll give you an example: even nowadays, when so many people is open about it, depression is rampant among gay teenagers: not meeting people's expectations, dealing with the assumptions people make about you... is terrifying. At least, it was for me. I have always drawn this comparison with gay people. How I would have felt as a lesbian if everybody kept being sorry for me because i could not find a good man? But then there is a difference: if you come out of the closet and say "look, I don't want a man, at all", you may encounter funny looks, prejudice and even discrimination, but at least people will believe you (at least if you are in your 30s:-)) They will not tell you: you will change your mind, you will see, having sex with men is the best.

If your husband is not particularly incline to having kids, I would relax and enjoy. If you do not want to change your marriage a iota, as you put it, not having a child is a great option. It is silly enough to have a child to please your husband (as I did), but to please society, it is really not necessary.

Solalux,

Although I have moral objections to gay lifestyles, I have always thought that the best comparison to being childless by choice is being gay. You read my mind on that thought.

Solalux, that's an excellent analogy. I might have to throw that back at someone next time I am hassled about my CF status.

Beth m,

if you have moral objections towards gay people, it will be even easier for you to understand people objections, often also moral, to remaining childfree. The arguments are almost the same: it is not natural, if everybody thought/ was like that humankind would disappear, it is not the way God meant it to be, the objective of marriage and therefore sex is procreation, blah, blah, blah...

I love the analogy and have no moral objections to homosexuality ;) I think the thing we are looking for as human beings is acceptance for who you are, and if you aren't hurting anyone, then who cares? I spoke to my Aunt who is child free. She said she never felt guilt or sadness over her decision. She senses I feel guilt and asked if there were no social repercussions, would I be agonizing over this. The short answer was no, although I still said no with a tinge of "what if". We humans are "what iffers", I also like to call it "grass is greener-itis". I think it is our in our DNA so we do things without thinking them through. She also said, "you aren't hurting anyone by your decision". This board has brought me immense relief and support in such a short period of time however it was also good to physically speak to someone (my aunt)about it. Now the trick is to turn off the thoughts, it has been all consuming and I have a chemistry class that requires my mental energy! K

You are one lucky girl, I had never met anyone who was childfree, so I literally was in the dark about the consequence...I remembered recently when I first decided I would be CF, even tho' at that stage I didn't know it was actually called anything in particular....I had dysmenorea (check spelling) and it was nasty, my dad used to have take me in to hospital every time I started my period to get an injection. it was really intense. anyhow, I remember thinking, if this is just a period pain... then I wonder how painfull pregnancy and childbirth are... THATS IT!!!!!!!! I don't do children, no thank you... and that was the beginning of my journey. I think once you have decided, being CF is not much of an issue. Its just who you are. I guess from where you are standing its different because you haven't decided yet. I think after the descision is made... the rest of you life is easier, because just like a parent plans thier life around the fact that they have kids... you plan yours around the fact that you don't, and life goes on. Its quite straightforward. Cool actually, if you ask me... I feel set apart. Why am I like this, I don't know? but thats who I am

I just wish I was more [u]passionate[/u] about whether I want a kid or not. I believe you must REALLY want a baby in order to be able to confront all the challenges it brings and do happily so. For as long as I can remember I wanted to get married and have a husband, I wanted it so badly that now that I'm married, whenever life-is-not-so-rosy with husband, I stand up to the challenges because I remind myself that THIS is what I wanted. Nobody forced me to live with a man, I CHOSE this myself. So I don't complain, I don't feel sorry for myself, I somehow gather the strength to make my marriage work, and that's what keeps me going and I'm happy. I guess it may be the same with a child. I MUST want it so badly that when I will be confronted with challenges and difficulties, I will remind myself that I CHOSE to have this child, that I CHOSE to live all the joys and pains that comes with raising a child...Just like I CHOSE to live all the joys and pains that come with living with a man 24/7. I just don't know if that passion will ever come, and my clock is ticking, and I'm afraid I will be undecided forever...

Hi all, esp snack and gull,

I am dealing with the exact same thoughts and fears as you. Tomorrow I will turn 38, and I feel like time is running out. I never wanted kids until last year and the feeling is building, but I am not totally convinced it would be a good idea. The main thing is my husband is very much against having kids, which was a great thing in our marriage. I hate the way my indecision is an obsession and taking up all my mental energy right now. I will post my story in a new thread soon, maybe we can all figure this out together!!