BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage I dont' think I can forgive him

I posted last week about my husband having an affair. We have appt with a counselor this evening, but to be honest, I just do not think I can forgive him. My heart wants to but the pictures he took I just cannot get over them. He just looks so happy and in love, he looked like a man who did not have a wife at home wondering where he was or what he was doing. I have lost six pounds in the last week. My stomach is always burning and I tears are always just a blink away. The graphic sexual picture I could learn to get over, but the picture that shows they have an emotional bond that shreds my heart. How can I forgive him? I just do not believe I can get past the betrayal.

Ohhh. You sweet dear. It is so natural to feel betrayed--you were! Can't forgive him? Not now, for sure. It's obvious you want to but your heart is not ready. For his sake, it wouldn't be good to give out your forgiveness too early or too easily anyway.

We don't know why he had the affair. There could be so many many reasons. Some are forgiveable; others are not. You need to find out why he had the affair in a counseling session. Early in marriage, there are emotional adjustments that people have a hard time making. Some men get nervous with all the newfound responsibilities and revisiting earlier times of freedom lessens the pressure. Or he could have issues with you and doesn't know how to tell you. Or he could be a man who doesn't like monogamy. Who knows? He is the one who has to dish it out.

Counseling should reveal a lot about him.

Meanwhile, don't worry about forgiving him. If you didn't want to or couldn't, you would be gone now. You wouldn't even think about trying counseling. The hurt right now is too deep to think about forgiveness. Besides, you don't know if you can forgive him until you know why he cheated.

For the future: If he just made a bad mistake, you'll be able to get past the hurt and betrayal. Chances are, he didn't think about you and how much this would hurt you. If he loves you and is a good man, this will hurt him for the rest of his life and he will inflict enough punishment upon himself. If he does not care about how this has affected you, you can expect more hurt from a man who is selfish.

Only time will tell which type of man he is. Have hope. See what happens during counseling and then take this one step at a time.

BTW, you never told us how he is reacting through all of this. Is he remorseful at all?

Well Lori he has been very remorseful answering all my questions with what I hope is honesty, but it is so hard to know what the truth is and what a lie is. We went to the therapist last night he was very good. He listened and asked some very tough but good questions. My husband gave what he feels are his reasons for straying and the short answer is he felt powerless in his life and having attention from other woman made him feel powerful. Your right my heart wants to forgive him but cannot see it today. He has lied so very much and done it so easily. Oh and to top, it off this woman now claims she is pregnant. Why would someone even consider having a child under these circumstances, I will never understand how some woman think. I do not know if she is lying or telling the truth because while she was sending the pictures she had ample time to tell me about the baby. I just do not know I guess only time will tell.

Sounds like this woman is a bit off and trying to assert her control over your husband and his life. I wouldn't believe a word she says. As for your husband, is the indiscretion worth ending your future together? Think long and hard about the answer to that question. If you decide to stay in your relationship, you will have to try to forgive and forget or both of you will be miserable. I have been in your shoes and forgave but was never able to let it go- so it didn't work out. I decided to forgive because I thought the bigger picture warranted forgiveness.

I doubt if she's pregnant. Sounds like another desperate move to snag him and hurt you. Please don't let it. (IF she is, you can deal with that later, but don't give it any thought not. IF she is, she got herself into a world of trouble.)

Keep going to counseling. If you believe in God and Christ, pray. Pour out the contents of your heart. Jesus knows pain and suffering and betrayal. And He also knows healing.

What your husband revealed in counseling is not uncommon among married men. Now it's your turn to be honest with yourself: Have you made married life demanding? Has your behavior and attitude toward him changed after marriage?

Roles and expectations change. You could have gone from carefree and adoring girlfriend to serious, critical or demanding wife. I'm not saying you have; it's just typically happens. He mentioned being powerless. Why? Are you taking power (as in decision-making, freedom, etc.) from him? Did your attitude change? Do you show a lot of disapproval or discontent with him whether it is his earning power, household help, fathering, etc.?

Men need to feel respected.

Now is the time to be honest with yourself so you can make the right changes in your behavior to create a loving atmosphere at home. Let me tell you that a lot of married men hold deep resentments towards their wives because of the growing control wives exert over them. Their resentments come out in various ways: affairs, witholding of sex, addictions, passive-aggressive behaviors like ignoring their wives.

If you can honestly respond that you haven't done a thing to disrespect him, he could have low self-esteem which will drive him to find esteem anywhere he can. He could be addicted to the thrill of conquest. There is more yet to discover in counseling before you can make any clear judgment.

Hang in there and keep in touch. The good news is that he loves you, is remorseful, is going to counseling and...is with you, not the other woman. Good signs, really. Just take it one day at a time. This is so so hard, I know. But if it works out, it will be worth it. Surprisingly, your marriage could end up stronger.

We'll be here.

Oh, use caution when discussing this with family. Your family will hold it against him which will bring about more uncomfortable issues in the future. You'll get over it eventually but your family will not. Their first job is to love and protect you.

Yes, talk to others instead of family.

I just want to say that I've been in your shoes and still am. Though the other woman didn't claim she was pregnant. But after a while I forgave and tried to forget.. our life together went on but in back on my mind I couldn't erase the facts. Now over a year later since I found out (because he couldn't even tell me the truth.. I dug for answers) and just when I thought things might be okay.. I went into his email and found out that while he was with the first woman he also had a 2nd but with this 2nd woman they have an emotional bond since (to my surprise) til this day they keep in contact. I was heart broken all over again. I haven't left yet since I'm planning my steps very carefully but it's been 3 months since I made my decision to leave him for good and I will very soon. Affairs can be mistakes but when it's an emotional bond.. its a complete different ball game. I really thought we were past this but he obviously wasn't. He also has no idea that I know about the 2nd woman nor does he know about my plans to leave him.
I say... collect your evidence of his affair (emails, pics, etc) and save them just in case you do decide to leave him because everything will go in your favor. I did that and I'm so glad that I did. It's not easy forgiving and nearly impossible to forget it.. I forgave but like I said I always still had it in back of my mind what he did. It's hard, very hard but you have to do what's best for you and your child. And don't say you want to stay in for the baby because that's ultimately a lame excuse because if anything you are hurting your child. Babies sense your emotions and you don't want your baby around a negative atmosphere. We also had a baby and my child is the main reason I'm leaving my husband (also because of what he did and for my sanity) but I don't want my child to grow up thinking being unfaithful and lying is okay. Honestly I have kept it together for the past 3 months because of my baby.. if it wasn't for him I would have left already but I have to put my baby before me and plan what exactly I'm going to do once I leave the house. And if your scared because you don't have money, don't know what to do or where to go.. the government truly does help single parents. I couldn't believe my eyes when I started researching and found out how the government does support single parents.. the help is out there if you need it financially, you just need to seek it.
Bottom line.. you need to do what's best for your child and especially for yourself. It's hard and trust me I never thought I would be as strong as I am today but be strong and don't put up with a man infidelity because you feel like your trapped because your not. Once you make your decision, the rest is easy.

Hello, Mercy. I commend you for your courage and strength. But your situation is very different from the Divineart's. Your soon-to-be ex cheated with more than one woman (at the same time no less!) and he has an emotional bond with one with whom he's still in contact. Yikes.

The jury is still out for Divineart's marriage.

But, it is good to know there are options for women who decide to leave. Thank you for sharing that. I don't like women to feel trapped in a bad situation.

Good luck to you. With your determination and grit, your future is bright.

Thanks Lori, it did take what seems like forever for me to finally get to where I am now. Although I agree that Divineart's situation and mine are different, I do see lots of similarities. Her husband did have an emotional relationship and as far she (Divineart) knows he only had one affair but whos to know if there was more. The saying.. once a cheater always a cheater, doesn't necessarily apply to everyone (in my opinion) but I feel that if it was easy for him to do it once, it may slightly be easier to do it again (despite the heartache that came after) OR in Divine's situation it can be the totally opposite for her husband. Some people learn their lesson very well the first time around and never turn back to their old ways. But that's why you have to work on it and if you feel you want to heal your relationship then do it so that you won't have any regrets and at least you can say you tried on your end. I do support 100% working and saving a marriage.. marriage vows are nothing to be taken lightly and many people throw around the word divorce quite easy when they shouldn't. If you completely feel that you two can get past this but most importantly if you can whole heartedly forgive him then do whatever it takes to save your marriage, as long as he does his part as well.
Divine.. I do wish you the best in your relationship and hope everything works out the way you want it to. But don't just settle be sure that you can fully commit yourself to your husband again after this and forgive him and like Lori said a few comments up.. "it wouldn't be good to give out your forgiveness too early or too easily". It's hard to deal with all this and even harder to forgive but take as long as you need to clear your head and make the correct decisions.
I would love for you to update us on your situation.