BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids I guess I am a fence sitter...introduction

Hi There! I am a 34 year old married female and I wanted to share my story as I think it will be therapeutic for me. I remember as a child thinking "I don't want kids". I used to babysit and hated it. I didn't hate kids, but I just didn't feel comfortable around them...even when I was technically a kid myself. I just assumed I would outgrow the not wanting to have kids because I had heard about the biological clock and how it goes off...I have experienced 3 rounds of 2 month periods where I thought I wanted a child, but the desire left as quickly as it came, each round resulting in a giant vacation (travel is my therapy). I would classify my husband and I as ambivalent. We both have said we know we would be happy with or without children, we don't fantasize about kids and we are getting to an age where we thought we would have know by now. I call myself a fence sitter because it feels better to say that I am at least thinking about it. For some reason admitting to the world I don't want kids feels wrong. I know it isn't, but the fact is...we are made to feel defective if we admit we don't want kids. I battle with this all the time. I worry that I will turn a certain age and regret the decision, I worry that I will be lonely some day and I worry we won't have a social network soon because most of our friends want children some day. The only thing I do know is, I will not have a child because of these reasons or until I am 100% sure I want one. I think it is a disservice to the child and to society to give in to the pressure. My husband and I may be making a move to Zurich and we want to travel. While over there I want to get my MBA. I can safely say based on these decisions, if we were to have children it would be in our late 30's and I am pretty sure by then I will be off the fence, 100% confident I made the right decision. I have to admit it would have been so much easier if I wanted to be a Mom, I just don't want to be one, not now, haven't in the past but just worry that my future may be full of regret. Thanks for listening, K

I can relate very well. When I was a child, I LOATHED just being a child. I had nothing against babies as a kid, but never felt a personal connection to becoming a mother. Unlike some other girls, I wasn't the girl that just couldn't wait to hold a baby or baby-sit. I always dreamed of the day that I would become an adult, people would take me seriously, and I would be capable of controlling the direction of my everyday life.

When my husband and I dated, we talked about everything on this planet but having kids. We had an understanding that neither of us wanted kids, and that was that. We got married back in 2001, and in both of our minds, children was totally a non-issue -- until about 2006. Between 2006 and 2008, virtually every one of our childless friends became parents. I'm a bit younger than you (29), but all this new motherhood around me made me start thinking more about it. Your girlfriends suddenly change. Every conversational topic deals with their children, and if you don't have any, you're left out. I also think about my own family. All of the "young folks" in my family are young adults, and I am the only one that is married. How long will it be before I get badgered about having kids to "keep the family alive"? Who will care for me (or about me) when I am old and alone? These are my few reasons for having kids, but I could go on all day about why I DON'T want kids. If I could wrap those reasons up in a bundle it would probably go like this:

1- My husband does not have an attachment to children and
would be unhappy to be a father.
2- Basically, I see children as being an "interruption" in my
routine/lifestyle.

Like you, I find it very difficult dealing with the emotions that come and go when you think about whether or not to have kids. I've said in another post that I am about "95% sure" that I don't want to have children. Welcome to MNK -- this is a wonderful outlet to converse with others that understand you and don't criticize :-).

Thanks for the reply. It is nice to not feel so alone. My reasons for choosing not to have a child are: 1. I am uncomfortable around children of all ages, I can't relate and I find I get bored or very anxious around them. 2. I am anxiety ridden over my dogs/husband's health. If I had a child, I think I would lose my mind with worry and that isn't how I want to live. 3. I love to travel 4. I want to go back to school full time 5. My history of anxiety and inability to process stress is at odds with parenting 6. I am tired enough without having to forego sleep deprivation having a child causes 7. I fear the change it would cause in the relationship with my husband. I would like to think it would enhance it while it changed it, but I am not willing to find out. 8. I can't imagine being pregnant and I hate throwing up. I just can't imagine it, too weird to think about it. 9. I have yet to be consistently sick with baby fever. Like I said earlier, I had a baby cold about 3 times but I got better after about 2 months of considering trying. 10. We do not need more people on this planet, I truly believe we are over-populated and procreating carelessly. 11. I am very OCD about cleanliness. I have yet to be in a home with kids that didn't make my skin crawl. 12. I have endometriosis which can cause infertility and I have been off the pill for over a year. I don't tolerate the artificial hormones mentally so right now we aren't using anything but NFP methods (observations of physical signs of ovulation) to prevent. I have a suspicion I may not be fertile, I just always felt something about me wasn't meant for being a mother...physically and emotionally. YET, I still feel so weird about stating it out loud. I feel like I may be making a mistake if I don't give it a year or two more of thought. If we were to become pregnant by accident, I do think I would be a good Mom, I know I would throw my back into it...but that doesn't mean I want to be one. I do think my niece is the most adorable thing ever, but I am very glad to give her a kiss goodbye at the end of the day, hand her off and go to a quiet home. K

I'm also ambivalent about wanting kids and it's driving me crazy! A big part of me doesn't want any but another small part is saying that I COULD want one, maybe not now, but in the future. Thing is, I'm 35 and I feel I don't have the luxury of thinking this too much and this is adding to the stress and torture! I wish I could make up my mind about it once and for all...My husband says that he'll go with whatever I choose but I know deep down he would like one. At least one. Like you, I'm afraid of how a kid would change our happy, quiet, peaceful, harmonious relationship - I feel so complete only the 2 of us, so why add something we don't need, especially when we can choose? What scares me the most in deciding not to have kids is what if I regret it later, when I won't physically be able to have any? What if I tell myself "omg, what have I done? I so much want a kid, what was I thinking? God I regret this and now I have to live with the decision I made for the rest of my life" I know if this happens I would be sad and miserable, and of course I don't want that for my future self! Also, adoption is out of the question for me. so....THIS is the time for me to make one of the biggest decisions in life...I wish so much it would be easier. I've given myself about 2 more years to think about it, and hopefully I'll be able to make up my mind satisfactorily. If anyone knows any tips (ANY!) that would help me in making up my mind, I would appreciate it very much.

Ladies, I hope this helps you, because it certainly helped me. If you go on to the MNK home page, there is a section called Essays by others. Just as it says, there a some essays written by all sorts of people. The one the struck me was: The Shame of not wanting children... we are all very different, but what this piece of writing did for me was to sift through society, my friends, family and associates, and look for who I really am. There is ABSOLUTELY nothing wrong with desiring to have children, nor desiring not to, but what this lady does, is help us consider these options, by comparing with things you can relate with, because we don't actually have children until you have one, just like you will never have a dog, until you actually have one but if you have ever desired something, comparing your desire for that thing with this desire, should tell you wether or not you really wanted it, consider if you thought that everyone should be farmer. Nothing wrong with that. But if someone said, you really ought to be a farmer, because that is the only way you can be guranteed to never go hungry. If they said, you'll love it, just do it and see, would you leave EVERYTHING you have to go and become a farmer? What happens if after you have sold everything you have to buy a block of land to become a farmer, and then you thought"actually, no, I have no patience for farming...and in fact you had hoped to grow maize but the soil is only good for lemons... but you stuck with this farm, and until you can find someone to sell it to, you are cash strapped... and the story goes on; but she doesn't stop there, she then goes into hedging, etc.... this I believe is a must read for any fencesitter, confused, or even a badgering person who does not get our lack of desire to be "with child... to raise a child, or to live with one.

Gullivera...you hit the nail on the head. I am at an age where I feel like I have to make a decision now and even my OBGYN is saying things to me at annual visits. I went for my annual 2 weeks ago and when she brought it up because I have endometriosis and my husband has Type 1 Diabetes (that can impact sperm quality apparently), I said "I decided I don't want kids right now...we are going to Africa instead". She was actually totally awesome about it and said she has many patients who have made that choice. I am sorta kooky so I think she got a kick out of me, but I am really not feeling like I want to make others laugh about my inner turmoil over this decision. It is the damn "what ifs" and societal pressure and living life with no regrets. I wish I was secure in my feelings like so many others of you on this board. I am feeling really conflicted and depressed right now.

It is weird, I am feeling sad that I don't want kids...that kind of sums it up: Sadness.

I've never felt sad that I didn't want children, just sad for my mother who wanted grandchildren so badly... I don't feel guilty as much as sad to see her loose out on that.

Regarding Andso's comment about the 'peaceful, happy, harmonious relationship' with her husband, I have to say that is sure a huge plus. I know my married friends love their kids, but if maintaining a marriage isn't hard enough, to my mind adding kids makes it WAY tougher. How people maintain that connection while dealing with childrearing boggles my mind - the financial drain, the lack of time and privacy, the stress... It seems like the people I know that DO have children just struggle from day to day. I don't feel sad for not wanting that!

You know, something that hasn't come up often here when people are sitting on the fence about children is divorce. People say that children are the 'victims of divorce.' But, if you're on the fence about kids, what if your marriage stumbles under the additional pressure and you end up a single parent? No one likes to think about it, but I've seen it happen with my own eyes. So, that's something else to bring into the mix, especially if you're having kids to please a spouse...

Just food for thought,
Karen

Today at work during lunchtime we had a woman visit us and because one of our colleagues is pregnant, at one point she asked if I had any kids. I proudly told her no, and assumed she did (she's 51). I was surprised when she told me that she was childfree by choice, and I bombarded her with questions! As I thought, she's VERY happy with her life, and told me that she doesn't miss kids and all, and what she appreciates the most is the time she has to do all she pleases, while all her friends are always busy with their children. She told me not to worry too much and that eventually I WILL make up my mind. I was very happy to meet her, since it's hard for me to find women that don't have children. These are my personal reasons for not wanting kids: 1. I am complete by myself, I don't need a mini-me, trust me! 2. I'm not patient by nature. For example, the other day I went to the clinic, and there was a little boy about 4-5 years old reading a book...every second he was asking his father "what is this?" his father would say "an elephant", a second later "what is this?" his father would say "a tiger", a second later "what is THIS?"...I felt like screaming!!! enough already!! someone stop him!! 3. I love my husband very much, but there are no guarantees that we'll be together forever. What if we divorce? Do I want to end up being a single mother?? No way! 4. I know it sounds silly, but I want my husband all to myself, I don't want to share him! I want all his love and attention for me. I would probably be jealous, I know, how immature. 5. I'm already busy enough as it is, work, cook, wash dishes, clothes, do groceries, meet my friends, etc...when will taking care of a baby fit in?? Must I invent extra hours in the day? 6. From the moment a child is born, you worry about them. Are they hungry, sleepy, uncomfortable, upset, sick, etc...a parent NEVER stops worrying...do I want to live my life worrying permanently? Am I willing to put someone else's needs before me? I don't know... 7. I don't see myself as a MOM or having the title of MOM. I'm comfortable being a daughter, a sister, a cousin, a friend,...but a MOM?!? I could go on and on. Although I also have a few reasons for wanting kids, obviously, since I'm undecided. God, this is sooo hard!! I know I shouldn't torture myself, but I can't help it.

K

Yikes! You're playing with dynamite - not using birth control, yet sounds like you really DON'T want kids. Be careful, be very careful.

BTW the 12 reasons you wrote sound exacally like what I could have written.